So Anyway....

I rang for Possums blood test results today,
the receptionist said 'the doctor would like to discuss the results with me/us'.

That's fine - if I could get a bloody appointment.
I rang last Tuesday intending on making 2 appointments, one for each son.
The next possible appointment at that stage was next Thursday at 2.30pm - no good for Possum so made it for Small Man.

When I asked to make an appointment today to do the discussing of tests there wasn't one until the week after next!
So I will attempt the old 'ringing up at 8.30am' thing Monday and Tuesday to try and get an appointment.

Possum woke up with the flu this morning.
He has taken today off school, tonight and tomorrow off work...and we'll see about Sunday.
I figure with the way this flu has been going he'll either be much better, or worse within 48 hours.....

It seems I spoke too soon, my head feels terrible today also - I struggled to get up this morning - it feels like the flu coming back to me, which I heard is happening a bit with people.
Great.
Oh well, the house is still in fairly good shape from Tuesday/Wednesday so I can rest a bit today.

The news of the work changes has almost reached all of the other managers now - I have been overwhelmed by the support I have received - one manager (who is not even part of my team) sent me a message while I was on the road yesterday to ask how I was with it all, and offered me some of his area if it would help.
That's just an amazing gesture ~ wow!
He didn't have to do that at all, we really are a caring group that's for sure.

Meanwhile the lower than scum previous GM that ran our company into the ground (specifically so that he could then buy it cheap) has heard what is going on and is contacting others in the same position I currently hold - and offering them jobs with him!!!
His plans failed and he was forced to start his own company - when he left he took all of our information, contact details etc etc.

Oooohhh I HOPE he rings me - I have a piece of my mind just waiting for him.
For one thing I made him aware of the fact (twice) that I was being harassed by one of his managers , and he did nothing about it - so why would I want to go and work for him?
And he is clearly a very dishonest person - so no thanks - I'd rather go down with the ship I'm on.
If nothing else I am 100% loyal.

G
xx

Still Here...

Yes, still here....

Meeting, dinner and 'huge hews disclosure' went fairly well last night - as far as the food went anyway.

I was dreading the whole thing, as you know.
Probably because once they knew, that's it - it's happening.

GX (one of my managers) was totally bamboozled by the new structure - especially as to how it will work for him.
PB already knew - I told him last week - so he was prepped to help explain it all - I don't think having both of them in complete shock would work too well.

PB has been very supportive, he knows the impact of this on me and is trying to help as much as possible - he immediately suggested that I should 'take some of mine' - his area.
GX was told last night that he will need to give some of his to me - but I don't think it's sunken in.
I did have to leave the room when my boss was explaining that they would be no longer under my 'umbrella' - that was a bit hard to take.

So now I have the news to share with one other manager - and it's not good for her. She won't qualify and will have to come back under me, for less commission.

Gee I made one of the nicest lasagne's I've possibly ever cooked though!
I cooked everything Monday night - until the wee hours of Tuesday morning.
A chicken curry that they all raved about - I made up the recipe - I'll be making it again I think :)
And some apple crumble for dessert.
I made extra of each so that I won't have to cook tonight...yay!

I was well and truly ready for bed at 10.30pm - having only had 5 hours sleep the night before.

Today I have felt really, really good.
I'm not sure if it's just that the house is clean and tidy, that last night is now behind me or maybe a combination of both - but gee I have caught up on some small jobs and errands that I've been putting off/haven't had time for - and I have packed my order already which is quite early...

If only I could feel this switched on every day life would be a breeze!

No test results for Possum as yet - I have doubled the iron I am giving him and he seems to have picked up in the last 48 hours - I will ring for the results Friday.
The fact that they haven't called me must be a good sign.

So I'm off now to chill out until Big A gets home,
busy day again tomorrow,

G
xx

p.s. Oh and I've lost almost 4kg.... :)

The new 'Do

Not the best quality photos - the lighting wasn't bright enough - but when do you see teenage boys in the daylight? *chuckle*

He was in the middle of an animated discussion with his brother over GTA4 or whatever it's called - some of the expressions I captured were hilarious!

He looks very different with his hair short - I'm still getting used to it - I like that we are now able to see what he looks like - but I do miss the curls!

I have no idea why my words are being underlined!!!

I can't find a solution to this!!!!

G
xx

FIREWORKS!

Indeed there were!

Some favourite photos of Z16 and Small Man - and a few random fireworks from 'Cracker Night' Saturday Night...

