Dropping the F bomb.......

Another big fat waste of time.

Yet another appointment that has left me wondering why we bothered.

Paediatrician couldn't offer anything.

Small Man was growing increasingly aggravated.

He's had enough.

And then it happened.

I made a gesture to comfort him,
to which he responded with

"No, you'd be pissed off too if you'd been F@CKED around for the last two years"

True.

What to say to that?

Obviously it wasn't the first time the doctor had heard "the word" - he just kept talking like nothing had been said.....

He said something about the lap band - Small Man said "Well it was your idea for me to have it in the first place"........

So now I'm waiting for the Professor to return my call,
and we go from there.
And on and on we go.

G
xx

~Bed Time Soon~

One of those weekends....

A quiet one (aren't they all these days for me), mostly slow, punctuated by moments of tension and stress.

A work related phone call today that threw me right off track.....and made me extremely angry!!!
I won't go into detail because A: It's totally boring and B: I'm being careful what I write as far as work goes...just in case. This was the second phone call of it's type I received over the weekend - not good.

Let's just say another promise that hasn't been followed through.....
and guess who has to 'make it all right' with upset people trying to get on with their jobs......

Mum and SF came to visit yesterday - hadn't seen them for a few weeks.
I was in an unwashed/unbrushed state - I'm sure Mum didn't care!
Yesterday was "I don't have to go out anywhere so I can't be stuffed having a shower and I'm doing lots of housework" day - you know the ones!

Big A was home earlier than expected today, fishing cancelled due to the inclement weather.
It was freezing last night, I even lit the fire!

Z16 worked from 6pm - 11pm today - had yesterday off - much sleep involved!

Tackled the supermarket again - have found another one I'm o.k. in for at least 30mins - the layout is a bit odd though so it takes longer. Another victory against my agoraphobic tendencies!

I worked from 7.30pm - 9.30pm tonight tidying up the many loose ends with a 'SD' as they had a resignation during the week and there was much to be done with undelivered orders, area to be re-assigned, stock returns to be updated, orders placed etc.
I preferred to sort it out tonight, as 'SD' has to work at his other job tomorrow.
At least the week is starting with a clean slate.
Everyone is organised.
Amazing how I can organise other people...but when it comes to myself...well.......you know...

Late start for Z16 tomorrow - free 'line' at College Monday mornings, so no rush.
Small Man is seeing the Paediatrician at 2.20pm - I will be interested to hear his thoughts on our appointment with the Professor.....

G
xx

What does better off look like?

Not sure if we are 'better off' after our appointment today....

O.K. - so we went through all of the questions for the millionth time...with two students taking notes...

That's o.k. - I expected that.

Small Man was weighed and measured and examined.

The Professor seemed incredulous that we haven't seen an ongoing specialist - we've seen many specialists, just none of them ongoing.

He hasn't said no to the lap band - but hasn't said yes either.

He wants to consult with a paediatric obesity specialist and would like us to see him too.

That's fine.

He wants to make sure every possible test for underlying causes to the weight gain (aside from the chronic fatigue) have been done and he is happy with the results.

That's o.k..

He wants to look at other possible ways of helping Small Mans weight and ensure these have also been exhausted.

No problem.

He asked me when CFS was diagnosed, I said there has never been an official diagnosis - but the term is used often and he is fatigued - chronically.

Small Man was in a testy, brittle mood.

He hasn't reacted to the appointment yet.
He didn't say much during the appointment and was horrified that the Professor wanted to check his 'undercarriage' .
He said "You'll be right thanks". You can't explain to a 13 year old boy why this would be necessary - you just can't.
One minute they are flashing it around for anyone that wants to look - the next thing there is a please knock sign up on their door - that's o.k. it's just the age and I respect their privacy - I'm sure the Prof got it.

Perhaps I'm getting used to these appointments - I feel quite flat, numb, whatever tonight.

It's not as if it was bad news, I think I'm just resigned to the fact that it's going to be a longer haul than the long haul we've already had.
And no, didn't expect him to whisk him upstairs and get a lap band into him this afternoon (if I feel disappointed after an appointment I ask myself "What was it I expected from this? What did I want the doctor to say?").

I just don't want to get to the stage where I'm leaving him on his own for longer, because of the obligations I have with work etc - I mean I don't want to start switching off to him in the slightest - if he senses that he'll give up.

Now I'll get the phone calls to see how we went, It's nice that people care but there wasn't anything concrete I can give them.
Well, except the above, and that we are seeing the Paediatrician Monday afternoon, and I have to ring the Prof back Monday afternoon too....

