~Kill me now.....~

Joking!!

I managed about 3 - 4 hours sleep last night at best.

Not much REM sleep.

I tossed, I turned, I snored - just as I would at home - but mostly I drifted in and out of sleep, just as I do every night

Except I wasn't at home I was in a strange place with wires 'glued' and masking taped to my face and head - straps around my chest and legs.....and someone watching me sleep via video camera.......so relaxing......

I now wait 4 - 6 weeks for the specialists report

I know all of the options - I just don't like any of them :(




G
x♥x

~OMG....EuReka?!~

I found this and nearly fell off my chair...

Especially:

Some features of DSPS which distinguish it from other sleep disorders are:

* People with DSPS have at least a normal—and often much greater than normal—ability to sleep during the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon as well. In contrast, those with chronic insomnia do not find it much easier to sleep during the morning than at night.

* People with DSPS fall asleep at more or less the same time every night, and sleep comes quite rapidly if the person goes to bed near the time he or she usually falls asleep. Young children with DSPS resist going to bed before they are sleepy, but the bedtime struggles disappear if they are allowed to stay up until the time they usually fall asleep.

* DSPS patients can sleep well and regularly when they can follow their own sleep schedule, e.g. on weekends and during vacations.

* DSPS is a chronic condition. Symptoms must have been present for at least one month before a diagnosis of DSPS can be made.

Attempting to force oneself onto daytime society's schedule with DSPS has been compared to constantly living with 6 hours of jet lag; the disorder has, in fact, been referred to as "social jet lag".[7] Often, sufferers manage only a few hours sleep a night during the working week, then compensate by sleeping until the afternoon on weekends. Sleeping in on weekends, and/or taking long naps during the day, may give people with the disorder relief from daytime sleepiness but may also perpetuate the late sleep phase.

People with DSPS can be called extreme night owls. They feel most alert and say they function best and are most creative in the evening and at night. DSPS patients cannot simply force themselves to sleep early. 

They may toss and turn for hours in bed, and sometimes not sleep at all, before reporting to work or school. Less extreme and more flexible night owls, and indeed morning larks, are within the normal chronotype spectrum.

Oh WOW.

Possum and I are both exactly like this (hence the nickname 'Possum')

It's going to be interseting to see what my sleep study shows!

G
x♥x

~ I NeEd~

I'm going to need a book to read Monday night....or something to read make me tired for the sleep study.........

Better go and look tomorrow....

Only one young man here this evening, and he's mine.....far out it's quiet!!!!

Last night we were entertained by two extras - shirtless in the kitchen getting their hair dyed by Small Man....in his mankini......ah yep it's all good here ;)

I think I need a breather tonight though, as much as I love them all and make the most of these moments, cos they won't last forever :(
Small Man has gone to stay at AJ's house for the weekend - so just Possum and I at home mostly as Big A is working all weekend - that'll be different!! 
I have had extra lads here on and off for weeks it seems!!

I do have quite a bit to catch up on actually so should get a bit done...

G
x♥x

~ A Quickie ~

Wow - I got in for the sleep study on Monday night.....

.....so anyway, as you were.......

G
x♥x

Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty anyone???

Read about it here....

I'm actually think 'not'.......at this point

It looks horrific and the results don't sound to promising, 2-3 weeks recovery.....

I'm off for a sleep study first and have some DOXYCYCLINE to try also for a month

He was a really nice specialist, didn't see anything nasty with his little camera thingy but can see what is happening with my throat etc, even though I don't have acute tonsillitis right at this moment my throat is red and my tonsils enlarged a bit

So we'll see

Nothing is going to happen for a while, so in the mean time I am PRAYING for this medication to work......

G

x♥x

~Little Bits~

I had a crack at Halloween-ing Small Man - he reckons it's a 'fail' effort - I reckon it's alright! He does look mad though doesn't he!

A very, very slow day today - I wonder what happens in my body sometimes, how can I have days like this, what is the imbalance and how the hell can I find out or fix it?

Bah


People just don't seem to get that I'm no better, it's the same shit day in and day out - only the level of it gets worse.  
Having a sore throat for over 12 months gets wearing, and it's kind of frustrating when people ask 'Have you got the flu?' 
I know they mean well but..................................................................... 

FUUUCK!!! NO I HAVEN'T IT'S THE SAME SHIT I HAVE HAD THE WHOLE TIME!!!
But thanks for asking and have a nice day.......
I will let you know when I no longer have it o.k.

 GAH

Work sucks as usual.  

The website sucks.  