I took the boys up to 'The Lakes' to Mums shack.
It was a freezing night, as it always is up there.
They had a ball!
Big A had to work night shift for the weekend - so I loaded up with explosives, coke and pumpkin soup and up we trekked!

A good night - SF had to spoil it later of course - more on that later.

I think I'm still thawing out!

G
xx

Letter To The Opinionated....

To Whom It May Concern....

Thanks so much for trying to make me feel like a bad mother and doubt my decisions.

Don't think I can't read the looks you sometimes try and hide.

Thanks for all of the judgement and the sarcastic comments.

Thanks for thinking you can lecture or pressure my boys into your idea of 'the perfect child'.

For the raised eyebrows and murmurs over their (in your opinion) fussiness, stubbornness and lack of discipline....

For making comments about Z16 when he was little that he just needed a 'good smack' - even though I told you something was wrong - but at that stage I didn't know what it was - and that smacking him made him worse...

For making me feel worse for medicating - NO it is NOT the easy way out - in fact I wear a ring on my finger to remind me (as if I'd forget) how soul destroying that decision was.....
I don't seem to hear now about how wonderfully it has all worked out -
with the bare minimum of medication SAVING Z16's self esteem.
And no, he was never medicated on weekends.
It is because of people like you that we had to medicate him - for acceptance into the 'REAL' world - not the environment that I create for him, where he is accepted no matter what, and loved no matter what.

For lecturing Small Man on his eating habits and telling him he shouldn't be so difficult, shouldn't make things hard for me by eating different food to everyone else, and that he should eat what everyone else eats - even when I've told you repeatedly that this isn't his choice, that there is something wrong - I just didn't know what it was - until now.

For telling me I am making my boys 'lazy' by remembering the little things they can't remember for themselves - because constantly forgetting little things damages the self esteem and the will to try - I know - I've been there.

For those that shrug their heads and say "I don't know how you cope - I couldn't do it" - it comes across, from some people, as nasty. Guess what? I don't know any different - this IS NORMAL for me.

And to the doctors that look at me like I over feed Small Man - bite me.
And to the doctors that wanted to come up and put locks on the food cupboards - you can bite me too - and get back to school and re-do your psychology - anyone with half a brain knows that is SO WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS - I'm not even going to explain it.

And for all of the above - before you go judging me or my family - have a GOOD HARD LOOK at yourself.


Thanks for making it harder,

G.

***********************************************************

O.K. I feel better now. this has been brewing all day.
I mentioned to my doctor the other day I felt that both boys are on the Autism Spectrum - and he agreed.
I happened upon a blog, from the lovely Maddy last night.

My jaw hit the keyboard when I read about food neophobia - it was a piece of the puzzle with both of my boys that didn't fit - neophobia is a fear of new things - and with food it is fear of new food.
It explained SO much.
I spoke with Z16 about it today - and said I believe 100% that Small Man has/had this - he said "I have it too Mum". Small Man also fears new situations and change to an extent.
I then looked into other aspects of Autism that relate to my boys.
Dysgraphia - comes in different forms but is basically a big problem with handwriting. Affects both.
Delayed speech or problems with speaking/sounds. Affected both - both had speech therapy - Small Man spoke with an 'accent' until he was around 8. I still hear it slightly. Z16 speaks with a relatively 'flat' tone in his voice.

These are just a very few that 'fit' - Z16 has grown out of a lot of his mannerisms and funny little ways - he was always ultra sensitive to sudden noise, fabric, bright light, smell.
Small Man is sensitive to smell, and has a remarkable perception of others feelings - especially towards him (which is more non-autistic).

Z16 appears oblivious to others feelings, and is very black and white - says exactly what he thinks - but is slightly more subtle than when he was younger - at school he would always say just what everyone else was thinking but were too polite to say!

Z16 doesn't seek out the company of others (doesn't ring unless prompted etc), but responds to messages/accepts invitations when offered.
Small Man was far more sociable - but the chronic fatigue makes it nearly impossible for him to maintain friendships at the moment.

Both are gifted in maths and computers.
Z16 demonstrated a precocious ability to read and for numbers early (he was counting backwards from 100 at age 2.5 and could read at age four (mostly self taught so that he could work the computer!) - he achieved a score in the top 5 percentile for the state in a literacy and numeracy test in Grade 5.
He won a statewide award for a poem he wrote in Grade 5 also.
He scored all level 5 (pre tertiary) A's for maths in Grade 10.

Small Man managed to pass grade 7 - despite only attending for around two or three weeks in total.
So I guess they are above average.