*sigh*

and on it goes......

G
xx

Unblocking My Path...

A few interesting events happening around me at the moment.

Imagine the road I live on as being long and straight, curving off to the right at the end.

At the beginning of the road lives toxic ex sister in law.

I have to drive past her house every time I go out - there is only one road in and out of my suburb. My brother stopped coming to visit for a while due to the pain this person caused both him and my family. Put simply, fidelity was not her best quality, nor was sanity for that matter.

At the other end of the road, at the end of the curve, lives another toxic ex 'friend' (the one that did tarot readings about me with her friend without my knowledge or consent, and many other things).

She has to drive past my house every time she goes out.

I am right in the middle between both of them.

Of course this situation wasn't ruining my life or anything - but there was that sense of being surrounded.
Don't get me wrong, someone has to really hurt me badly or let me down repeatedly for me to cut them off. Both of these did just that - too many times.

Over the past week the toxic ex sister in law has moved out (with the new boyfriend - lucky boy) - and toxic ex friend has apparently sold her house.

Interesting that both happened at once.


Hmmm....!

G
xx

PEEPING TOM!

This little guy was peering though my kitchen window earlier tonight - so I grabbed a few photos of him!

G
xx

No rest for the...wicked?

HAPPY EASTER!

So much for resting this morning.

Kept going last night on the washing and stuff til after midnight so there wouldn't be a lot to do this morning.

Did my Easter Bunny duties - finally went to bed around 1.30am.

Didn't sleep well.

Phone rang at 9am.

Yes it was the whopper factory, wanting Z16 to work - TODAY.
Jeez - I haven't even washed his uniform yet!!
Sure if he'd been rostered on I would have washed it last night, but thought I might be a bit selfish and wash some other stuff first - shame on me!

He worked Wednesday night, school Thursday, worked Friday night, then 8 1/2 hours yesterday, then works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday.
Not full days but still, he's meant to be on holidays.

I am afraid he will get run down.
I already have one child with CFS I don't think I need another one.

Me? I feel like crap this morning. Partially self inflicted, I ate the ears of a choc bunny, and for some reason feel gross now. I do eat chocolate, but only a few pieces at a time.
Blergh - bunny can stay in the fridge for a while! Must wake up - charge up and get my bum in gear for today - soon.....!

To top it off Big A's parents rang - I need bloody caller i.d. on the home number!!!!
MIL spoke to the boys, then FIL spoke to them.
I could tell it was MIL on the phone with Small Man, because of his snappy short answers.

And do you know what that BITCH said to him:
"What are you doing?"
Small Man: "Not feeling the best, lying on the couch"
FBMIL "Why don't you take the dog for a walk? Go and get some exercise"
ME (to myself) "Why don't YOU go F*#K yourself and mind your own friggen business"

They are sulking - because she had an operation on her hand Wednesday - and we didn't ring. Guess what - you have to be decent parents and a non alcoholic/abusive/selfish mother to get those sort of phone calls - the rest you get for Christmas etc is out of politeness and nothing else. If she thinks she's going to start her nagging/controlling/nasty/bitchy mothering on my kids she can think again.
So then I get him on the phone.....oh she's gone back to bed....boo hoo....she's just cracked the shits and doesn't want to talk to me....good cos I have nothing to say.
Sounds harsh? - I'm still dealing with the 'mistakes' she made as a mother, and none of them small or remotely acceptable - and yet she still has these 'expectations' - piss off.

You can pick your friends....

So - that feels better!
They get under my skin SO much - I can't imagine how the Big A feels at times......

So to feel better I rang my Grandma.
She's awesome.
Filled her in on all the goss, I can and do tell her everything.
It's nice not to have to be guarded in your conversation.
Pop got on the phone, and told me how thrilled he was to see Small Man and I the other week (THAT trip to Hobart). Small Man and Pop had a huge conversation inside while Grandma and I went out the back to 'check the garden' (have a smoke).
Pop said he asked Small Mans opinion on a few things, and the answers he received he wouldn't expect from the average 18 year old - let alone a 13 year old.
They really hit it off those two.
Must take Small Man down again, even if just for the day - now that I've done it once I can do it again!

Hope everyone has a nice day,

G
xx

Easter Bunny!

Well, it appears the Easter Bunny is now in the clear for tomorrow - no real shortage of eggs today.

Today looked like:

Be showered and ready - have Z16 showered and ready for work (shoes clean, uniform ironed/folded packed) and leave by 11.30am

Straight to supermarket - wander around in a daze for nearly an hour - on the upside I remembered everything - and I've found a supermarket where the fluorescent lights don't affect me as much as others - maybe not as bright or higher ceilings.

