~~~WhiRLwiND~~~~

Just a quick fly by in between loads of washing and polishing of random objects around the house!

They will be here tomorrow - GOODY.

Big A's mother has already been on the phone cracking the shits. I can see this is going to be a fun weekend.

I'm trying not to get resentful as I'm slaving away. I'm doing this for HIM not them.
They don't deserve a thing.
And there are many reasons behind my saying this.....but we won't talk about that now, let's just all act like it never happened, and that he had a happy childhood, normal upbringing etc - why not, that's what they do!!!!
He is of course a nervous wreck.
I'll fix him, he'll be o.k.
We've been through this every time they come here, we can do it again.


Sneezed a bit hard yesterday and my rib went 'pop' - now I can barely lift my left arm - and my rib is worse - Oh Joy!!!!

G
xx

Motivation...where are you??!

Still so much to do........

Running out of time......

Pain is wearing out it's Welcome....actually was never Welcome.

Still the same old catch 22 like everything in my life, take the pills to sleep and sleep hard on it, wake up in more pain....Don't take the pills and wake up every time you turn over.........whinge whinge.

Managed to stain the outdoor setting, and clean the vertical blinds in between trips to and from work with Z16, washing, and milo tin preparation.

Small Man and I are making sort of tea light holders, out of empty milo tins (and I have HEAPS OF EM!). We have drilled holes into the front of the tin to make a pattern (each one is different) and also in the lid, so far we have done 7 - and painted them a 'washed' white - which is what ceiling white paint looks like on milo tins! I will put a little sand in the bottom of these, and with some citronella candles burning inside they should look o.k. I think. Maybe string a few up in the trees, or just plonk them around the garden, to hide the spots where there are no plants!!!

The garden isn't in this state because I can't be bothered doing it, there is one little blue heeler Zara that apparently likes to garden, and follows me around pulling the plants back out that I have just put in - or sometimes, even worse, waits til I've finished then rips them out and chews them up.
A watering system that I spent days putting in was cheerfully pulled out and chewed up. Even just watering the garden is a hassle, so I'm waiting for her to grow out of it a bit. I find it too disheartening to put so much work into the garden, only to have it destroyed. And the waste of money, which we haven't got at the moment.
Zara is going to stay at PB's house for the night of the party, he has a jack russell 'Diesel' who is like the energizer bunny on speed!

OOOh - OLAY are giving away some total effects moisturiser, go to www.olay.com.au answer a few questions and they'll send you some - so they say! I'd say it would be limited, so go now if you want some!

Gee it'd be nice if my body could keep up with my mind - even if just for a few days!

G
xx

For whom the bell tolls

And at 5pm the bell did toll - to let me know certain people are on holidays for TWO WHOLE weeks, as of 5pm this afternoon - "Giggity, giggity, giggity!"

I can't believe how relieved I feel!

We have put in an almighty effort this week, with 6 new starters for our team (plus four for the other area), one definitely starting next week and I'm waiting on results for another.
It strikes me as very interesting, that every person that has called me has started except for one - the report I had was that she didn't have transport and sounded 'stoned' - fair call!

In the past I have been ripped to shreds over leads she has spoken to and passed on, that haven't started. Makes me wonder if it isn't that initial phone call that puts them off?
You have to know how to 'read' each caller, work out their motivation, and enthuse the caller from that angle....for example one lady said she was in it for the exercise, not the money. I explained what excellent motivation it can be, and gave her a few examples.
It's not hard. And it's not the time to start lecturing them either, I say we 'aim towards' this or our 'goal' is blah blah, not 'you will be expected to'.

Admittedly I was a bit nervous, and rusty, I haven't taken calls from ads in ages!! It has cured my phone-a-phobia somewhat though. And has given me a chance to connect with one of the other managers in Launceston, who I thought was fair up the Almighty's cracker - it seems not. I'm still careful what I say, answering any questions simply with the facts, not idle gossip - I sms Toni & Mary all of my conspiracy theories - and get some hilarious replies!

Gee wizz it's been a busy week, I feel like my own personal call centre, mobile and landline (both numbers) seem to be going continually!
Feeling slightly better, rib not so bad, cold not so bad - just trying to hold back from 'over doing' it. Oh but I want to!!!!!

It was very nice of the man at the post office to point out the massive herpe in the middle of my lip - thanks dude, probably wouldn't have known it was there if you didn't point it out!!!
Also he looked very strangely at my Rose Cottage pentagram - what did he think I was going to do, turn him into a toad!!! I wear it almost every day, because I love it, and feel kind of protected in it, like I have all of you gorgeous girls with me when I'm slightly freaking out about going into the shopping centre.