My new found information has given me a bit of closure on some old wounds of the past.
I didn't realise I had bottled up so much anger and hurt over this - until I received a phone call tonight that triggered it - and out it came!
Better out than in and all that!

G
xx

...Change is Upon Us!!

Big A

IS

returning to shift work

Oh yay!!!

And this time he IS

As apposed to the other times when it was dangled in front of us - then snatched away!
We even know which 'colour' shift he'll be on (there are four shifts red, white, green and blue) - what he'll be doing and who he will be working with....starting on May 5th - or 3rd - not sure on that bit...

Oh yay!!

It won't be anywhere near as hard settling back into shift work as it was converting to day work - it took me well over 6 months - and I hated it - and still do a bit.
This will make things so much easier for me with work too - knowing that he will be home during the week will mean far greater flexibility for me with Small Man on days that I have to go out of the house to work.

The pay rise is pretty tidy too....
Actually a lot tidy.....

*breathes a massive sigh of relief*

Which was our aim for the apprenticeship when we decided he should go for it...
It has cost us approx $50,000 in reduced wages for him to do it (lost shift allowance over four years).
We have 'managed' - just.
It's true what they say - poverty is not lack of money - it's lack of hope.
There was always the light at the end of the tunnel that this wasn't permanent.
The budgeting skills we have learnt are priceless though.
It will be good not having to struggle, we struggled majorly when we were young and first had Z16 - we had nothing - and I mean nothing - except each other - which was awesome..
Big A was driving a cab!

A month or so after my father died Big A applied to work at RT - got the job and things were much better for some time.
The job he was doing was a no-brainer (no offence to anyone else doing the job they have my up most respect, it's a good job, well paid but Big A was getting bored, down and 'over it') - and Big A is easily bored and needs a challenge - the fact that he has excelled in his apprenticeship doesn't surprise me one little bit!!

See, I can write about good stuff happening,
just had to wait for some good stuff to happen that's all!!!

Thank you to EVERYONE that has supported me through the final leg of this journey.
Your comments on this, my job, and Small Man have truly pulled me through.
Just think, when Small Man is better and certain Almighty people resign.... I'll have nothing to write about!!!

Unless I take up macramé of course - I can then enthrall my readers for HOURS with macramé tales.......

G
xx

~Bed Time Soon~

One of those weekends....

A quiet one (aren't they all these days for me), mostly slow, punctuated by moments of tension and stress.

A work related phone call today that threw me right off track.....and made me extremely angry!!!
I won't go into detail because A: It's totally boring and B: I'm being careful what I write as far as work goes...just in case. This was the second phone call of it's type I received over the weekend - not good.

Let's just say another promise that hasn't been followed through.....
and guess who has to 'make it all right' with upset people trying to get on with their jobs......

Mum and SF came to visit yesterday - hadn't seen them for a few weeks.
I was in an unwashed/unbrushed state - I'm sure Mum didn't care!
Yesterday was "I don't have to go out anywhere so I can't be stuffed having a shower and I'm doing lots of housework" day - you know the ones!

Big A was home earlier than expected today, fishing cancelled due to the inclement weather.
It was freezing last night, I even lit the fire!

Z16 worked from 6pm - 11pm today - had yesterday off - much sleep involved!

Tackled the supermarket again - have found another one I'm o.k. in for at least 30mins - the layout is a bit odd though so it takes longer. Another victory against my agoraphobic tendencies!

I worked from 7.30pm - 9.30pm tonight tidying up the many loose ends with a 'SD' as they had a resignation during the week and there was much to be done with undelivered orders, area to be re-assigned, stock returns to be updated, orders placed etc.
I preferred to sort it out tonight, as 'SD' has to work at his other job tomorrow.
At least the week is starting with a clean slate.
Everyone is organised.
Amazing how I can organise other people...but when it comes to myself...well.......you know...

Late start for Z16 tomorrow - free 'line' at College Monday mornings, so no rush.
Small Man is seeing the Paediatrician at 2.20pm - I will be interested to hear his thoughts on our appointment with the Professor.....

G
xx

No rest for the...wicked?

HAPPY EASTER!

So much for resting this morning.

Kept going last night on the washing and stuff til after midnight so there wouldn't be a lot to do this morning.

Did my Easter Bunny duties - finally went to bed around 1.30am.

Didn't sleep well.

Phone rang at 9am.

