...Then Today...

Things are calmer, there has been meetings and phone calls and a lot of meeting in the middle today - acceptance of situations and of each others strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly apologies for yesterday.

It can be difficult for men to handle all of this and they have all done well.

One thing that I discovered today - the young fellow next door (about 12 I think) has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - as does his mother.

He hasn't been to school for 7 months and they are beside themselves, as we were at that stage, waiting for them to recover, waiting, waiting, then realising it isn't going to happen, and making the necessary adjustments both to your life and emotionally - it's very tough.


Is this just a freaky coincidence??


I haven't spoken with them yet, but I certainly will be.....

**WHAT IF IT'S SOMETHING IN/THAT HAS BEEN IN THE WATER??? - Parasitic type thing?? **

I might post my New Years thought tomorrow and a few bizarre things that have happened recently.

It may be just my mood at the moment but I find it interesting the people that get on facebook and say they've had a shit year and next year will be better etc etc yet they make no attempt to actually change the way they live their lives to achieve this.....
not anyone that blogs I should add, just some people I have on my 'frineds' list that maybe need to go next year!  
The negativity drags me down.


G
x♥x

...and then it got worse...

I got home from the doctor, armed with thyroxine for my under active thyroid, a new contraceptive pill for my dodgy hormones and some sleeping pills for my shit sleep pattern....and a promise to keep stress to the minimum and go back in a month and see how things are going.....

We discussed the reasons for why I am so sad.
Too much stress, guilt, feeling like I can't 'fix' things for Small Man, lack of sleep, hormones all over the place and feeling alone in it.

It seems I am not alone.

Big A is supposed to be on day shift today, so he wouldn't be home until 8.30pm
He was home at 5pm when I arrived home from the doctors/chemist

Things went bad at work today

He basically had to walk out today or resign

He is feeling betrayed and hurt with good reason

I won't go into it, it's his 'stuff'

But part of the conversation was how much Small Man's situation has been affecting him, and knowing that I'm not well and struggling...
I NEEDED to know this
I felt like I had carried the weight of this alone for the last 5 years, as that is how is has felt
It is like grief - when you realise he has spent 1/4 of his life at home, with a chronic illness
I want to scream sometimes, and have been crying at the drop of a hat at the injustice of it
I'm not happy that it has affected the Man this much, but at least I don't feel as alone
It has often felt like not only were we not on the same page, but that we are in a completely different book
We are total opposites in every way.

I have no idea what will happen with his job
We can cross that bridge as it comes I guess

G
x♥x

It was All Good Until.....

~Merry Christmas~

Better late than never?

It WAS all going well - I was still tired but working around it.

I managed a roast dinner for 15 of my team last Wednesday - roast beef, ham, baked spuds, pumpkin, peas, gravy...followed by a 12 egg pavlova and chocolate ripple cake.  I wrapped gifts for each person, and made up prizes so that every person received something for their hard work through the year....

Everything turned out perfectly (as in no disasters!) - we all had a lovely afternoon and there was plenty of food and drink for all.

While I was packing up and tidying up after the Man and my sons went to collect our new baby....Maximus...an 8 week old Birman kitten :) His name is Maximus.  He is beautiful!

My Christmas present :)

I had everything ready and organised for his arrival home.

 George isn't too impressed.  Actually he was afraid of Max to start with - now he is curious but crabby/jumpy.  I hope he gets used to him soon :( 

He is spending a lot of time outside, comes in briefly the goes out again. 

Max is desperate to play with him....

So anyway, where was I?

My tongue started to feel weird, I felt a bit hot.  

As time passed my glands were up, and my throat started to feel awful, really sore.  

I started getting a headache - a massive one in the back of my head.

Oh I know what this is, I haven't had it for the last few weeks and now it's back.

TONSILLITIS.

Bloody hell.

(We went to a friends for tea the weekend before - she failed to mention she had had a throat/gland thing going on - mind you she is one of these people that goes off if anyone comes to her house sick or sends their kids to school sick - yet she does it to me knowing what I have been through over the last year or so....for gods sake!!!)

Add to this a very bad nights sleep with an unsettled kitten crying for his mother.....and suffice is to say that I woke up feeling like absolute hell Thursday.  