G
xx

Sleep??

Was going to go to bed earlier,
but there's no point!
I'm still not sleeping, despite the panadeine forte that I've had to persevere with (just won't take on an empty stomach again!).
Every time I turn over - BAM - and I'm awake.
Then by the following afternoon.....I'm stuffed....but can't get comfy to rest then either....and who could rest with 5 million phone calls in and out and my mobile going all day (work)....

Whinge whinge.......moan moan.

Add to all this a cracking cold sore, and a head that feels like a bucket of gravel......
and the in laws visit looming......

......and the starting college/back to high school (or not)....and how to organise the high school for small man, he'll be back for a week then off to Hobart to see the surgeon. I'm thinking if he can go for the first day, and then maybe try and get a few afternoons in before the 19th.....

Just need to get one thing sorted at a time I suppose. Stressing about it doesn't get it done!

Z16 has a mate staying tonight, they are being good quiet lads, which was the agreement, the Big A has to be up at 5am to go to work......
Z16's mate works at Banjos, and bought us a huge swag of cream buns, chocolate eclairs, cream lamingtons, croissants!
I ate a whole cream bun (minus the cream, it's sickly stuff!) and a whole croissant...TSK TSK.
I'd be lucky to eat one of each of those in a year, let alone in one night!
I just can't! The steroids I was taking a few years ago not only put weight on me (around 15 - 18kg), it seems to have slowed down my metabolism to a grinding halt.
Also eating that sort of stuff slows down the digestion to an equally grinding halt..TSK TSK !

Won't do that again for a looong time!

Oh well, better go and sit on the couch and think about sleep!

G
xx

Head Case? Head Cold!

So, after all that - turns out I was coming down with a cold, explains a bit.
Rib is still broken, but feeling a bit better today.
At least I can think, and function a bit better - yay!

Big A went fishing on the weekend and bought back some tuna, very nice indeed. He's going again in February, so hope for heaps more, then we can have it three times per week instead of trying to ration it out. It's so versatile, I don't get sick of it.

Advertising was a huge success, 8 leads already, 6 for my area - we never get such a great response, or at least haven't done in ages. I have been on the phone all day today getting it all to happen! Making sure team managers contact the leads, following up on progress etc

Only a week and a half to go before THEY arrive.
House is nowhere near ready - Big A has taken the day off before they arrive to help!

What a lovely afternoon I had Sunday, with a visit from my number one stalker and children! Having spent so much time emailing, sms'ing and talking on the phone I felt like we were old friends anyway!

G
xxx

My Card Today

The Four of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in recovery. Our mutual losses or experience deserve to be acknowledged or remembered with dignity, honor, and respect even as we regroup to move forward. I am willing to work on forgiveness and letting go of the past in order to find peace. It's time to give it a rest. I am empowered by stillness and my virtue is silence.

True!

Better

Better today.
Compared to last night it wouldn't be hard!

Definitely a lack of sleep/too much in my head situation.
Wasn't a nice feeling, haven't felt that low in so long, I can't actually remember feeling like that without something causing it - ever.

I was surprised by the lack of charge I had over it, and that I couldn't reason with myself.

No panadeine forte for me, ever again!

Sitting here sweating like mad with ringing ears - and it's raining outside.

Can't rest this afternoon cos I have a recruitment ad in the paper, and need to be coherent to take any calls!
Have had three calls so far, one for a different manager (not on my team) and two for one lucky manager!
Two new team members will be awesome, more would be majorly awesome!
The ads are running two per week for the next 6 weeks - should have a full team by the end of it!

G
xx

Sad Case

Feeling ridiculously and inexplicably sad tonight.

Think it's just the lack of sleep from constant pain (worse when lying down),

and trying to push myself,

and frustration over having yet another thing 'wrong' with me,

and yes we have long determined I always have something wrong with me - so no need to point that out!

and drugs that make me feel sick, so not taking them any more.

Maybe just needed a good cry,

so have done that....ummm didn't work.

Unlike me to feel sadness like this, doesn't happen that often,
I am usually a very optimistic person and laugh at myself often- and hard - I suppose everyone has their days.....


G
xx

Pity Party

Having just a little pity party for myself.
Feel very frustrated at the timing of this rib breaking episode.
I am sick of the pain every time I move and the drugs make me zonked out.

I am trying to tell myself it could be a hell of a lot worse, and at least it's temporary, but with all that I have on at the moment it seems enormous.