Yes it was the whopper factory, wanting Z16 to work - TODAY.
Jeez - I haven't even washed his uniform yet!!
Sure if he'd been rostered on I would have washed it last night, but thought I might be a bit selfish and wash some other stuff first - shame on me!

He worked Wednesday night, school Thursday, worked Friday night, then 8 1/2 hours yesterday, then works Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday.
Not full days but still, he's meant to be on holidays.

I am afraid he will get run down.
I already have one child with CFS I don't think I need another one.

Me? I feel like crap this morning. Partially self inflicted, I ate the ears of a choc bunny, and for some reason feel gross now. I do eat chocolate, but only a few pieces at a time.
Blergh - bunny can stay in the fridge for a while! Must wake up - charge up and get my bum in gear for today - soon.....!

To top it off Big A's parents rang - I need bloody caller i.d. on the home number!!!!
MIL spoke to the boys, then FIL spoke to them.
I could tell it was MIL on the phone with Small Man, because of his snappy short answers.

And do you know what that BITCH said to him:
"What are you doing?"
Small Man: "Not feeling the best, lying on the couch"
FBMIL "Why don't you take the dog for a walk? Go and get some exercise"
ME (to myself) "Why don't YOU go F*#K yourself and mind your own friggen business"

They are sulking - because she had an operation on her hand Wednesday - and we didn't ring. Guess what - you have to be decent parents and a non alcoholic/abusive/selfish mother to get those sort of phone calls - the rest you get for Christmas etc is out of politeness and nothing else. If she thinks she's going to start her nagging/controlling/nasty/bitchy mothering on my kids she can think again.
So then I get him on the phone.....oh she's gone back to bed....boo hoo....she's just cracked the shits and doesn't want to talk to me....good cos I have nothing to say.
Sounds harsh? - I'm still dealing with the 'mistakes' she made as a mother, and none of them small or remotely acceptable - and yet she still has these 'expectations' - piss off.

You can pick your friends....

So - that feels better!
They get under my skin SO much - I can't imagine how the Big A feels at times......

So to feel better I rang my Grandma.
She's awesome.
Filled her in on all the goss, I can and do tell her everything.
It's nice not to have to be guarded in your conversation.
Pop got on the phone, and told me how thrilled he was to see Small Man and I the other week (THAT trip to Hobart). Small Man and Pop had a huge conversation inside while Grandma and I went out the back to 'check the garden' (have a smoke).
Pop said he asked Small Mans opinion on a few things, and the answers he received he wouldn't expect from the average 18 year old - let alone a 13 year old.
They really hit it off those two.
Must take Small Man down again, even if just for the day - now that I've done it once I can do it again!

Hope everyone has a nice day,

G
xx

Achievements.....or not!

Well, I've had a relatively unproductive day!

Although I did make an excellent purchase from Overstock - a fabbo cordless steam iron - with the free postage offer they have running over the weekend it cost me a whole $23.00 - good times there to be had with the ironing and all that - crikeys anyone would think that I actually IRON!

Big A left for his fishing trip mid afternoon. That prompted a bit of an undie/t-shirt hunt in the clean washing pile - told you I don't usually iron!

Z16 went to work at 6pm.
Small Man wangled his way into getting Spicy chicken baguettes from HJ's for his tea - with a coupon for Country chicken baguettes - not usually allowed to exchange coupon items but he has the gift of the gab that child - may make a good politician one day!
Plus the baguettes are a healthy choice for him which is also good.

Stopped in at the extremely busy 24 hour 365 days a year shop to grab a few things.....then drove past the 'not quite as expensive' IGA to find that was open today too - DOH!

Made some scrummy fish chowder for me, myself and I for tea.
Will feed me for the next few days actually! Used some flake from the previous fishing trip - rather nice!

Trying to keep myself wide awake and alert to collect Z16 at 11pm tonight- which will no doubt stretch to 11.30pm as it seems to do often. He is working again tomorrow - a big shift - midday til 8.30pm. I miss him when he's away - funny boy.

Thinking of Toni lots at the moment,
such a courageous and strong lady (and gorgeous too!)
going through so much at the moment when she deserves so much more happiness in her life than what she's had.
Hard to see a friend in pain - and try and be there, but know they need a lot of space too.
Roll on Tuesday my friend xx

I plan far more activity for tomorrow -
Catalogues to drop - yes, I'm getting out there again, has been a while! must help the team this week - I think I lost my confidence there for a little while.