Thursday night we went to Mums for Christmas eve, eve.  

Big A was night shift Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day.

Friday I felt equally as rotten., but managed to get out and get a few things ready for Christmas Day.

Christmas Day arrives - OMG - I got up at 8.30am when the Man arrived home from work, we woke the boys and they opened their presents.  

I received my first ever gift from Possum and Small Man - they actually went out and chose me something themselves...awwwww!!!

I wasn't expecting to receive anything Christmas Day so it was a lovley surprise :D

The boys went back to bed, and I went to sleep on the couch with Max.

I woke up and still felt terrible.

Actually I felt so mentally and physically defeated I was almost in tears.

The whole day was such a struggle I felt like I was cracking up completely.

I was close to tears and right on the edge all day.

The turkey was already cooked and just needed reheating - it wasn't hot enough at serving time....I couldn't get it together to serve all of the food up at once, I was losing it big time....

It was horrible to feel that way Christmas Day but I was secretly praying for it to be over.

Nothing against my family whatsoever but I just couldn't cope.

No-one really noticed.

Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

I am still not myself.

I think I am really, really burnt out, my emotions are raw and too close to the surface for comfort - I have even been a touch snappy and I'm rarely like that with the kids.

I am now on holidays until the 14th of January - except for banking tomorrow. I will do one afternoon on the 14th - one afternoon on the 18th and then don't start fully until the following week.

I'm seeing my GP Thursday so will discuss all of this with him.

G

x♥x

~ Dr Matt ~

Small Man's doctor Matt has written a book - released this year


"Is Your Child Overweight"    (link)


I am curious to read it

G
x♥x

~Cuckoo...cuckoo...cuckoo....~

Are we there yet?

Is it holiday time?

Still a few hurdles to go and then it's break time

I got my sleep study results in the mail - just report not really an explanation of what it means - they have booked me in for February to go back to the ENT 

I have my own theories on fixing the issue

Briefly the study showed I slept for 4.9 hours with 66% sleep effectiveness, I was awake between 3am and 4am - I snored loudly and frequently when actually asleep - I woke up (or my brain did) 16 times an hour on average - and I only managed 0.4 hours of REM sleep....

No apneas but some hypopneas - he did say that I didn't have any REM sleep on my back which is when apneas are most likely to occur

He noted that my sleep 'architecture' was slightly abnormal in that it took me a loong time to get to sleep - which is what the delayed sleep article thingy that I posted before I had the study was basically saying, and I could relate to it instantly......
He has called it mild upper airway resistance syndrome.

I think it has everything to do with stress and a shit sleep pattern my body has formed.....
Would prefer to look into treating that before getting tonsils and all the rest chopped out.

I went in for a 5 min appointment with my GP Tuesday to get a script repeat and he mentioned that my thyroid 'was up a bit' in my last blood test - we will be discussing all of this on the 30th Dec.


G
x♥x

~AnD AfTer ThAt~

I feel a little bit better (emotionally) this morning

After a terrible nights sleep

I must be all cried out now, who needs fluid pills?

I will never do what isn't right for all of us

Looking is not accepting

'What if?' doesn't have to be 'what will be'

Nothing is ever carved in stone

I will continue to listen to my gut instincts as they usually steer me in the right direction

And this situation will pass one way or another

Thank you Toni for listening last night - it really helped ♥

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

G

x♥x

~Straws...Camels Backs and so on.....~

I am actually really, really upset - defeated - sad - nervous - insecure - in disbelief - can't stop crying :'(

I just don't need this now

I have been walking a very fine tightrope over the last year or so

And this was the last thing I needed - I feel like I have been tipped over the edge now

I'm sure this was not his intention but the timing was awful

I'm not a giver-upper but everyhting just feels too hard now

Perhaps admitting to my recent work misery has opened some emotional floodgates

He told me last night he has applied for two jobs on the mainland - just to see what happens :(

I don't get to know where - but I am guessing Tomago NSW and possibly NT or WA.

The company would fly us up to check it out if he gets an interview.

I finally felt relieved for Small Man that he may get some financial relief, and that he was brave enough to have a go at college next year which will be massive for him - and it's only that he has the security of his buddy AJ being there that he is ok with it - he is so self conscious and has extreme social anxiety (despite doing a brilliant job of hiding it) imagine moving him to a new state where he knows no-one???