This f'ing birthday party we are having here needs a lot of preparation, as far as getting the garden tidier, house organised.
It's just to the point now where they'll have to accept it as it is.
Not that it's a disgrace, don't get me wrong but these people know what they're going to eat on every different day of the week, every week.
Their house is like a hospital, I am not joking or exaggerating.
Plus I know my poor man gets majorly stressed leading up to them coming. I
should just realise that nothing will be good enough and so too bad!
But I like to have a go - but it's for him not them.

Financially I need to be dropping books tomorrow so there's a little extra cash coming in two weeks. I'll try. Don't have to carry too many at once, Small Man will help me I think.
Big A aka Captain Pugwash going tuna fishing for the weekend, so a freezer full of Albacore will be lovely, and feed us for a while!!!!


Take care,
G
xx

BUSTED and broke!

Yep, my dodgy rib is broken.

Thought so....
have enough drugs to sink a ship,
or raise me out of bed at least....after knocking me out the night before.

Supposed to 'take it easy' for the next few weeks, takes another 3-4 weeks to heal
SURE
My pay went in today, 1/5 of what it usually is - knew it'd be a low one but not that low.

PLUS the impending arrival of the out-laws....yeah bet I'll be resting

G
xx

Grandma - less and dodgy ribs...

Grandma caught the bus home today.
I think she had a good rest from Pop, who is getting forgetful and demanding!
He had a relative come and stay with him and keep him company, so it was all good.

I've been cranky and short fused all day.
Been in pain for the last five days or more.
Think I've cracked a rib.
Probably did it whilst spring cleaning, must've leant over something the wrong way I don't know how I did it.
It canes though!
Will go get it checked if it's no better tomorrow *sigh*
A bit annoying when you can't breathe, get up or down, cough or sneeze without pain.

Whinge whinge.....could be worse, but could be better too.

Getting nervous about driving to Hobart by myself (with Small Man for his appt) ALREADY! I'm going to have to just get over this. Small Man is a calm little co-pilot. So will be fine. I'm just a nervous driver, when I have NFI where I'm going, or what lane to be in and stuff!
Amazing what you will do for your kids, family and people you love.

Just a thought on motherhood.
From my own personal experience, you don't need to give birth to be a mother (ask my mum!).
There are so many children waiting for foster care, some for adoption in Aus, but many for adoption overseas.
I think a motherless child is as sad & tragic as a childless mother.
I would actually consider overseas adoption before having another child myself - seriously.
The feeling of not being wanted is not one you can put into words, but the feeling that you were chosen is something else!

Just my thoughts,

G
xx

Quickly

A quick waffle before I go to bed....
with a cracking migraine.....

Big A has gone to collect Z16 from his toils at H.J.'s

Just caught up on my scrabble games

Had a nice day with Grandma, poking around the op shop, finding some treasures!
I did well, didn't spend much at all.
Bought a little heater for the bathroom, as one might in Summer (but then i always have been an 'out of season' shopper, even at the op shop! This will replace the big ghastly heater we have in there at the moment - and will add to Big A's load for the tip.

Grandma found two matching doona covers for her room (she has two single beds), and some shoes which are pretty trendy for an 85 year old!
Also grabbed a few clothes for the boys.

We had a quick lunch followed by the dreaded grocery shopping, but I made that quick too!

Have taken a load of photos for eBay, just have to get around to listing them now.
Have FAR too much here that needs selling.
Idiotic buyers put me off though (especially that last woman and the carry on over the country road shirt - P-U-H-Leeaaze!).
I'll get there.
Eventually.
I reckon.

Gotta go, my head is in a vice or something.

G
xx

Start slow, finish late!

Another one of these slow start, finish late type of days for me.
Must be the weather!

Grandma arrived safe and well.
Town was packed, had to park miles away from the bus terminal, the area for collecting people was full (no doubt to pick up non 85 year old Grandmothers). That's o.k. - have legs, will walk.
Although Grandma did have a bit of a nap on the couch a few hours later!

Another room done and sorted today, plus the BIG vacuum of the boys rooms (the whole thing, every vacuum - able area was done).
So am finally getting there.
The garage and pantry/kitchen cupboards to go - plus may even do the laundry (since I'm on such a big roll and all!). Am doing a shelf of the pantry at a time, by the time I get rid of all of the empty milo tins I have been saving to make tea light holders for mother in laws party, she'll be old mother hubbard in there for sure!!!
Parents in law have been on the phone driving the Big A nuts about the catering for the party etc etc. His father nags like an old woman at times.