Someone made mention of one low week in sales that we had last week WHOOPY DO!
Ya get that - especially when you have one out with the flu, one with a bad back, one that's putting 2 or 3 weeks worth of orders together and putting them in together, one that went around his area in 3 weeks (we aim for 5 weeks) and so skipped a week, and another whose car broke down. That's minus 5 ordering - gee I reckon that may just affect our sales a little - DERR!


It may be the biggest Easter Egg hunt of all time - trying to find any that is!!!!
Should be fine - I'm sure!

Bye for now,

G
xx

Some Answers

Today looked like:

Work call early

Take Z16 to college

Come home and feed Small Man

Tidy up kitchen

Stuffing around on computer, blog hopping etc

Work call again

Work email

Washing

Shower

Go and pick up Z16 from college at 12.30pm

Delivery of fish to PB for Good Friday

Stuff around on computer again - work/email stuff

Work phone calls x 2

Go to GP appointment with both boys:

Z16 is to be referred to Paediatrician for future prescriptions - yay - don't have to go through hospital - all is well with him - no need to change meds - maybe look at adjusting the timing of doses.
The emergency dept Doc had written a nice letter about our 'situation' the other week......but they hadn't sent the blood test results....

Small Man has a rash on the back of his head - can't remember what it is but at least it's fixable.
Toe may need a local anaesthetic and cutting toenail out a bit - that'll be something to look forward to - but not at the moment - it's still infected.

The main news is that the mystery appointment we have at the specialist clinic on the 28th is actually with the Professor from the Royal Childrens Hospital and is to do with the lap band......I read the referral letter (GP had a copy) - sounds good......

Got home from all of that:

Work messages/calls x 8.......not kidding....'reporting day' and hardly anyone knew what their teams stats were....so I rang them myself - nice to catch up for a chat anyway.
This is a new report thing we are doing...some are having trouble with it, they don't all have the same confidence level to ask direct questions....so we are working on that.
I have to speak with someone you all know every Friday and report on 'stuff' so that's the last phone call of the day - such joy!
Went o.k. today, we were in a good mood it seems - must have got lucky or something HA!

So it was after 6pm and tea wasn't cooked - so it was a rushed affair that was nice in the end. Z16 is eating a bit much junk for my liking so gave him a good feed of chicken fillet and vegies.

Big A is off fishing for the weekend - yes again! It's fishing season!
I don't mind at all.
My thoughts on this are - I'd rather him go fishing, than be sitting here WISHING he could go fishing.
That'd lead to resentment on both sides.
I've had a few "Fishing, AGAIN???" comments from friends that are more, how can I say, in charge of their hubbies spare time.
It's just not me, it doesn't worry me so why would it worry them?
People can sure be weird!

Anyhoo......
Must go and think about the lack of Easter Eggs purchased - oops!
It'll be fine - I'll get them Saturday!!!!

G
xx

P.S. I am SO sleeping in tomorrow!

Update

Big A has passed one section of the theory part of his exam - 2 yet to be marked.
He is a little concerned about one small part of this mornings practical exam - but one of the other guys doing the test made the same error, which is a 'small' oversight apparently....so we'll see - worst comes to worst he'll repeat the practical test in four weeks time - no biggie.

A strange letter was in the letterbox when I came home.
From the hospital.
It says that Small Man has an appointment to see the paediatric endocrinologist at the hospital on the 28th March.
Would've been good if I knew there was an appointment being made - but still, it has been made for a reason - must have had something to do with his last lot of blood tests.

I did say I would find something out or get a direction based on his health on the 19th!
Maybe this is 'it' - or will help us towards our goal of getting him well - however that may be.

He really enjoyed school yesterday afternoon, but went in a heap last night and hasn't moved much today. It's heart breaking. Especially driving around and seeing other boys his age out riding their bikes and 'hanging out' together.
That will be Small Man soon. That was Small Man before all of this......


Z16 working from 4pm (straight from school) til 9.30pm - they rostered him on for tomorrow - uh nuh - it's a school day peoples!
He rang and told them so they offered him this shift - he wanted to do it but he's tired - hope he goes o.k.
He can be quite stoic in nature, so I have to rely on asking him indirect questions to 'get' how he's going.
He has another 16 hours over the weekend....I'm so proud of him though......and it helps feed his 'game consoles that need games' addiction!

G
xx

Tomorrow is...

My card for tomorrow.....

THE big day....

For Big A that is....

First day of his final exams.....

The culmination of four years work......decided in two days!

We won't get the result for a few weeks.

He'll be fine, I have every faith in his ability to pass this test first go......

