~Realisation~

And the grief comes again..

Like I am the same 20 year old girl, who was already a mother, but probably still a child in many ways

I wasn't ready

Are you ever ready to lose a parent?

Are you ever ready to accept that you only have yourself to count on, for the rest of your life??

Where is all of this coming from?

Mum - and finally the penny has dropped

She said she was having my niece for a few days in December - I shrugged my shoulders

 - honestly my heart just sinks every time I hear it.....

She said a friend had commented on how she must love having her granddaughter - and her reply was "Yes, but it makes me sad also" - her friend asked why and she responded with "Because I didn't ever have my Grandsons, because I was working"

I don't think the work thing is an adequate excuse to be honest - there were weekends, holidays, public holidays etc SURELY one night every 6 months wouldn't be too much??

What hurts and agonises the most is that it seemed like she didn't WANT to spend the time with them - and that is unbearable

I couldn't say much with HIM in the other room, but I did gesture with my thumb to the other room where HE was sitting and said "Yeah well HE wouldn't have let you have them anyway".....I couldn't say any more at the time, it will come up again

I believe a lot of my emotion around this comes from the pure lack of support - that is what it boils down to...

Yes, it was our choice to have our first child at such a young age - no it wasn't my choice to lose one of my support people (actually the only person truly happy to be told he was going to be a Grandfather) so suddenly....

It was also not my choice to take on the whole legal battle that followed my fathers death without too much help from my brother - I don't begrudge him this at all, he just isn't as strong as I am and couldn't cope at all - I had Big A to lean on, and these things are best if one person makes all of the calls etc, or things can get very mixed up.

I was looking back at photos of Possum from that time, for signs that it had affected him, my profound grief/shock/sadness......the only thing that happened was that he suddenly refused to sit down in the bath, and I had to bath him in the kitchen sink.....otherwise he was smiling and happy

I look at the 18/19 year olds I know now and it really hits me, I really did all of that, 

at that age, and managed to maintain a relationship and raise a young son at the same time.  

It's amazing what you can do when you have no other choice.

We all have to move on from things, let things go, put things to rest and so on - but how do I do that when every time they start on about having my niece it makes it here and now??

I did actually say to Mum it wasn't about me getting a break or anything of the sort - it was about the boys spending time with people other than us, even if just for the night.  

I also said really think it would have helped them with their phobias around food as well, Possum wouldn't eat anything I hadn't cooked there for a long time, and well we know about Small Man's eating problems.....

I am angry with Mum for not standing up to him for us, no way in hell would any bloke be telling me what I can and can't do - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children or my future granchildren.  

As for him I think it is all one big manipulative game, and if he's doing it to piss me off well it's worked.......

He made a big point of saying when I was pregnant with Possum that it was us that was having a baby, not him and Mum (eeewww at the thought of that) and they would not be looking after the baby....everything has always been about teaching me a lesson.

Am I not worthy of some support?

What about just being there for a girl that has lost her father, and is still up through the night crying about it 18 years later?

I mean, already insecure about being adopted, and the loss of a parent.....bloody hell I don't know how I survived it all.....only 3 years earlier I was out of control/lost/suicidal/borderline eating disorder/overdose a total mess........

Yes they soon pitched in to the conversations about the legal shit I was dealing with, but really underneath I secretly blamed HIM a little bit for Dad's heart attack.......and the woman Dad was in a relationship with....but anyway...

Those thoughts and feelings are long buried, but I feel like I can now really pin down why I get so upset over this having the grandchildren business.

It's not like it's just an overnight visit either, it's always for a few days and always includes a trip to maccas or the museum or the cinema, something like that........I could just cry :(

Scratch that I am crying :'(

It eats me up to think of when Possum was in Grade 5 he won a science talent award, to be presented at the casino - I invited them to come and watch him receive his award.....they said no :'(   

I never got a reason why......

And the worst bit really, is that Mum said recently that she would like to help me more (as I have said before I have done the last 20 years without her help, why now?) but that she'd have to keep it secret from HIM......Fuck That........

Some people may think I am 'lucky' to have Mum still and so on.....I don't see the luck involved when she's not really there.....

Eventually I will get over this too, but for now I keep my distance.  

It's not much fun crying every time they have been to visit.  

I don't ring them, I don't even send messages any more....

I haven't heard from J. my natural mother in months either.....

G

xx

p.s. I AM actually ok, I was lying in bed crying over this AGAIN and just need to get it out even though it may make no sense whatsoever to read, it's not healthy to keep bottling it all up ♥

**Added at 8.20am*** - I am definitely not cracking up or anything like that, just working through the issues that I have locked up for so many years - I mean, who wants to have to tell someone 'Umm hey how about spending some time with the kids' - it's not that they didn't ever come and visit or anything like that - but it was never this 'Come and stay with Grandma and have stuff here that belongs to you and we'll have food here that you like seeing as how you are fussy, and we'll go to the park and so on.....'
My boys were already a Grandparent short, and Big A's parents are on the mainland.....