He must miss it, I'm sure. Since I wasn't born with the ability to nag, or be nagged.
"Tell me ONCE or I'll forget it deliberately" is what I say!

I have decided that this year will run very smoothly, in comparison with last year.
Since I've decided this it will just have to happen now!!!!
At least I am starting off the year with:

Hope - for Small Man that his operation will be successful and he will return to a normal life soon.

Belief: in my ability to withstand endless criticism and to turn it back on people and basically not give a shit!

Pride: in my big boy Z16 for being such a beautiful boy & being accepted into his VET course in I.T. at college, for working so hard at H.J.'s for a fairly average rate of pay.

Anticipation & Relief: with Big A completing his apprenticeship in March/April and the possibility of him going back on shift work!!!! Double YAY!

Love: For all of my friends (old and new) and family

....and a Spring Cleaned house, and it's not Spring yet!!!

Feels like a pretty good start.....

G
xx

House Full Of Boys!!!

But you'd never know it!
They were in bed at 11pm!!!
I was expecting a big night, with two extra 16 year olds staying over, one hasn't stayed with us before.....
Two have to work tomorrow, and already know it's not much fun working after a big night.
They do have a dvd going in Z16's room, but it's all very quiet!

I made up for yesterdays lack of effort - by pulling everything out of our computer room, sorting it, and puting it back. 3 boxes full of rubbish (broken headphones, scratched discs, old papers etc). All is left is to vacum it - was too hot this afternoon by the time I'd finished.

Managed all of this whilst the Big A was at a mates place fixing his computer...
Then proceeded to sort out Z16's room, not quite as drastically, but then it didn't need that much doing.

Grandma coming tomorrow! Yay! At least Z16's room is presentable for her, not that she'd care!
We are doing the garage Saturday - oh joy! there is a lot to get rid of out there.
I get stuck with all of the packaging from writing off SD's damaged stock - her majesty won't take it, I have to tip it out of the boxes for her.

Workwise we are off to a slow start for the year, with only one SD out of five placing a team order last week - uh oh! Good old PB - his team had some good sales, dispelling the myth that this is a 'bad time of year' for us - fiddlesticks!!!!

I'm all for people taking a break, for sure.
I am more understanding and patient than most, especially with illness - but when we get people taking a month off, from a maximum ten hour per week job, beacuse they 'need a break' well I get a bit 'disappointed'. We are all paid by commission, don't work = don't get paid - simple stuff!
Personally I have barely had more than five straight days 'OFF' (off being no phone calls, no email/stats checking, no sms msg's) in the last ten years. I consider the few hours per day when I'm not doing these things 'time off' - and I'm available virtually 24hrs per day 7 days per week. Not because I'm a workaholic, or a control freak - it just works out that way.

SHE is coming up Monday *sigh* - I'm trying a new strategie - every time I think of her I laugh to myself - so I don't let her get to me. Seems to be working, was avoiding her phone calls, letting msg bank get them, then decided today "Nah stuff ya" (in my usual most eloquent way of thinking!) and rang her back.
I'm calling the shots now love!!!

G
xx

Lap Bands, Lap Tops...but no Lap Dancing!

Glad I crack myself up!

Yes, I am with Lap Top.
Got a good deal on a very long interest free period....VERY! Or I wouldn't have agreed to it.
It is for me, and it will be very handy for work, but not absolutely necessary.
I suppose I'm too modest at times, don't want for much.

So I'm sitting at the dining table writing this, watching tv at the same time - how fab!

I have an appointment for Small Man to see lap band surgeon on the 19th February, in Hobart. It was the earliest appointment.
Need to raise the gap fee, but we'll manage. The whole op costs $10,000!!!!
Glad we kept up the private health to be sure.

There has been much on the news in the last few days about teenagers and lap band surgery, apparantley the government has been asked to fund free lap bands for teenagers that meet the criteria. At least someone agrees with me that this is a good preventative measure.

Am slowly spring cleaning the house, trying to do a cupboard a day or something similar, in preparation for the big visit from the in laws and a party for mother in laws 60th birthday in February *sigh* there is much to be done around here, things seemed to have slipped a bit with Small Man at home. Nothing major, but I know it hasn't been done....
Plus I'm the worlds biggest hoarder which doesn't help!
The garden, well, what to say about that - I just don't know where to start!!!!
Didn't get any extra done today so am a bit disappointed in myself - tsk tsk to me!
A bit distracted by the lap top buying/setting up!

Grandma is coming to stay from Friday to Tuesday, so we should get a bit of gardening done between us. Have to avoid too much sun with the Lupus (is supposed to flare it up). I seem to have more energy later in the day too, so do more then!