Even though the first attempt pass rate is only 10%.....

He has achieved top of his class many times,
and won Apprentice of the year every year........

~*~

Nintendo WII is fun!

Z16 purchased one today,
parting with some hard earned cash........

......it's exercise without you realising it! Ha ha!

lots of sweating when its 32 degrees too!


~*~
Managed to escape to the op-shop for an hour this afternoon,
wasn't quite long enough but it was good anyway. Even though it was very hot in there, and there was some funky B.O. going on.......(no, not mine!!!)......

No aggravating phone calls or emails today - phew.....

G
xx

What to say...

Well....

A very up and down week for me.

It feels like I have been taking very small steps just in case the ground suddenly falls away in front of me....

Thursday ended up frantic

SD's orders were two days late arriving - by orders I mean around 10 BIG cartons full of products each to be broken down and packed to individual distributors - one distributor might have 30 - 70 items - and it has to be 'right'

Not good when you have distributors waiting to collect their orders to pack and prepare to deliver to their customers (and often delivery to customer day is Thursday - oops)

So Thursday afternoon was spent helping PB pack his order and meet with his team (which is always great, I offered some pointers on different things - they got it - and went away very motivated - excellent!)
Thursday late afternoon - early evening was spent packing TW's order, then delivering an order to my 'number one' distributor - not number one cos she's my favourite - number one because she started when I did, and moved over to my team when started as manager.

This was really great for me, she (SM) is 72 years old, has worked virtually every week since she started and has 'it' - she knows the drill it's something you can't teach and is invaluable in this business. She is also very easy to spend time with, and extremely loyal. Being a mother of 8 and grandmother to many she also pulls out the Grandma card on me sometimes!
I remember her telling me I looked like I needed 'a good feed', and that she was worried about my weight a few years ago - no chance of that now - but back then maybe she had a point - at 54 kilos (I'm currently 74kg)
SM is a great example of why I've fought so hard to stay in this job and put up with so much.

Friday I receive the dreaded weekly call.
This came early 2.30pm- SHE was supposed to ring me last - around 5pm - oh but she had trivial shit to throw - so lets get in early and enjoy ourselves with it.

Nothing worth repeating, but 'issues' to do with the courier relating to my guys she had great pleasure in telling me about (as it was negative - psycho).
Also another agreement from 'GA' that head office received that hadn't been filled in 'correctly' in actual fact she hadn't advised us not to use that agreement any longer, and that it needed to be printed off the web.....so who's not training who? Not to mention the fact that English is the guys second language, I think he does a brilliant job.

Some of the old tone came back in - not much but enough to piss me off.
What's it been, a whole week - well done ya loser.

BBB is KIDDING himself if he thinks she'll change - I know it won't happen - the team knows it won't happen - does SHE really think it will happen - kidding yourself love.

I've been/felt very drained/negative/slow/un-enthused/fat/unmotivated (except for Thursday) and basically a pain in the ass.

I felt quite agoraphobic for most of the week too - and so Friday night had to FORCE myself to go to the supermarket - it was quite crappy - the fluoro lights did my head in, but I kept going anyway or we may just starve!

I even got to the stage through the week of thinking about people that are no longer in my life (thank god) and reminiscing over how much they pissed me off/hurt me/hurt my family - very sad individual - usually I wouldn't care to think twice about them.

I recognise all of these signs....
I know what it means....

Waking up crying AGAIN Saturday morning.........

But then - today felt better,
I managed to get up and dressed at a reasonable time,
caught up on heaps of little jobs around here....
We went out for tea with PB and kids tonight to somewhere different.

The kids were neither here nor there, we only had Small Man with us - poor old Z16 at work and missed the night - again....
PB and the Big A loved it and want to go again (mind you they started having a 'few' beers here at 1pm - and we went out at 6.30pm so anywhere may have looked good - haw haw!).

One of the band played guitar for Aussie Crawl so he was pretty good,
Big A and PB were - eh - the loudest in the place clapping and cheering, so the guitarist came over and introduced himself and had a chat with them.....they were most impressed!

Anyway - tomorrow's another day - I hope I wake up in a 'make of it what I can' mood - I'm trying to kick this shit as hard as I can. And if that doesn't work I'll go see the doc.

G
xx

Thoughts Gathered

George and I had a lovely big sleep

He's still draped over my bed

It's a cats life!

I have woken feeling much clearer in my thoughts - and the idea of getting through the day isn't daunting as it was yesterday.