Come home unpack groceries. Hide easter eggs in beer fridge in garage.

Make Small Mans lunch.

Check emails etc etc

Check sales so far this week.

Prepare catalogues - needed to be re made up - they have a tag inside that says which day you'll pick them up - had to swap from Thursday to Monday then decided to add some vacancy tags - PB need another person for his area.

Do some washing....erk.
Wash it again cos I wasn't happy with it - hey I'm allowed to be fussy about ONE thing - and the washing is that ONE thing - he he he!

Try and put 'comment luv' bloody plug in thingy on here - failed - miserably - may need one of the tech heads here to help me.......

Went and delivered catalogues.

Went and paid for some power on pay as you go - we had gone into our emergency credit - oops!
Gave the lady in the service station a catalogue while I was on a roll - she was pleased.

Came home sent a few text messages - well about 10 actually. Friends/PB/my brother etc.

Ate some toast. Low GI bread mind you....jeez I'm good! ha ha ha!

Hung washing out.
Bought some in.
Folded some up.
Put another load on....*sigh* Front Loaders!!!! Good but slow as buggery.
Ran dishwasher.

Folded some more washing.

Made Small Mans dinner.

Fed dog.

Fed cats - not enough according to the death stares I've been getting.

Big A rang - shocking reception - phone kept breaking up.
Asked If I bought Easter Eggs - good of him to think of it so early! Ha ha!
He's a rummin.
Didn't tell him I bought him one too - just bloody spoilt he is!

So now I'm going to:
Hang this load of washing out when it's done
Put another load on (yes, have been a bit slack and only doing a load a day instead of two tsk tsk)
Tidy up a bit
Go and pick Z16 up from work at 8.30pm
After that who knows!

No work for Z16 tomorrow - so may all just relax a bit.

G
xx

Achievements.....or not!

Well, I've had a relatively unproductive day!

Although I did make an excellent purchase from Overstock - a fabbo cordless steam iron - with the free postage offer they have running over the weekend it cost me a whole $23.00 - good times there to be had with the ironing and all that - crikeys anyone would think that I actually IRON!

Big A left for his fishing trip mid afternoon. That prompted a bit of an undie/t-shirt hunt in the clean washing pile - told you I don't usually iron!

Z16 went to work at 6pm.
Small Man wangled his way into getting Spicy chicken baguettes from HJ's for his tea - with a coupon for Country chicken baguettes - not usually allowed to exchange coupon items but he has the gift of the gab that child - may make a good politician one day!
Plus the baguettes are a healthy choice for him which is also good.

Stopped in at the extremely busy 24 hour 365 days a year shop to grab a few things.....then drove past the 'not quite as expensive' IGA to find that was open today too - DOH!

Made some scrummy fish chowder for me, myself and I for tea.
Will feed me for the next few days actually! Used some flake from the previous fishing trip - rather nice!

Trying to keep myself wide awake and alert to collect Z16 at 11pm tonight- which will no doubt stretch to 11.30pm as it seems to do often. He is working again tomorrow - a big shift - midday til 8.30pm. I miss him when he's away - funny boy.

Thinking of Toni lots at the moment,
such a courageous and strong lady (and gorgeous too!)
going through so much at the moment when she deserves so much more happiness in her life than what she's had.
Hard to see a friend in pain - and try and be there, but know they need a lot of space too.
Roll on Tuesday my friend xx

I plan far more activity for tomorrow -
Catalogues to drop - yes, I'm getting out there again, has been a while! must help the team this week - I think I lost my confidence there for a little while.

Someone made mention of one low week in sales that we had last week WHOOPY DO!
Ya get that - especially when you have one out with the flu, one with a bad back, one that's putting 2 or 3 weeks worth of orders together and putting them in together, one that went around his area in 3 weeks (we aim for 5 weeks) and so skipped a week, and another whose car broke down. That's minus 5 ordering - gee I reckon that may just affect our sales a little - DERR!


It may be the biggest Easter Egg hunt of all time - trying to find any that is!!!!
Should be fine - I'm sure!

Bye for now,

G
xx

Some Answers

Today looked like:

Work call early

Take Z16 to college

Come home and feed Small Man

Tidy up kitchen

Stuffing around on computer, blog hopping etc

Work call again

Work email

Washing

Shower

Go and pick up Z16 from college at 12.30pm

Delivery of fish to PB for Good Friday

Stuff around on computer again - work/email stuff

Work phone calls x 2

Go to GP appointment with both boys:

Z16 is to be referred to Paediatrician for future prescriptions - yay - don't have to go through hospital - all is well with him - no need to change meds - maybe look at adjusting the timing of doses.
The emergency dept Doc had written a nice letter about our 'situation' the other week......but they hadn't sent the blood test results....