Have had lots of messages from NM over the last week or so, has been good to re-connect, I'm accepting it all slowly.
I have always had a wall with people, some it takes a long time to let down, sometimes they can think I have let it down, but I haven't really.
I don't plan to be this way, I think it's another adoptee reflex.
I have a friend that was adopted too and she is the same.
Except with our kids! Never with our kids! It was amazing to just open my heart completely to another person, two of them actually!

Life's weird eh!
Something I heard Oprah say the other day, she may say this often I don't know I don't watch that much, but it went something like......

Holding onto negatives from your past is like taking a poison and wishing for someone else to die - you are only hurting yourself.

Think she's onto something there! Very profound, it's been going through my mind since I heard it.

G
xxx

Very Old Cat...out of the bag!

An interesting few days around here....
Finally told the boys that I know my natural parents, and that they met them both a long time ago...
and why I haven't told them before....
It's long and complicated, but when I sought to find my info, I told mum, and she said whatever I find out she doesn't want to know...
I have respected that, and didn't want to put the "Don't say anything to Grandma" burden onto two little boys.

So it has stayed a secret.
I hadn't had contact with either NM or NF for a long time, so didn't find it necessary.
Recent contact with NM started me thinking......
Something was let slip the other day.....and I told them the whole story, they need to know it.
I'm not a secretive person by nature, so all of this has been really hard.
My biggest fear is something not right between mum and I (bit of an adoptee thing I think) and so have respected her wishes, and won't tell her unless she asks.

The boys were fascinated to hear about their natural Grandparents - they both remember NF and, like me, don't mind if they never see him again.
Z16 remembers NM - but only a bit.

They were most intrigued at the Aboriginal side of things, I have it from both sides NM AND NF - it's so funny cos I'm about the palest person I know! I have never been able to tick the Aboriginal/Torres Straight Islander descent box before, as they'd have asked why - now I can. Not sure what exactly it'll achieve, but it seems more like telling the truth to me.

Gee I'm just relieved.

Just wanted to share that one!

I haven't been on here much - Big A hogging the computer - NNNYYYAAAARRRGGHH!!!!


G
xxx

*~Happy Birthday.....to me!~*

And Happy it has been so far!
I received some much hoped for seagrass storage baskets to put 'stuff' in and make it look tidy and most swish at the same time!
Grandma sent me too much money, which I am using to buy a new rug for the couch, and two 'ottomans' as well for old bags like me that have to put their feet up (not like to, have to!).
In the mail today were two cards from my oldest friends, and one from my 'in laws' - they sent me a gift card for coles myer which will come in handy too!
Gee I feel spoilt, I guess not gifting for Christmas was kinda weird, so now I'm overwhelmed, especially with the phone calls and messages!

Planned to go shopping for my new treasures today, but my hip has other ideas - I don't want to be getting around like a haggard old duck, especially being 36 and all - so will leave it for another day.

My birthday is always a strange day emotionally, being adopted and all, and knowing that I wasn't 'meant' to be here (Mum would argue with that, as would my NM) - but then again knowing that I was chosen by Mum and Dad, and not an 'accident' for them.
Bizarre, the whole thing.

Will write about NM another day, have been in contact with her again recently after an absence of about 7 years, no argument or falling out or anything, just went our own ways again. Ironically I found her through facebook, via her daughters (technically half sisters I guess).
As far as she and I go we have almost identical way of 'being' with our families, our kids especially - and very similar body language and mannerisms - spooky!
It's all in the genetics!!!!

Bye for now!

G
xxx

~*What's Next*~

So the New Year has quietly ticked over in my house!
We saw it in, but had a quiet evening, just the four of us - Z16 worked at 8.30am New Years Day so someone needed to be up early to take him!

Some positive news to finish the year though.
Saw our GP Monday, appointment was for me but we ended up talking about Small Man, as we usually do. He said that if the Paediatrician is unwilling to refer Small Man to the Lap Band specialist, then he will. He feels it is our only option.

It was nice to have someone confirm what I already feel. I have copped so much criticism over this so far - but then I'm used to that. What shits me is that when it all works out, the criticizers have a hard time saying they were wrong and just act like it never happened.
When I feel like getting in their faces and saying "Nah nah nah nah nah nah" or something equally as immature!

It's their own fault, should keep their ill informed 1950's opinions to themselves, and especially not try to influence the Big A.

Someone is turning 36 tomorrow - who could that be now then?

G
xxx

~*HAPPY NEW YEAR*~

G
xx