It was all of the things I didn't get to say....*warning heavy post*

...that held my grief for so long.


29th of August is my dear Fathers memorial day.

17 years.

He was 50 years old.

I was 20 years old.

I remember the exact moment the phone call came.

I can picture the room exactly as it was.

Possum was 15 months old and sitting in his high chair eating toast.
I had soup on the stove for lunch.
The toaster had just popped up again.

The phone rings - Dads friend - how strange, they ask to speak with Big A.

He had to give me the news.
He said it's possibly one of the hardest things he's ever had to do in his life.

A sudden massive heart attack took his life unexpectedly - he died within 20 minutes - he didn't even make it inside the hospital - the doctors worked on him in the driveway of the hospital.

No warning.
No chance to say all of the things I would want to say.
No opportunity to discuss his wishes.

I never got to say goodbye.

My first instinct was to call Mum.
Even though they had been separated for almost 4 years.

It seemed like forever before she arrived to pick up Possum.

I was needed at the hospital.

I will never forget that room either.

His shirt was in tatters - it had to be cut for access to his chest.
He still had tubes all over him and down his throat.
His face was blue.

But he was still there - in that room.

I was in complete shock.

His hand was still warm.

I wanted to scream at him to wake up.

I didn't.

Everything was a blur......like a terrible nightmare you can't wake up from.

We went to Dad's house to stay for a night or two.

I needed to be there.

Home.

The house I grew up in.

The house felt alive and warm still.

His girlfriend had been living there a few months.

She seemed o.k. I guess.

I took one of his jumpers from his drawer - one that Mum had knitted for him.
Little did I know at the time that it would be the last item of his clothing I would handle.

The next few days were a blur.

Phone calls, visitors, trying to function, funeral arrangements....refusing to eat.

We went to the funeral home.
I decided I should go to the viewing, I thought it may be 'better' - the hospital was so traumatic.
How wrong I was.
I will say he looked about 20 years younger - but unnatural I thought at the time.
On reflection it was that he wasn't there.
His body was - he wasn't.

He was dressed in what I requested - the suit he had worn to Possums christening a few months earlier - oh and of course they should not forget to put his teeth in - he wouldn't like to be out without his teeth :)

Two weeks later my Great Grandmother passed away at the age of 98.
Some say it was the shock (and she felt guilty that she was still alive at 98)......
I couldn't even go to her funeral.

Two weeks later I receive a phone call from Dad's girlfriend (of 18 months).
Precisely 28 days after he died - in Australia nothing can legally be done with an estate for 28 days.
She says - 'I am entitled to half of everything - but I will be happy with 1/3'
And my world fell apart for the second time.

How could someone do that? How could she even be thinking of money????
Her son is a famous AFL football player (and still commentates - he's worth a fortune) and she wants 1/3 of my Dad's estate? She's only been living there a few months...surely not.
I hadn't given it a single thought.

This is a very long story, a legal battle that went on for nearly 2 years.
My brother and I were executors of Dad's estate - he changed his will when Mum left, but not after their divorce went through.
It was considered 'intestate'.
My brother is a few years older than me - but he wasn't up to handling it all.
If he was on his own she would have taken him for the lot.

We were engaged to be married on my 21st birthday.

4 months later and Dads girlfriend was seen hanging out at singles nights - trying to pick up another one no doubt.

Part of the estate was able to be released.
We bought a block of land and started built our first home.


I fell pregnant.

I had a miscarriage.

I was suffering with so much grief - and yet trying to hold it together for Possum - and to fight the battle.

I refused to give in - his girlfriend was offered a fair figure (more than she should have received) and lived in Dad's house without paying a cent, we paid the phone and electricity and rates bills for the entire time she was there (almost 2 years).
She tried to counter offer for more. I point blank refused. She eventually accepted.

By the time we got back into his house (we had to get a county sheriff to issue her with a notice) aside from the list of things we drew up that she had to leave - everything else was gone.
All of his clothes - GONE - personal items - GONE.
She had even taken photos of ours that were none of her business.

The house was cold and bleak.
It wasn't 'home' any more.
He wasn't there any more.
And the place was filthy.
Disgusting bitch put on a great show while he was alive.
It is as close as I have ever come to hating anyone in my life.

By this time I was 4 months pregnant with Small Man.
We went to do some cleaning at the house and I had some spotting.
I had planned on doing some painting and tidying up the garden etc.
We had even considered living in the house for a few months.
I couldn't do it.
I felt cold, stressed and afraid being in the house alone.
We did as much as we could, at least the house was clean, and we sold it.

Every step along the way was heartbreaking.
Not to mention getting through all of the 'firsts'.
Fathers Day was very close.
birthdays, our first Christmas without him, birth of his second grandson....and the worst one...our wedding.
We put it off for 4 years and married in April 1996- I simply couldn't face the thought of walking down the aisle without him. I know he was walking down with me though.......

My grief was so profound I was still getting up through the night crying years later.
I would say it took a good ten years for me to let go.
On reflection I think it was a combination of the sudden unexpected loss, being unable to grieve properly or go through the 'normal' motions when someone so close dies.