I can see where Big A is coming from, fresh start etc, Possum will be looking for another job in February...

I can see a few advantages, but not enough to start packing, no yet anyway

I would need 12 months and $$$$ to get this house ready to leave - we haven't even done the new carpet/curtains and the bathrooms need both showers replaced (YES, THEY DO!!!! NO they will no 'be right')

And I wouldn't even agree to that - I could not even get my head around the idea of  anyone else owning MY HOME - rent it out possibly - but then they would get to enjoy what I have been waiting for for years - the new floor covering etc :(

On a practical note I don't feel we have enough equity in the house since recently spending 10 grand on ducted airconditioning/heating. 
We haven't even pulled out the goddam woodheater yet!!!

There is no WAY I would take up the job I am currently doing anywhere else in Aus (which would be an option) - we have the highest sales potential in Aus - and it sucks here the amount of work we have to do - so no way in hell would I do it anywhere else for even less??

Add to this the fact that nothing has changed with me physically yet - I haven't even got my results from the sleep study.

Small Man is still waiting for his surgery date - we have been waiting for this for so long I just want to get through that before anything else.

I am isolated now because of my health and the amount of work I am having to do - I just can't keep up socially as well as everything else  - I also don't 'need' a lot of people in my life (never thought I would say that) - happy with my own company at the moment, but at least if I want to go visit a friend I can - I am not the sort of person that can go up to just anyone and start chatting - without younger kids at school making new friends in a new town could be a challenge I'm just not up for right now :(

He said that we don't do anything together with friends - well he never wants to when I suggest it - the list for his 40th birthday was so long it was unreal - but he didn't want to do anything.

I am not trying to hold the man back from 'what is out there' but he tends to get some pretty romantic ideas about what life would be like elsewhere, but at the end of the day the grass isn't greener everywhere else and you make your life where you are.  

Or maybe I am just selfish?

So yeah, maybe this has finally broken me after hanging in there for so long.

 

G

x♥x

p.s. If you're not sure what I'm on about see previous two posts

Honest opinions/thoughts/feedback welcome.......I can't say a word on facebook (except via email messages).

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back ( one last thing that finally made you upset ... )

~Recurring Dreams~

I have had the same dream in different variations  

so many times over the last few years....many times

I think it happens when I feel insecure ~

It is about our home

And that we have either sold it or left it empty

And we regret it terribly

And we have the most overwhelming sense of homesickness for our house, this house.... 

And I am desperate to get back here - and that the whole thing was a terrible mistake......

I wonder what this means, if it's just a coincidence or something else??

I am so unsettled/sad today

G

xx

~Distressed....distraught....whatever~

I was going to do Small Man's leavers function post tonight

But a few other things came up when Big A got home from work

He wants to move (again) to the mainland

I don't


I did however reveal to him my true feelings about my job and the misery I have felt with it - but we both know it has to be for a while - I am not physically or mentally up to doing anything else - and I am needed here (at home).  That's not the issue - I do this job or I do no job and we can't afford to do that at present.


He seems to think we are in a rut and that nothing is keeping us here


My home is my security


Knowing where everything is and being in familiar environment is my security


I may not see my friends every day but we talk on the phone or online (and yes I know I could do that from anywhere in Aus)


He is concerned about Possums lack of interest in socialising - moving would just make it worse

Small Man has just gotten comfortable enough with the idea of college (mostly cos he knows he will have AJ there for the first year) that we went and enrolled him there for next year today.....


I understand he wants a change in work environment but jeezas I think I have been through enough turmoil with the kids and work and whatever to do the second most stressful thing on the list of stressful things - moving house - let alone to another state 

I do believe a major part of my sleep problem is stress and not letting out how I feel about things.  I am putting on more and more weight while eating less than 1000 calories most days which is ridiculous

Anyone with any visions of me moving in the near future please let me know
I like to be forewarned about these things


x♥x

~BIG~

The next few weeks will be...

As I am sure they will be for everyone - thank god we don't Christmas Shop any more - yes really, I'm serious.