Small Man has a rash on the back of his head - can't remember what it is but at least it's fixable.
Toe may need a local anaesthetic and cutting toenail out a bit - that'll be something to look forward to - but not at the moment - it's still infected.

The main news is that the mystery appointment we have at the specialist clinic on the 28th is actually with the Professor from the Royal Childrens Hospital and is to do with the lap band......I read the referral letter (GP had a copy) - sounds good......

Got home from all of that:

Work messages/calls x 8.......not kidding....'reporting day' and hardly anyone knew what their teams stats were....so I rang them myself - nice to catch up for a chat anyway.
This is a new report thing we are doing...some are having trouble with it, they don't all have the same confidence level to ask direct questions....so we are working on that.
I have to speak with someone you all know every Friday and report on 'stuff' so that's the last phone call of the day - such joy!
Went o.k. today, we were in a good mood it seems - must have got lucky or something HA!

So it was after 6pm and tea wasn't cooked - so it was a rushed affair that was nice in the end. Z16 is eating a bit much junk for my liking so gave him a good feed of chicken fillet and vegies.

Big A is off fishing for the weekend - yes again! It's fishing season!
I don't mind at all.
My thoughts on this are - I'd rather him go fishing, than be sitting here WISHING he could go fishing.
That'd lead to resentment on both sides.
I've had a few "Fishing, AGAIN???" comments from friends that are more, how can I say, in charge of their hubbies spare time.
It's just not me, it doesn't worry me so why would it worry them?
People can sure be weird!

Anyhoo......
Must go and think about the lack of Easter Eggs purchased - oops!
It'll be fine - I'll get them Saturday!!!!

G
xx

P.S. I am SO sleeping in tomorrow!

Update

Big A has passed one section of the theory part of his exam - 2 yet to be marked.
He is a little concerned about one small part of this mornings practical exam - but one of the other guys doing the test made the same error, which is a 'small' oversight apparently....so we'll see - worst comes to worst he'll repeat the practical test in four weeks time - no biggie.

A strange letter was in the letterbox when I came home.
From the hospital.
It says that Small Man has an appointment to see the paediatric endocrinologist at the hospital on the 28th March.
Would've been good if I knew there was an appointment being made - but still, it has been made for a reason - must have had something to do with his last lot of blood tests.

I did say I would find something out or get a direction based on his health on the 19th!
Maybe this is 'it' - or will help us towards our goal of getting him well - however that may be.

He really enjoyed school yesterday afternoon, but went in a heap last night and hasn't moved much today. It's heart breaking. Especially driving around and seeing other boys his age out riding their bikes and 'hanging out' together.
That will be Small Man soon. That was Small Man before all of this......


Z16 working from 4pm (straight from school) til 9.30pm - they rostered him on for tomorrow - uh nuh - it's a school day peoples!
He rang and told them so they offered him this shift - he wanted to do it but he's tired - hope he goes o.k.
He can be quite stoic in nature, so I have to rely on asking him indirect questions to 'get' how he's going.
He has another 16 hours over the weekend....I'm so proud of him though......and it helps feed his 'game consoles that need games' addiction!

G
xx

Where are you Dell?

Dell - did you get my email?


G
xx

~Half way there - nearly a Sparky!~

Big A is through the first half of his exam - the second half tomorrow.

He's feeling fairly confident.....!

Small Man made it to school this afternoon (1.30pm-3pm)- so that's a total of 3 days since school started back in Feb. Never mind that he was in bed at 5pm, and just got up a little while ago........

6 out of 7 auctions sold on eBay - a grand total of around $50 - better than a smack up the chops!
Two have paid, one echeque pending and another emailed me tonight to say she's transferring payment - so two to go.

We've had some bushfires down here - the smoke is pretty bad - even from where I am - miles away. It looked like rain earlier...but I'm not sure now. I hope it rains.

Extended myself and went to the Kmart after school - huge outing I know - ha ha!
Well, that's Target and Kmart in two days....sheesh!

Did buy, yes buy, a few new tops, yes brand NEW......and yes they fit!
Didn't try them on - pah! - who wants to try stuff on when it's this hot, not when I can cue up for hours in the heat and return them if they don't fit - ha ha!.
Actually still had birthday money from January so used that..........
But really, it's like a grocery grab when you go to the Kmart with two teenage boys - you get about 10 minutes if you're lucky!!!