I ended up with a cracking migraine last night - which explains a bit.

Z16 worked until Midnight - but it was nearly 12.30am by the time he clocked off.

It's a beautiful day here, sunny with a nice breeze - handy when your washing has been neglected and your son is down to two pairs of jeans...both of which need washing and take ages to dry!

I have saved 5 listings to upload to eBay tonight....I have saved up a few draw card items for 'emergencies' and have a huge stack of clothes that need to go....some good brands amongst it all - Alannah Hill, Cooper Street, Nike etc

It will be nice to bolster the paypal account a little (or at all!) - I have been looking but not buying much - aside from some Diesel Green deodorant for Z16 - it's his smell - it's gorgeous - I have been buying it for him since he was 13/14 - one stick or can lasts him 6 months - so $17.00 isn't really extravagant. I have also found cologne and body wash to match. It's getting hard to find, so usually comes from eBay UK.
I also score Diesel t-shirts and jeans where I can - I found a genuine pair at the op-shop - they were still running dye when I bought them, and had that "I'm brand new" feel - they had been altered and I'm guessing they were too short after the alteration - perfect for him though.

Anyway,
I'm off to make myself useful!

Enjoy your day,

G
xx

Just in case this hasn't been enough...

I have just come home from 4 and 1/2 hours at the Accident and Emergency....

With Z16.....

He accidentally took his anti-anxiety tablets this morning, then realised he shouldn't have, so took the ADD medication on top of it - so he'd taken 200mg of his anti-anxiety in 12 hours (he's supposed to take it at night time).

I rang the doctors surgery and was told to take him straight down to A&E because they'd need to monitor his heart/blood pressure.

So I bundled a reasonably doped young man into the car and checked him in to the hospital.

They did an ECG on arrival, blood and urine tests.

Noticing my obvious distress they have arranged for me to see someone to discuss things with if I want.

Any other time I may have handled it better.

I know that if I wasn't under so much pressure in all directions I would have watched/supervised him more closely.

The one positive is that they have made sure he WILL see the child psychiatrist at the local children's health centre to have his medication reviewed.

Oh and a $35 parking fine when I got back to the car to top it off.....

We have been getting by with our GP but he is limited, and it all falls back on me going with my own instincts as to reducing his dose etc. Naturally I always ask the Doc first, but he basically has to rely on my observations.

No new from the Big Big Boss,
just a few nit picky emails from HER - she tried to ring before - I didn't answer it....far too busy doing a crap job of everything to talk on the phone...

Hope everyone is is having a better day,

G
xxx

The Dam Bursts

Went out for a nice dinner to the Casino last night with my brother and his little girl, PB and his children.

The kids had a ball!

They were very pumped, I took Small Man and PB's kids to pick Z16 up from work, and to get an ice cream.

They were all quite hyper and in good spirits.

PB and kids came back here and we were entertained by guitar hero and some animated conversation.

Small Man was having a great night, conversation turned to the Big A, and his karate training.

Someone bought up how he was practising one day and Small Man walked straight into one of his kicks.

At the time Big A was terribly upset. It was an accident. Small Man seems to feel that Big A wasn't sorry about it. It was 5 - 6 years ago.

Z16 and Bradley (PB's son) were laughing about it, Small Man became very angry.
They kept laughing, mostly because Small Man was glaring at Big A - giving him 'the death stare' as they called it.

One thing led to another and Small Man burst into tears.

Poor little man, he was so enraged and sad.

Big A tried to talk to him and he wouldn't respond and just got madder.
I left him, as is always best when he's in a rage, he will talk when he calms down.

PB tried to talk to him and he wouldn't say much - except that it wasn't Dad that he was upset about.

PB and kids left, we had a chat outside and PB reminded Big A just what Small Man has been through over the last two years, and the last week especially.
And that as he hasn't reacted much yet it may be a good thing, for him to get it all out. Sometimes when you're this close you can forget what it's like for him on a daily basis - which Big A does.

Big A went to try and talk to him again, gently and carefully - still not much response just a lot of tears.

He finally came to me, which I knew he would, and let me comfort him.

He said "It's just that I'm dealing with so much Mum"

I know.

Oh boy don't I know.

He's better today.

I'm not really - overwhelmed, over stressed, sick of fighting, sick of waiting.

Tomorrow's another day.

Thank heavens for terrific friends that come and ignore my grotty floor,
and friends that point things out that go over better when they say them!

G
xx

House Full Of Boys!!!