We decided as a family a few years ago that we won't buy for adults any more - you have no idea how much stress that relieves - we buy for our sons and my brothers daughter......and something for each other.

This year we are getting a new 'baby' - an 8 week old Birman kitten - a wee brother for George :)

I am hosting my work Christmas party here - for my team ONLY - team members and their partners ONLY....I have bought them each a gift which I have had for a few months now, it's actually for the girls so will get a small gift for the few men and that's that.  I think I will do a traditional roast lunch - which is actually a lot less to prepare etc than a barbecue - and more cost effective also - just a whole lot of roast veg to cook - too easy!
I have two volunteers to help prepare desserts and set up on the day - what a lovely team I have.  
It seems I may be the only 'manager' that is having a party for their team out of 5 of us in the north of the state - see what happens when I don't organise the lot??
I think it's extremely poor of them.  You must give something back.

Life, to me would not be life if it was a life lived selfishly.
I don't mean give away all that you have
I don't mean let people take advantage of you
I mean giving a little of what you have to another
If that be a shoulder, an ear, a bed for the night (no I don't mean for a stranger off the street!), a meal, a lift to work if it's raining, whatever comes up.......
But it must be unconditional.


I have finally made the decision, and taken the steps towards: applying for the disability pension for Small Man, and organising to meet someone at the college (not the same one that Possum attended....) to discuss enrolment for next year.
Unfortunately the next available doctors appointment with our GP was the 30th December - how friggen ridiculous is that????? Thankfully, I had an appointment booked for the 20th for nothing urgent - so I will swap the appointments around so that we can get Small Man's paperwork filled out and back to Centrelink.
When I think about how I would like his life to be going - this is not even close to it - but at the same time he deserves financial independence.
He would work in a heartbeat if he were physically able.  And he's not.

I was relieved that it seemed fairly straightforward on the phone - compared to how much red tape we've had in every other area...
Big A seemed to equate this to us being 'happy about it' or celebrating in some way.  
Not at all, just accepting the situation for what it is, and how it is.
Our son has been unwell for 4 years and 9 months - with no glimpse of any change - even the lap band surgery is no guarantee of fixing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - he is just going to feel a hell of a lot better about himself - which is the goal - if it helps the fatigue then that would be a dream come true ♥
Until then we must be realistic.  
If I continue to fight against the reality I would break down completely, and be of no help to him whatsoever.  I feel like that anyway sometimes, so lets not make that any worse eh.


He has his Grade 10 Leavers day on Wednesday.
Awww.....my baby :')

Big A has to work night shift the night before and none of the lazy fucks will cover him - well that's my take on it anyway....so he will have to work 12 hours the night before then stay up for the presentation day. 
Not sure how we will organise things yet.  
I'm hoping for a small miracle between now and then, someone to come in for him so he can come home and sleep for a while first....
I will have to come home after that and pack another $8,000 order - I have organised a helper for that also - and have the out of town people coming to pick theirs up - won't hurt them to do it the once.


G
x♥x

~Kill me now.....~

Joking!!

I managed about 3 - 4 hours sleep last night at best.

Not much REM sleep.

I tossed, I turned, I snored - just as I would at home - but mostly I drifted in and out of sleep, just as I do every night

Except I wasn't at home I was in a strange place with wires 'glued' and masking taped to my face and head - straps around my chest and legs.....and someone watching me sleep via video camera.......so relaxing......

I now wait 4 - 6 weeks for the specialists report

I know all of the options - I just don't like any of them :(




G
x♥x

~OMG....EuReka?!~

I found this and nearly fell off my chair...

Especially:

Some features of DSPS which distinguish it from other sleep disorders are:

* People with DSPS have at least a normal—and often much greater than normal—ability to sleep during the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon as well. In contrast, those with chronic insomnia do not find it much easier to sleep during the morning than at night.

* People with DSPS fall asleep at more or less the same time every night, and sleep comes quite rapidly if the person goes to bed near the time he or she usually falls asleep. Young children with DSPS resist going to bed before they are sleepy, but the bedtime struggles disappear if they are allowed to stay up until the time they usually fall asleep.

* DSPS patients can sleep well and regularly when they can follow their own sleep schedule, e.g. on weekends and during vacations.