My new boss failed to acknowledge my increased sales for the last two fortnights to he can go root his left boot, and I have two of my longest serving people leaving after Christmas for health/old age reasons :(

 I am doing a xmas party/farewell for my team only this year - and.....no kids.....I decided just adults this year - I'm not up to doing all of the stuff I have done for the last two Christmases - and I can do less amount of nicer food rather than having to stretch out what I have on the budget I have......basically only two of my ladies have kids, one will be away anyway and won't come, the other would like to come and have lunch without them :) so it's all good.

I have a party to prepare for on Friday night - it's the Wee Boy's 16th Birthday :) 

Nawww, my baby, 16 years old........ 

We have a mixed crowd coming around, I like that actually throw a group together and see how they go.  Corey is coming up from Hobart and AJ is coming over (with his girlfriend maybe), along with family, friends of the family etc.  

I'm expecting about 20 people.

The following night is Big A's work dinner.....

My little helper (Sam, 18) has offered to come and help me this week to cook/pick up kids/drop them off the night of the party/prepare in general.....we have had all of 'our' kids here a few times in the last few weeks, ours and our two 'spares' Michael and Sam..

We sat and ate corned beef with Michael and Sam Friday night - my boys don't eat it so it was unusual to sit and all eat it together...he he!

It's nice kind of like having a bigger family just on a temporary basis.

Michael has been staying with us on and off for the last 2 weeks or so - he bought an unregistered car (as you do when you are 19 and haven't really thought about it) - it failed the 'pits' (roadworthy inspection) and needs a few parts - that we are having a spot of trouble getting hold of....he has no way of getting to work from his Mum's place and his Dad lives even further away, so he's between here and his girlfriends and another friends, but mostly here.

He has trouble accepting help, even little things like me doing his washing, dropping him off to work, but is getting used to it now I think.

I don't mind, I had a family help me for quite a few months when I was 16/17 - if it hadn't been for them who knows where I might be.....

So Small Man has been in extremely good spirits having his best buddy here - but tired....

It does seem to have motivated him to get his school work done, otherwise he knows we might not be as pleased at Michael being here.... 

He did sleep all night Friday night and all day Saturday though ;)

 

Anyway, this is not getting anything done is it....

G

x♥x

~ Well.....~

I stayed up all day today! - despite looking like this ^ last night 

- I do like the water effect on the photo though:) 

Yesterday was so busy I didn't expect to have too much go in me today...

I don't think I'll take staying awake all day for granted again for a long time

G

x♥x

~Realisation~

And the grief comes again..

Like I am the same 20 year old girl, who was already a mother, but probably still a child in many ways

I wasn't ready

Are you ever ready to lose a parent?

Are you ever ready to accept that you only have yourself to count on, for the rest of your life??

Where is all of this coming from?

Mum - and finally the penny has dropped

She said she was having my niece for a few days in December - I shrugged my shoulders

 - honestly my heart just sinks every time I hear it.....

She said a friend had commented on how she must love having her granddaughter - and her reply was "Yes, but it makes me sad also" - her friend asked why and she responded with "Because I didn't ever have my Grandsons, because I was working"

I don't think the work thing is an adequate excuse to be honest - there were weekends, holidays, public holidays etc SURELY one night every 6 months wouldn't be too much??

What hurts and agonises the most is that it seemed like she didn't WANT to spend the time with them - and that is unbearable

I couldn't say much with HIM in the other room, but I did gesture with my thumb to the other room where HE was sitting and said "Yeah well HE wouldn't have let you have them anyway".....I couldn't say any more at the time, it will come up again

I believe a lot of my emotion around this comes from the pure lack of support - that is what it boils down to...

Yes, it was our choice to have our first child at such a young age - no it wasn't my choice to lose one of my support people (actually the only person truly happy to be told he was going to be a Grandfather) so suddenly....

It was also not my choice to take on the whole legal battle that followed my fathers death without too much help from my brother - I don't begrudge him this at all, he just isn't as strong as I am and couldn't cope at all - I had Big A to lean on, and these things are best if one person makes all of the calls etc, or things can get very mixed up.

I was looking back at photos of Possum from that time, for signs that it had affected him, my profound grief/shock/sadness......the only thing that happened was that he suddenly refused to sit down in the bath, and I had to bath him in the kitchen sink.....otherwise he was smiling and happy

I look at the 18/19 year olds I know now and it really hits me, I really did all of that, 

at that age, and managed to maintain a relationship and raise a young son at the same time.  

It's amazing what you can do when you have no other choice.

We all have to move on from things, let things go, put things to rest and so on - but how do I do that when every time they start on about having my niece it makes it here and now??

I did actually say to Mum it wasn't about me getting a break or anything of the sort - it was about the boys spending time with people other than us, even if just for the night.  

I also said really think it would have helped them with their phobias around food as well, Possum wouldn't eat anything I hadn't cooked there for a long time, and well we know about Small Man's eating problems.....