So tomorrow I remember my Dad - the good and warm memories - none of the things I have written here.

I'm pleased I was finally able to write this all out.

G
xxx

Before This Becomes An Annual Blog...

Gee I have been a slack blogger.

I'm looking at the blank page and thinking 'right.....o.k....now what?'

George is fully recovered now - thanks everyone for asking after him.

The Crazy Fit is going very well, every time I use it I notice a little bit more toning of that which needs toning (which would be my whole body) :)

I have been checking out a few different games on Facebook between work/housework.
Some of them you need performance enhancing drugs to play!
Seriously!

We've had torrential rain here - actually we had some flooding out the back - and in the garage - we were digging trenches in the pouring rain to clear it all.
It seems to have rained for a week or more!
Actually have a bit of sun today which is amazing.
The best bit is, the more rain we have, the less likely we are to get snakes in Summer - so I won't complain!

I am hanging out for the school holidays.
Poor old Possum is so ready for a break.
Friday he was too tired to get out of bed.
So I called and talked with two of his teachers.
One teacher I hadn't told about his vitamin D deficiency ~ he was pleased to know that Possum hadn't just lost interest.
It was pouring with rain that morning and his teacher said he'd prefer Possum to be at home in bed :)
It still seems to be slow to build up (the vitamin D).
He picked up a bit early in the week last week, then crashed at the end of the week.
His other teacher noticed this too.
I dunno.
It's tiring chasing him around in the morning and trying to get him up and awake.
He is working too many hours at the moment also.
The trouble is that he is now 18 - they have to pay him more - if he asks for reduced hours they may replace him.
Maybe not, but I think he is worried about knocking the hours back.

Small Man is much the same.
His therapist sessions are going really well.
He has started to trust his therapist and open up to her about how he feels.
It's heart breaking to listen to, but important for him to let it all out.

I had a nice 'ladies lunch' last Wednesday with my mum, my oldest friend (we have known each other since we were born) and her mum and daughter.
I had to stop myself from thinking about what I should be doing, and just go with it -
I have become so housebound over the last few years for different reasons.
It was really lovely.

Still no news on when the work changes are starting.
It's interesting how they won't be needing me in this position - but when something happens like the warehouse stuffs up and delivers an extra hundred items to one of my guys, and the stuff needs picking up/re packing, and paperwork needs to be done, and couriers need to be organised to collect it again....who do they get to do all of it????
Hmmmm.......!!!!

On that note I will disappear again :)

G
xx

**I GoT Me SoMe CraZy!

Check it out here!

The one we have is the 'Crazy Fit Massage'

I love it.

15 minutes per day is all you need - no sweating, no exhaustion.

Small Man and I can feel some slight results already after 3 days - I'm not kidding!

Even Possum has had a few goes on it.

Awesome!

**********************************

George (our Birman) has been a sick boy.

He started drooling severely Sunday night.
I rang the after hours vet and she asked me to bring him in Monday morning.
She seems to feel that he has licked something poisonous, or walked in something and cleaned his paws.....making him drool....everywhere.

Cats drool if they feel nauseous or have dental problems apparently.
We have medicine for him that ends up all over the place but it seems to have worked a little bit - he's not drooling profusely today which is a good sign.
Poor little fellah - he's quite out of sorts at the moment.

G
xxx

So...

I am actually still here.

Thank you so much for the emails I have had checking in on me - I didn't realise it had been so long since I had written anything.

This blog is supposed to be my journal of events......

Grr!

I have been completely pre-occupied by:

Husbands with a broken toe - poor man ended up at home for nearly two weeks in the end

Internet connections that kept dropping out - but have now been fixed by clever husband and his gadgets!

Sons with not enough vitamin D that seems to be slow to improve despite 3 vitamin D per day

Cleaning out Possums bedroom cupboards and 'junk box' that I'm pretty sure haven't been done in a few years at least - lots to throw out and some good stuff to sell at a garage sale eventually, once we've done Small Mans room too......

An appointment with my GP to speed things up for Small Man.
GP agrees.
He's writing a letter to the specialist in Melbourne for us

A dinner with friends we haven't caught up with in far too long - what a great night :)
They are giving Small Man a Crazy Fit machine - google these if you haven't seen one before.
Wow!
I am just now waiting for Big A to get time to go and pick it up......it won't fit in my car.......

A dinner out with friends for their daughters 16th birthday - another nice evening...dinner (all you can eat buffet...go Big A!) followed by some pokie action at the casino

3 final stages of 'bad news delivery' to work people.....

The feeling of hanging over a barrel as no time frame has been given for the work changes.....so we don't know if we're coming or going

Trying to have some really quieter/less busy days before it all happens....because it will be flat out when it happens, and the closer it is to Christmas the busier it will be....and more stressful...and the chances of a 'day off' will be slim - even if I'm not physically working my mind is going virtually all of the time

That's about it - just trying to keep it all together.....and be prepared.......
I have felt like a bad blog friend lately, not writing, not commenting as much as usual, just trying to read and catch up on posts.............

G
xxx