* DSPS is a chronic condition. Symptoms must have been present for at least one month before a diagnosis of DSPS can be made.

Attempting to force oneself onto daytime society's schedule with DSPS has been compared to constantly living with 6 hours of jet lag; the disorder has, in fact, been referred to as "social jet lag".[7] Often, sufferers manage only a few hours sleep a night during the working week, then compensate by sleeping until the afternoon on weekends. Sleeping in on weekends, and/or taking long naps during the day, may give people with the disorder relief from daytime sleepiness but may also perpetuate the late sleep phase.

People with DSPS can be called extreme night owls. They feel most alert and say they function best and are most creative in the evening and at night. DSPS patients cannot simply force themselves to sleep early. 

They may toss and turn for hours in bed, and sometimes not sleep at all, before reporting to work or school. Less extreme and more flexible night owls, and indeed morning larks, are within the normal chronotype spectrum.

Oh WOW.

Possum and I are both exactly like this (hence the nickname 'Possum')

It's going to be interseting to see what my sleep study shows!

G
x♥x

~ I NeEd~

I'm going to need a book to read Monday night....or something to read make me tired for the sleep study.........

Better go and look tomorrow....

Only one young man here this evening, and he's mine.....far out it's quiet!!!!

Last night we were entertained by two extras - shirtless in the kitchen getting their hair dyed by Small Man....in his mankini......ah yep it's all good here ;)

I think I need a breather tonight though, as much as I love them all and make the most of these moments, cos they won't last forever :(
Small Man has gone to stay at AJ's house for the weekend - so just Possum and I at home mostly as Big A is working all weekend - that'll be different!! 
I have had extra lads here on and off for weeks it seems!!

I do have quite a bit to catch up on actually so should get a bit done...

G
x♥x

~ A Quickie ~

Wow - I got in for the sleep study on Monday night.....

.....so anyway, as you were.......

G
x♥x

Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty anyone???

Read about it here....

I'm actually think 'not'.......at this point

It looks horrific and the results don't sound to promising, 2-3 weeks recovery.....

I'm off for a sleep study first and have some DOXYCYCLINE to try also for a month

He was a really nice specialist, didn't see anything nasty with his little camera thingy but can see what is happening with my throat etc, even though I don't have acute tonsillitis right at this moment my throat is red and my tonsils enlarged a bit

So we'll see

Nothing is going to happen for a while, so in the mean time I am PRAYING for this medication to work......

G

x♥x

~Little Bits~

I had a crack at Halloween-ing Small Man - he reckons it's a 'fail' effort - I reckon it's alright! He does look mad though doesn't he!

A very, very slow day today - I wonder what happens in my body sometimes, how can I have days like this, what is the imbalance and how the hell can I find out or fix it?

Bah


People just don't seem to get that I'm no better, it's the same shit day in and day out - only the level of it gets worse.  
Having a sore throat for over 12 months gets wearing, and it's kind of frustrating when people ask 'Have you got the flu?' 
I know they mean well but..................................................................... 

FUUUCK!!! NO I HAVEN'T IT'S THE SAME SHIT I HAVE HAD THE WHOLE TIME!!!
But thanks for asking and have a nice day.......
I will let you know when I no longer have it o.k.

 GAH

Work sucks as usual.  

The website sucks.  

My new boss failed to acknowledge my increased sales for the last two fortnights to he can go root his left boot, and I have two of my longest serving people leaving after Christmas for health/old age reasons :(

 I am doing a xmas party/farewell for my team only this year - and.....no kids.....I decided just adults this year - I'm not up to doing all of the stuff I have done for the last two Christmases - and I can do less amount of nicer food rather than having to stretch out what I have on the budget I have......basically only two of my ladies have kids, one will be away anyway and won't come, the other would like to come and have lunch without them :) so it's all good.

I have a party to prepare for on Friday night - it's the Wee Boy's 16th Birthday :) 

Nawww, my baby, 16 years old........ 

We have a mixed crowd coming around, I like that actually throw a group together and see how they go.  Corey is coming up from Hobart and AJ is coming over (with his girlfriend maybe), along with family, friends of the family etc.  

I'm expecting about 20 people.

The following night is Big A's work dinner.....