No insidious emails or phone calls today either - makes life much more bearable.
I'm sure I'll cop it at the next 'weekly' nag call - will be Thursday this week due to Good Friday buggering up her routine - one, two, three, awwwww!

Both boys have doctors appointments on Thursday afternoon, and who knows how late they'll be running at the surgery - so I may be VERY hard to catch - oh well ya get that.

G
xx

Tomorrow is...

My card for tomorrow.....

THE big day....

For Big A that is....

First day of his final exams.....

The culmination of four years work......decided in two days!

We won't get the result for a few weeks.

He'll be fine, I have every faith in his ability to pass this test first go......

Even though the first attempt pass rate is only 10%.....

He has achieved top of his class many times,
and won Apprentice of the year every year........

~*~

Nintendo WII is fun!

Z16 purchased one today,
parting with some hard earned cash........

......it's exercise without you realising it! Ha ha!

lots of sweating when its 32 degrees too!


~*~
Managed to escape to the op-shop for an hour this afternoon,
wasn't quite long enough but it was good anyway. Even though it was very hot in there, and there was some funky B.O. going on.......(no, not mine!!!)......

No aggravating phone calls or emails today - phew.....

G
xx

What to say...

Well....

A very up and down week for me.

It feels like I have been taking very small steps just in case the ground suddenly falls away in front of me....

Thursday ended up frantic

SD's orders were two days late arriving - by orders I mean around 10 BIG cartons full of products each to be broken down and packed to individual distributors - one distributor might have 30 - 70 items - and it has to be 'right'

Not good when you have distributors waiting to collect their orders to pack and prepare to deliver to their customers (and often delivery to customer day is Thursday - oops)

So Thursday afternoon was spent helping PB pack his order and meet with his team (which is always great, I offered some pointers on different things - they got it - and went away very motivated - excellent!)
Thursday late afternoon - early evening was spent packing TW's order, then delivering an order to my 'number one' distributor - not number one cos she's my favourite - number one because she started when I did, and moved over to my team when started as manager.

This was really great for me, she (SM) is 72 years old, has worked virtually every week since she started and has 'it' - she knows the drill it's something you can't teach and is invaluable in this business. She is also very easy to spend time with, and extremely loyal. Being a mother of 8 and grandmother to many she also pulls out the Grandma card on me sometimes!
I remember her telling me I looked like I needed 'a good feed', and that she was worried about my weight a few years ago - no chance of that now - but back then maybe she had a point - at 54 kilos (I'm currently 74kg)
SM is a great example of why I've fought so hard to stay in this job and put up with so much.

Friday I receive the dreaded weekly call.
This came early 2.30pm- SHE was supposed to ring me last - around 5pm - oh but she had trivial shit to throw - so lets get in early and enjoy ourselves with it.

Nothing worth repeating, but 'issues' to do with the courier relating to my guys she had great pleasure in telling me about (as it was negative - psycho).
Also another agreement from 'GA' that head office received that hadn't been filled in 'correctly' in actual fact she hadn't advised us not to use that agreement any longer, and that it needed to be printed off the web.....so who's not training who? Not to mention the fact that English is the guys second language, I think he does a brilliant job.

Some of the old tone came back in - not much but enough to piss me off.
What's it been, a whole week - well done ya loser.

BBB is KIDDING himself if he thinks she'll change - I know it won't happen - the team knows it won't happen - does SHE really think it will happen - kidding yourself love.

I've been/felt very drained/negative/slow/un-enthused/fat/unmotivated (except for Thursday) and basically a pain in the ass.

I felt quite agoraphobic for most of the week too - and so Friday night had to FORCE myself to go to the supermarket - it was quite crappy - the fluoro lights did my head in, but I kept going anyway or we may just starve!

I even got to the stage through the week of thinking about people that are no longer in my life (thank god) and reminiscing over how much they pissed me off/hurt me/hurt my family - very sad individual - usually I wouldn't care to think twice about them.

I recognise all of these signs....
I know what it means....

Waking up crying AGAIN Saturday morning.........

But then - today felt better,
I managed to get up and dressed at a reasonable time,
caught up on heaps of little jobs around here....
We went out for tea with PB and kids tonight to somewhere different.

The kids were neither here nor there, we only had Small Man with us - poor old Z16 at work and missed the night - again....
PB and the Big A loved it and want to go again (mind you they started having a 'few' beers here at 1pm - and we went out at 6.30pm so anywhere may have looked good - haw haw!).