But you'd never know it!
They were in bed at 11pm!!!
I was expecting a big night, with two extra 16 year olds staying over, one hasn't stayed with us before.....
Two have to work tomorrow, and already know it's not much fun working after a big night.
They do have a dvd going in Z16's room, but it's all very quiet!

I made up for yesterdays lack of effort - by pulling everything out of our computer room, sorting it, and puting it back. 3 boxes full of rubbish (broken headphones, scratched discs, old papers etc). All is left is to vacum it - was too hot this afternoon by the time I'd finished.

Managed all of this whilst the Big A was at a mates place fixing his computer...
Then proceeded to sort out Z16's room, not quite as drastically, but then it didn't need that much doing.

Grandma coming tomorrow! Yay! At least Z16's room is presentable for her, not that she'd care!
We are doing the garage Saturday - oh joy! there is a lot to get rid of out there.
I get stuck with all of the packaging from writing off SD's damaged stock - her majesty won't take it, I have to tip it out of the boxes for her.

Workwise we are off to a slow start for the year, with only one SD out of five placing a team order last week - uh oh! Good old PB - his team had some good sales, dispelling the myth that this is a 'bad time of year' for us - fiddlesticks!!!!

I'm all for people taking a break, for sure.
I am more understanding and patient than most, especially with illness - but when we get people taking a month off, from a maximum ten hour per week job, beacuse they 'need a break' well I get a bit 'disappointed'. We are all paid by commission, don't work = don't get paid - simple stuff!
Personally I have barely had more than five straight days 'OFF' (off being no phone calls, no email/stats checking, no sms msg's) in the last ten years. I consider the few hours per day when I'm not doing these things 'time off' - and I'm available virtually 24hrs per day 7 days per week. Not because I'm a workaholic, or a control freak - it just works out that way.

SHE is coming up Monday *sigh* - I'm trying a new strategie - every time I think of her I laugh to myself - so I don't let her get to me. Seems to be working, was avoiding her phone calls, letting msg bank get them, then decided today "Nah stuff ya" (in my usual most eloquent way of thinking!) and rang her back.
I'm calling the shots now love!!!

G
xx

Lap Bands, Lap Tops...but no Lap Dancing!

Glad I crack myself up!

Yes, I am with Lap Top.
Got a good deal on a very long interest free period....VERY! Or I wouldn't have agreed to it.
It is for me, and it will be very handy for work, but not absolutely necessary.
I suppose I'm too modest at times, don't want for much.

So I'm sitting at the dining table writing this, watching tv at the same time - how fab!

I have an appointment for Small Man to see lap band surgeon on the 19th February, in Hobart. It was the earliest appointment.
Need to raise the gap fee, but we'll manage. The whole op costs $10,000!!!!
Glad we kept up the private health to be sure.

There has been much on the news in the last few days about teenagers and lap band surgery, apparantley the government has been asked to fund free lap bands for teenagers that meet the criteria. At least someone agrees with me that this is a good preventative measure.

Am slowly spring cleaning the house, trying to do a cupboard a day or something similar, in preparation for the big visit from the in laws and a party for mother in laws 60th birthday in February *sigh* there is much to be done around here, things seemed to have slipped a bit with Small Man at home. Nothing major, but I know it hasn't been done....
Plus I'm the worlds biggest hoarder which doesn't help!
The garden, well, what to say about that - I just don't know where to start!!!!
Didn't get any extra done today so am a bit disappointed in myself - tsk tsk to me!
A bit distracted by the lap top buying/setting up!

Grandma is coming to stay from Friday to Tuesday, so we should get a bit of gardening done between us. Have to avoid too much sun with the Lupus (is supposed to flare it up). I seem to have more energy later in the day too, so do more then!

Have had lots of messages from NM over the last week or so, has been good to re-connect, I'm accepting it all slowly.
I have always had a wall with people, some it takes a long time to let down, sometimes they can think I have let it down, but I haven't really.
I don't plan to be this way, I think it's another adoptee reflex.
I have a friend that was adopted too and she is the same.
Except with our kids! Never with our kids! It was amazing to just open my heart completely to another person, two of them actually!

Life's weird eh!
Something I heard Oprah say the other day, she may say this often I don't know I don't watch that much, but it went something like......

Holding onto negatives from your past is like taking a poison and wishing for someone else to die - you are only hurting yourself.

Think she's onto something there! Very profound, it's been going through my mind since I heard it.

G
xxx

My 100th Blog!

Adding my two favourite recent photos to celebrate!