My little helper (Sam, 18) has offered to come and help me this week to cook/pick up kids/drop them off the night of the party/prepare in general.....we have had all of 'our' kids here a few times in the last few weeks, ours and our two 'spares' Michael and Sam..

We sat and ate corned beef with Michael and Sam Friday night - my boys don't eat it so it was unusual to sit and all eat it together...he he!

It's nice kind of like having a bigger family just on a temporary basis.

Michael has been staying with us on and off for the last 2 weeks or so - he bought an unregistered car (as you do when you are 19 and haven't really thought about it) - it failed the 'pits' (roadworthy inspection) and needs a few parts - that we are having a spot of trouble getting hold of....he has no way of getting to work from his Mum's place and his Dad lives even further away, so he's between here and his girlfriends and another friends, but mostly here.

He has trouble accepting help, even little things like me doing his washing, dropping him off to work, but is getting used to it now I think.

I don't mind, I had a family help me for quite a few months when I was 16/17 - if it hadn't been for them who knows where I might be.....

So Small Man has been in extremely good spirits having his best buddy here - but tired....

It does seem to have motivated him to get his school work done, otherwise he knows we might not be as pleased at Michael being here.... 

He did sleep all night Friday night and all day Saturday though ;)

 

Anyway, this is not getting anything done is it....

G

x♥x

~ Well.....~

I stayed up all day today! - despite looking like this ^ last night 

- I do like the water effect on the photo though:) 

Yesterday was so busy I didn't expect to have too much go in me today...

I don't think I'll take staying awake all day for granted again for a long time

G

x♥x

~Realisation~

And the grief comes again..

Like I am the same 20 year old girl, who was already a mother, but probably still a child in many ways

I wasn't ready

Are you ever ready to lose a parent?

Are you ever ready to accept that you only have yourself to count on, for the rest of your life??

Where is all of this coming from?

Mum - and finally the penny has dropped

She said she was having my niece for a few days in December - I shrugged my shoulders

 - honestly my heart just sinks every time I hear it.....

She said a friend had commented on how she must love having her granddaughter - and her reply was "Yes, but it makes me sad also" - her friend asked why and she responded with "Because I didn't ever have my Grandsons, because I was working"

I don't think the work thing is an adequate excuse to be honest - there were weekends, holidays, public holidays etc SURELY one night every 6 months wouldn't be too much??

What hurts and agonises the most is that it seemed like she didn't WANT to spend the time with them - and that is unbearable

I couldn't say much with HIM in the other room, but I did gesture with my thumb to the other room where HE was sitting and said "Yeah well HE wouldn't have let you have them anyway".....I couldn't say any more at the time, it will come up again

I believe a lot of my emotion around this comes from the pure lack of support - that is what it boils down to...

Yes, it was our choice to have our first child at such a young age - no it wasn't my choice to lose one of my support people (actually the only person truly happy to be told he was going to be a Grandfather) so suddenly....

It was also not my choice to take on the whole legal battle that followed my fathers death without too much help from my brother - I don't begrudge him this at all, he just isn't as strong as I am and couldn't cope at all - I had Big A to lean on, and these things are best if one person makes all of the calls etc, or things can get very mixed up.

I was looking back at photos of Possum from that time, for signs that it had affected him, my profound grief/shock/sadness......the only thing that happened was that he suddenly refused to sit down in the bath, and I had to bath him in the kitchen sink.....otherwise he was smiling and happy

I look at the 18/19 year olds I know now and it really hits me, I really did all of that, 

at that age, and managed to maintain a relationship and raise a young son at the same time.  

It's amazing what you can do when you have no other choice.

We all have to move on from things, let things go, put things to rest and so on - but how do I do that when every time they start on about having my niece it makes it here and now??

I did actually say to Mum it wasn't about me getting a break or anything of the sort - it was about the boys spending time with people other than us, even if just for the night.  

I also said really think it would have helped them with their phobias around food as well, Possum wouldn't eat anything I hadn't cooked there for a long time, and well we know about Small Man's eating problems.....

I am angry with Mum for not standing up to him for us, no way in hell would any bloke be telling me what I can and can't do - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children or my future granchildren.  

As for him I think it is all one big manipulative game, and if he's doing it to piss me off well it's worked.......