One of the band played guitar for Aussie Crawl so he was pretty good,
Big A and PB were - eh - the loudest in the place clapping and cheering, so the guitarist came over and introduced himself and had a chat with them.....they were most impressed!

Anyway - tomorrow's another day - I hope I wake up in a 'make of it what I can' mood - I'm trying to kick this shit as hard as I can. And if that doesn't work I'll go see the doc.

G
xx

Just as I thought

The Paediatrician called me earlier....

Small Man's blood test shows little change - slight improvement from 12 months ago but an 'elevated LD' and liver function still not right.

I told him my concerns regarding school.

I am seeing him on the 31st of March,
and from what I gather the Professor from the Melbourne Royal Children's Hospital.
Paed is a bit hard to understand.

I am thinking of writing him a letter before then, to really address the concerns I have, and the impact this is having on Small Man, his life, his friendships, his self esteem, and the effect it is having on us as a family.

We are still arguing about the whole school issue - so no support there from the Big A.
He seems to think bringing it up all of the time, or telling Small Man that he'll have to repeat the year next year will motivate him to 'try' in some way.
I disagree completely on this 'strategy' - if anything it makes Small Man worse.
The last thing he needs is pressure.
I can tell simply by his colour, what time he wakes up, what he wants to eat, how he reacts to things or interacts with his brother even how he feels.
I am spending 24 hours per day with him - I think I would know and feel insulted that my instincts are doubted sometimes.
He wants to go to school, he wants his life back - and he just can't at the moment.
How many times can I say this????

So anyway, we won't know anything until after the 31st March,
it's Easter Holidays soon so the pressure re: school will be off for a while.

We are seeing the GP next week to work out what to do with Z16 and his medication, and I will also ask him his opinion on these blood tests, and whether he will help me speed things up/add some weight with the Professor/Paediatrician appointment.

My GP agrees with me completely - that this is absolutely the only choice we have.

G
xx

Blah Blah blah

And round and round it goes.....

When will it end?

I'll certainly be the last to know.

I ring the paediatrician for Small Man's blood test results,

"Meeh...the doctor will be in after 2pm today, nyeeh I'll ask him to call you back"

Good job I didn't hold my breath.

Yes, I'm sure he was busy

Yes, I'm sure there were other more urgent children for him to attend to....
That's fine, get the secretary to ring me back.......or something. The results were there.
Just tell me what they were.

It's only a phone call, but given the stuffing around we've endured over the last two years it's just pissed me off.

The test results will mean how quickly he will get this operation.
I need to know so that I can prepare him (and myself) for possibly a longer wait - 2 years hasn't been long enough for some people.

It is beyond hard to have to sit back and watch your child suffer for so long and not be able to offer him any help...or hope.

Maybe the lap band won't fix his fatigue, but he'll sure feel better about himself.

He has gained at least 25 - 30kgs since this started.

In my opinion, from spending 24 hours per day with him, I would guess the test results won't show much change to his liver function.

It is getting to the stage where he'll need to repeat grade 8 next year.
I don't want that to happen.
He needs to move up with his friends.

He needs a goal, a direction, and some hope.

The last week he has been running a low grade fever on and off,
and has turned me down on a short trip out to the shop or to get a movie.
I know he's going through a rough patch physically and all I can do is - NOTHING.
And I'm worried.

I would love to write a positive post,
but there's not much to write about at the moment - well it doesn't feel like it anyway.



I'll be sure and let you know when there is,

sook sook, whinge whinge and all that!!

G
xx

Hello There!

George - posing again!

G
xx

Speaking of eBay....

Thoughts Gathered

George and I had a lovely big sleep

He's still draped over my bed

It's a cats life!

I have woken feeling much clearer in my thoughts - and the idea of getting through the day isn't daunting as it was yesterday.

I ended up with a cracking migraine last night - which explains a bit.

Z16 worked until Midnight - but it was nearly 12.30am by the time he clocked off.

It's a beautiful day here, sunny with a nice breeze - handy when your washing has been neglected and your son is down to two pairs of jeans...both of which need washing and take ages to dry!

I have saved 5 listings to upload to eBay tonight....I have saved up a few draw card items for 'emergencies' and have a huge stack of clothes that need to go....some good brands amongst it all - Alannah Hill, Cooper Street, Nike etc

It will be nice to bolster the paypal account a little (or at all!) - I have been looking but not buying much - aside from some Diesel Green deodorant for Z16 - it's his smell - it's gorgeous - I have been buying it for him since he was 13/14 - one stick or can lasts him 6 months - so $17.00 isn't really extravagant. I have also found cologne and body wash to match. It's getting hard to find, so usually comes from eBay UK.
I also score Diesel t-shirts and jeans where I can - I found a genuine pair at the op-shop - they were still running dye when I bought them, and had that "I'm brand new" feel - they had been altered and I'm guessing they were too short after the alteration - perfect for him though.