I am angry with Mum for not standing up to him for us, no way in hell would any bloke be telling me what I can and can't do - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children or my future granchildren.  

As for him I think it is all one big manipulative game, and if he's doing it to piss me off well it's worked.......

He made a big point of saying when I was pregnant with Possum that it was us that was having a baby, not him and Mum (eeewww at the thought of that) and they would not be looking after the baby....everything has always been about teaching me a lesson.

Am I not worthy of some support?

What about just being there for a girl that has lost her father, and is still up through the night crying about it 18 years later?

I mean, already insecure about being adopted, and the loss of a parent.....bloody hell I don't know how I survived it all.....only 3 years earlier I was out of control/lost/suicidal/borderline eating disorder/overdose a total mess........

Yes they soon pitched in to the conversations about the legal shit I was dealing with, but really underneath I secretly blamed HIM a little bit for Dad's heart attack.......and the woman Dad was in a relationship with....but anyway...

Those thoughts and feelings are long buried, but I feel like I can now really pin down why I get so upset over this having the grandchildren business.

It's not like it's just an overnight visit either, it's always for a few days and always includes a trip to maccas or the museum or the cinema, something like that........I could just cry :(

Scratch that I am crying :'(

It eats me up to think of when Possum was in Grade 5 he won a science talent award, to be presented at the casino - I invited them to come and watch him receive his award.....they said no :'(   

I never got a reason why......

And the worst bit really, is that Mum said recently that she would like to help me more (as I have said before I have done the last 20 years without her help, why now?) but that she'd have to keep it secret from HIM......Fuck That........

Some people may think I am 'lucky' to have Mum still and so on.....I don't see the luck involved when she's not really there.....

Eventually I will get over this too, but for now I keep my distance.  

It's not much fun crying every time they have been to visit.  

I don't ring them, I don't even send messages any more....

I haven't heard from J. my natural mother in months either.....

G

xx

p.s. I AM actually ok, I was lying in bed crying over this AGAIN and just need to get it out even though it may make no sense whatsoever to read, it's not healthy to keep bottling it all up ♥

**Added at 8.20am*** - I am definitely not cracking up or anything like that, just working through the issues that I have locked up for so many years - I mean, who wants to have to tell someone 'Umm hey how about spending some time with the kids' - it's not that they didn't ever come and visit or anything like that - but it was never this 'Come and stay with Grandma and have stuff here that belongs to you and we'll have food here that you like seeing as how you are fussy, and we'll go to the park and so on.....'
My boys were already a Grandparent short, and Big A's parents are on the mainland.....

~ RoAd TriP ~

I thought these turned out well considering I took them with my phone :)

Big A and I took an overnight trip to Hobart - one of those spur of the moment things.


This is the view from our room - hard to take eh :P


We decided to 'rough it' at the Hotel Grand Chancellor - shocking......hahaha!


Big A's Nan (his only living grandparent now) took a bad turn a few weeks ago - and went from being able to drive and living alone - to ageing about 10 years, mentally unstable/dementia, being unable to care for herself, unable to walk or eat solid food - let alone drive.
She was found sitting next to the window just staring out, she hadn't been seen for 2 weeks and the neighbours became worried.....

She has in hospital still on Tuesday morning when we went to see her, she was transferred into a nursing home on Thursday.
It was a bit of a shock to see her, she had always been a very strong minded person, especially in regard to selling her home and downsizing (at least).
Although it became apparent why when her house was cleared out.....

They found 450 toilet rolls in her 'back room', along with 100 boxes of tissues, 20 electric heaters (new in boxes), god knows how many suitcases.......and that was just the one room......the 'sewing' room was wall to wall with fabric.....


She will either settle in and flourish at the home, or not.
Hopefully the first option.

We went to see my Grandma and Pop on Monday - they were both well Grandma is still as sharp as a tack.  
She told me I had put on weight.....
I couldn't say much as I haven't told her how unwell I have been over the last 12 months.
Pop then went on to tell me I look 'well' and he doesn't like how these models look, all skin and bone - how sweet, trying to make me feel better, but of course it doesn't :(


We did some shopping and then went down to the wharf in the evening for some Japanese food - beautiful.  
We had to (of course) check out the chef first as it had to be fair dinkum Japanese! 
It was and it was lovely to sit with the man and eat it together.
We ate sushi and sushi mi and all sorts of stuff I can't remember the name of but I could eat it every night and not get sick of it :D

Then when I came home some of my irises had flowered beautifully - I love the detail in the yellow one, even though I don't usually plant yellow flowers I do like this one....

I mostly plant pink, blue, purple & white.........

I took these with my phone also :D

So anyway......lots happening around here this week......


Only two weeks and two days till I see the ENT......


G
x♥x