He made a big point of saying when I was pregnant with Possum that it was us that was having a baby, not him and Mum (eeewww at the thought of that) and they would not be looking after the baby....everything has always been about teaching me a lesson.

Am I not worthy of some support?

What about just being there for a girl that has lost her father, and is still up through the night crying about it 18 years later?

I mean, already insecure about being adopted, and the loss of a parent.....bloody hell I don't know how I survived it all.....only 3 years earlier I was out of control/lost/suicidal/borderline eating disorder/overdose a total mess........

Yes they soon pitched in to the conversations about the legal shit I was dealing with, but really underneath I secretly blamed HIM a little bit for Dad's heart attack.......and the woman Dad was in a relationship with....but anyway...

Those thoughts and feelings are long buried, but I feel like I can now really pin down why I get so upset over this having the grandchildren business.

It's not like it's just an overnight visit either, it's always for a few days and always includes a trip to maccas or the museum or the cinema, something like that........I could just cry :(

Scratch that I am crying :'(

It eats me up to think of when Possum was in Grade 5 he won a science talent award, to be presented at the casino - I invited them to come and watch him receive his award.....they said no :'(   

I never got a reason why......

And the worst bit really, is that Mum said recently that she would like to help me more (as I have said before I have done the last 20 years without her help, why now?) but that she'd have to keep it secret from HIM......Fuck That........

Some people may think I am 'lucky' to have Mum still and so on.....I don't see the luck involved when she's not really there.....

Eventually I will get over this too, but for now I keep my distance.  

It's not much fun crying every time they have been to visit.  

I don't ring them, I don't even send messages any more....

I haven't heard from J. my natural mother in months either.....

G

xx

p.s. I AM actually ok, I was lying in bed crying over this AGAIN and just need to get it out even though it may make no sense whatsoever to read, it's not healthy to keep bottling it all up ♥

**Added at 8.20am*** - I am definitely not cracking up or anything like that, just working through the issues that I have locked up for so many years - I mean, who wants to have to tell someone 'Umm hey how about spending some time with the kids' - it's not that they didn't ever come and visit or anything like that - but it was never this 'Come and stay with Grandma and have stuff here that belongs to you and we'll have food here that you like seeing as how you are fussy, and we'll go to the park and so on.....'
My boys were already a Grandparent short, and Big A's parents are on the mainland.....

~ RoAd TriP ~

I thought these turned out well considering I took them with my phone :)

Big A and I took an overnight trip to Hobart - one of those spur of the moment things.


This is the view from our room - hard to take eh :P


We decided to 'rough it' at the Hotel Grand Chancellor - shocking......hahaha!


Big A's Nan (his only living grandparent now) took a bad turn a few weeks ago - and went from being able to drive and living alone - to ageing about 10 years, mentally unstable/dementia, being unable to care for herself, unable to walk or eat solid food - let alone drive.
She was found sitting next to the window just staring out, she hadn't been seen for 2 weeks and the neighbours became worried.....

She has in hospital still on Tuesday morning when we went to see her, she was transferred into a nursing home on Thursday.
It was a bit of a shock to see her, she had always been a very strong minded person, especially in regard to selling her home and downsizing (at least).
Although it became apparent why when her house was cleared out.....

They found 450 toilet rolls in her 'back room', along with 100 boxes of tissues, 20 electric heaters (new in boxes), god knows how many suitcases.......and that was just the one room......the 'sewing' room was wall to wall with fabric.....


She will either settle in and flourish at the home, or not.
Hopefully the first option.

We went to see my Grandma and Pop on Monday - they were both well Grandma is still as sharp as a tack.  
She told me I had put on weight.....
I couldn't say much as I haven't told her how unwell I have been over the last 12 months.
Pop then went on to tell me I look 'well' and he doesn't like how these models look, all skin and bone - how sweet, trying to make me feel better, but of course it doesn't :(


We did some shopping and then went down to the wharf in the evening for some Japanese food - beautiful.  
We had to (of course) check out the chef first as it had to be fair dinkum Japanese! 
It was and it was lovely to sit with the man and eat it together.
We ate sushi and sushi mi and all sorts of stuff I can't remember the name of but I could eat it every night and not get sick of it :D

Then when I came home some of my irises had flowered beautifully - I love the detail in the yellow one, even though I don't usually plant yellow flowers I do like this one....