Anyway,
I'm off to make myself useful!

Enjoy your day,

G
xx

Tears...and then more

Woke up this morning bawling my eyes out...and couldn't stop...the phone rang....then the mobile....I just couldn't answer them......

Always a great way to start the day :-(

This has happened a few times before on a Saturday...

I'm not sure why...(why Saturday, not why it happened today)..

If these crying episodes don't stop I suppose I'll have to go and see the doc....I mean, I've had three or four this week...

But then that just pisses me off...
because if it weren't for certain people deliberately trying to make my life hell - and then being overly nice to be because they've been told they have to - I'd be coping with everything else fine..

I'm frustrated and resentful at having to lie basically.
By lying I mean having to speak pleasantly to someone that in any other circumstance I wouldn't even acknowledge, because I can't stand them and know it's bullshit.

It's not the same as a family member that you see once or twice a year and are polite to even though they piss you off, for the family's sake.

I understand mind games and can spot them a mile away, I can figure out the strategy etc - but I don't like playing them myself.

And now I have to speak to her at least ONCE A WEEK!!
Won't that be something to fucking look forward to...

Thanks so much everyone for you comments and support through this - sorry I haven't responded to you all individually as I usually like to do....

I'm going to go and try to make today a better day,

G
xx

Just in case this hasn't been enough...

I have just come home from 4 and 1/2 hours at the Accident and Emergency....

With Z16.....

He accidentally took his anti-anxiety tablets this morning, then realised he shouldn't have, so took the ADD medication on top of it - so he'd taken 200mg of his anti-anxiety in 12 hours (he's supposed to take it at night time).

I rang the doctors surgery and was told to take him straight down to A&E because they'd need to monitor his heart/blood pressure.

So I bundled a reasonably doped young man into the car and checked him in to the hospital.

They did an ECG on arrival, blood and urine tests.

Noticing my obvious distress they have arranged for me to see someone to discuss things with if I want.

Any other time I may have handled it better.

I know that if I wasn't under so much pressure in all directions I would have watched/supervised him more closely.

The one positive is that they have made sure he WILL see the child psychiatrist at the local children's health centre to have his medication reviewed.

Oh and a $35 parking fine when I got back to the car to top it off.....

We have been getting by with our GP but he is limited, and it all falls back on me going with my own instincts as to reducing his dose etc. Naturally I always ask the Doc first, but he basically has to rely on my observations.

No new from the Big Big Boss,
just a few nit picky emails from HER - she tried to ring before - I didn't answer it....far too busy doing a crap job of everything to talk on the phone...

Hope everyone is is having a better day,

G
xxx

Virtue At The Helm.....

After a gruelling, nerve wracking day I can't describe,

having faced the possibility of losing everything I have worked for for the last 11 years......

.......a ray of hope.

Big Big Boss contacted PB tonight (PB sent an email of intent to resign if I am sacked/support of my position this morning).....
the reply to the email asked PB to relax, and that it is not in any way a consideration that this be the outcome (me being sacked) also he wrote "When you make a person feel small, you can only expect small results in return" and went on to say that it is his intention to make me feel BIG and reassured PB we would be working together on this.

Even though I have not been contacted by him personally as yet, this was indeed enough for me to feel like Mount Kosciusko had been lifted from my shoulders.

Big A and I have prepared for the worst possible scenario today,
he even made enquiries regarding starting shift work immediately.

He knows that he is a big part of why I have tolerated this treatment for so long, so that he might pursue HIS dream.
I don't think he fully understands exactly how much this has affected me.
I don't think I do actually.

So, I am pleased to report at this stage I am still firmly Captain at the helm of my incredible team,
and that it would appear the truth does set you free.


G
xx

CRAP

By the end of the day tomorrow I will either have my job,

or I won't.

I have received the most disgraceful email from her in an effort to justify herself,
including threats that 'behaviour' such as contacting upper management will no longer be tolerated and will result in my contract being cancelled. And a big heap of bullshit regarding my performance. Oh and that I'm using stalling tactics, and that I'm just wasting everyones time.

Rather than buying into any of this with her,
I have sent my response to the Big Big Boss.
At the end I have written that by contacting him I assume this will mean my contract will be cancelled.

I msg'd Big A at work (he's on night shift) and got him to ring me,
I've told him what happened, and that I will NOT have that woman in my house again,
and that if SHE isn't sacked, or I am not broken away from her then I will have to resign.

It's all I can do,
if she turned up here I'd knock her into next week,
and this from a very passive gentle person.

Any positive vibes you can send me would be greatly appreciated,

G
xx

Monday night...

All very quiet on the email front.

Very.

Today we:

went to physio.....Small Man is only going to be going once every two weeks for now and they want us to 'self manage' the exercise.....Small has a chart to fill in every day for his exercises.
He has lost 4cm from his waist and 1.5cm from each arm recently.

We then had an appointment with the Paediatrician,
he has ordered further tests to check liver function etc...and is seeing the Professor associated with lap band surgery at Royal Childrens in Melbourne in about two weeks or so,

Small Man has a Staph infection in his toe - so he took a swab and gave us some antibiotics.

Continuing on the Diaformin until further notice (this is being trialled to lower blood sugar).

Mildly disappointing - we go back on the 31st March.

Small Man summed it up, when he told him "I have lost too much of my life already, and I can't that time get it back"

The wisdom of a 13 year old boy stuck at home with his harassed mother for the last two years...

so we're off to pathology in the morning for more tests.....

And that's about it.....

G
xx

Change is coming...

Change is coming....I can feel it......it's overpowering....

I actually feel restless and - dare I say - BORED tonight.
I'm rarely bored, almost never.

March must be going to herald a huge month of change for me.
and it's all going to happen at once,
in around two weeks time!

Big A has his capstone test on the 18th and 19th

Small Man has an appointment with the Paediatrician tomorrow......to find out about going to Melbourne for his operation.....when........when......when?!

Big Big Boss is getting back to me Wednesday..........so maybe my role is about to change too - or maybe someone else will get two weeks notice.....hmmm.....no - lets not say maybe - lets say IS going to get two weeks notice.....that'll make it around the 18th/19th March too.......

I'm all over the place!

Went to the supermarket after collecting Z16 from work....
got a bit nervous in there......
hasn't happened for a while, I'm usually just vagued out from the fluoro lighting.......
just kept going though......not going to let a supermarket full of people put me off my game....


I think it's just the uncertainty of the next few weeks.......

and Donnatabs that are an 'antispasmodic' supposedly for the belly - worked on my head I think....ha ha ha!

Night All

G
xxx

Which is easier.....

O.K. - still in can't make a decision mode, and I mean it's so vitally important and all!!
So - what do ya reckon - which is easiest to read against the black background:

Green

Blue

N'other Blue (blue/purple I reckon!)

Purple (mellow)

Purple (bright)

Pink

Green (blue/green)

I mean this is of international importance!!!

Ha ha!

G
xx

..so anyway..

Updating the look of my blog,
haven't settled on colours for the fonts in different areas,
so is a bit multi coloured at the moment...half way through and have gone into can't decide mode....ya get that eh! Ha!

Feeling much calmer today, whatever happens my conscience is clear, I have finally stood up for myself and my team - and said 'you know what, no more'.

Had a lovely afternoon with my niece - I was official baby sitter from 12pm - 5pm today. We watched some Dora the Explorer - this is all new to me and I must say it became a bit brainwashy....so then we we rummaging in the boys rooms for something to play with. This led to lots of battery finding and replacing!
I mean to say, the batteries have only been in Buzz Lightyear for what, 11 years!!!! they just don't make things like they used to - he he he!

Anyway, she didn't want to go.
I must be getting old, I was totally stuffed by the time she left!

She must have been content here with me, she ate ice cream, cheese, chicken nuggets and a little packet of Doritos.....in that order!

Smartarse sent out an email to everyone at 6.30pm tonight - I mean get a life it's Saturday - anyway it was all about how FANTASTIC the trip to Sydney was and how 2008 is going to be AWESOME......right......o.k. then......still no reply to my email earlier in the week - I'm gutted! HA!


Small Man has had quite a bad few days - he slept from 10pm til 11am the next day, then from 4pm til 7pm that same night......

Anyway,
going to kick the Big A off his 'bangity, bang bang' game (some sort of online battle type thing, all very important and serious....o.k.....if you say so!)
and we can go to bed......at a half decent time....

.......since I can't sleep in for too long in the morning, and didn't this morning (swag of visitors who kindly let me know last night rather than catch me in bed or in my dressing gown!), and I need to sleep in one morning over the weekend, I'm not lazy it's just the only way I can get through the week....maybe when the stress level dissipate I won't need to....

G
xx