I mostly plant pink, blue, purple & white.........

I took these with my phone also :D

So anyway......lots happening around here this week......


Only two weeks and two days till I see the ENT......


G
x♥x

~ So Anyway ~

I've made it through another busy week

For some reason this nose/throat business has become worse

Hence the few extremely bad days earlier this week

I seemed to have gone in the head first, the body followed or maybe it was both and I just didn't realise...

Anyway I have just had to cut back further on everything

Just an example Small Man and I went on a trip to town yesterday


We walked from the car park about 100 metres to get some lunch, chicken souvlaki in fact, at a proper greek shop that has had the same decor for at least the past 15 years, maybe longer, I reckon it wouldn't taste quite the same if it was all flashy......anyway.....

We then walked maybe another 500 metres down to Target - looked at some clothes for SM - actually he even tried something on.....in the change room....
We left there and walked back towards the car park....stopped in at Chemist Warehouse (my new best friends, I am saving about $50 per month by getting my scripts there....sorry Amcal....you are just too expensive)......

By the time we got back to the car we were both STUFFED.

If I compare this to the amount of walking we did in Canberra - my goodness one day we walked around a shopping centre at a cracking pace - as we only had an hour to spend there.....not to mention virtually running through the airport to catch adjoining flights......

A friend called to ask me to go to the craft fair this weekend, I have had to say 'No' after the way I felt Friday, I'm not taking any chances.  

How much fun would I be if we were there for an hour and I couldn't go any further? 

I'm pretty sure my friends will understand, it's not like I am doing it on purpose.  

I have become quite isolated, by choice.  

I'd rather not make plans than let someone down.

It's just the way it is.

I will ring the specialist and ask to be put on their cancellation list, but I get a feeling I will be waiting until the 22nd of November anyway......

In other news I did manage to help Possum write 5 PAGES about how wonderful he is for a job application.

It was so funny in the end, he ran out of concentration having started writing at 5.30pm - having around half an hour break - and the whole exercise finished (that included updating his resume/filling out the application form/double checking everything) at 11pm....

So now hopefully he will get an interview at least!

The job is a natural progression from the traineeship he is doing now...

So that's about it really,

G

x♥x

~ A Bad Day ~

I hate these 'bad' days

Where I don't get to choose what I can and can't do - it's what I can manage physically

It gets chosen for me

And then the guilt of getting nothing 'done'

Feeling like I have to justify it......

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day

Longing for those few hours a day where I feel closer to normal

FML at the moment - it's starting to get to me....... and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it

G

xx

~Flagging........~

Motivation for Small Man is at an all time low - and I'm running out of ideas to keep him interested.....
Even though he knows there is major change coming for him, to try and find the energy and make the effort to get through each day has hit a real low

NAGGING HIM WILL NEVER HELP - NEVER - In fact it will make the situation so much worse it's not even within a million miles of a possibility or solution


So what to do


I'm struggling myself


The last few days haven't been great for me physically
Roll on the end of November - but then not - because that brings us very close to then end of the school year for SM


I have had in depth discussions with his teacher and he has urged me not to push, try and encourage if possible but definitely not nag/push.....
He will be assesed on the work he has done......


I just don't want him to look back and feel disappointed


Next year - who knows


I can't even think about it - if I had to make a decision today based on how he has been recently the decision would definitely be to take at least a year off - or to do one subject via college via open learning.....


I just don't know :(


G
x♥x

So it looks like I'd better dust off my vibration machine - at 200 - 500 calories (supposedly) burnt in 10 minutes - it sounds like a plan!!

Not sure why I stopped using it...? 

I think it could be that it's in Small Man's bedroom....hmm not sure......no room for it really in the living areas....unless I put the treadmill somewhere else....

Pity the gym didn't have them.....ours is slightly dodgy and will only work on low for 1 minute then it switches onto HIGH....bzzzzzzzzzzz....hey that might make it burn more - haw haw!

Still need and want to go to the gym, but this is going to be extra - and it doesn't add to my morning fatigue

Be-udy Mate....!

G

xx