Dear Oh Dear...

O.K.

According to the latest weigh in I've now gained 6KGs - in about 4 weeks!!!.

And I feel like crap.

Not because of the weight....I just feel like crap. My eyes hurt, my shoulder keeps aching, I'm tired, my throat hurts, my skin's gone all shizzled up, I'm dehydrated, I'm as white as a sheet, I'm all over the place - forgetful fred....and so on....sook sook, whinge whinge......!

Apparently going off the pill and switching to artificial sweetener WASN'T the answer.

Not to mention the three day PMT migraine....and the two subsequent migraines.....in two weeks, one was today :-<

FIREWORKS!

Indeed there were!

Some favourite photos of Z16 and Small Man - and a few random fireworks from 'Cracker Night' Saturday Night...

I took the boys up to 'The Lakes' to Mums shack.
It was a freezing night, as it always is up there.
They had a ball!
Big A had to work night shift for the weekend - so I loaded up with explosives, coke and pumpkin soup and up we trekked!

A good night - SF had to spoil it later of course - more on that later.

I think I'm still thawing out!

G
xx

Wasting Time.....

Oh what a poser!!!
He is trying out my mothers day present - the blanket in the background - apparently it's a hit in cat-world!

I will do my tag next post CK!!!

Feeling extremely overweight and sorry for myself...sniff....
Stupid exaggerating scales.....
No-one puts on 2.5kg in a week and a half....
I may even have my own show soon - The Biggest Gainer.....

Everything else is also in suspension......
Still waiting for the Big A's 'ticket' to arrive - I think the fact that he has called three different offices 20 times each in a week may have sped things along somewhat....you would think he's the first and only person to complete their apprenticeship and want their licence....

Still haven't heard about distance ed.
Tried calling the school, the socail worker wasn't in - nor was the principal.
Emailed the original lady in Hobart - she is looking into whether or not my application was posted when the high school reckon they posted it - fat friggen chance given the fact that they can't even return my phone call - slack.

Still no date for Melbourne, haven't heard anything since my last post re: end of June/early July at the latest for us to go - WHATEVER.

Big A has now had a cough for two weeks or more.
I finally figured out why I'm so bloody tired - he starts coughing in the early hours of the morning and doesn't stop - so am waking up constantly.
If I don't sound sympathetic it's cos I've told him to go to the doctor and he hasn't. I can live without many things, sleep isn't one of those things!

Had a nice dinner out Saturday night for PB's birthday.
We all went - together - the 4 of us - rare indeed.
Then we went and got groceries - rarer still!

Last night we had tea for Mum's birthday here.
My SF is doing Fergs diet - he has lost a bit of weight I must say.

So I made apple crumble - cos I'm a bitch like that.....

No, actually I'm not usually, but it was just my little payback for the hurtful things he's had to say to Small Man over time - especially this time last year when I went to QLD
(the big lecture on how he won't live to 20 if he keeps going the way he is, and that he's just trying to get out of going to school, and how I shouldn't have to make 'special' or different foods just for him - he should eat what everyone else does etc etc etc).
So perhaps I'm not 'over it'.
But gee I enjoyed my little bit of crumble!!!!!

Oh and just in case you were thinking - no I don't sit around eating apple crumble all day wondering why I've put on weight!! I should add that I had bbq chook (no skin) and salad with a sourdough roll for tea first! :-)

Better go make myself useful,

G
xx

Satisfaction..?

The Nine of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in satisfaction.
I have the self-respect, space or esteem that I need to "bartend" my resources or to live large emotionally.
I am confident in and gratified by expressing what is close to my heart or in sharing my happiness like a buffet of joy.
I take pleasure and pride in the new order I have created by clean sweeping emotional clutter or in honoring what has meaning.
I am empowered by recognition and my gift is contentment.

..and having gained 2.5kg in a week and a half the similarities to the picture are rather apt too!!

Ughh....

Will blog properly later...

I have been tagged - so watch out!!!


G
xx

Mine too it seems!

Free-IQTest.net - Quick IQ Test

Quickly

Just a quick post - not even a picture - cos I'm boring.

Just had an email from the specialist in Melbourne, we aren't going until the end of June/early July (at the latest he says - pah).

Good job i'm patient, busy and highly distractible or I could be getting a tad PISSED OFF!!

But no, not I.

*************************************************************************

Despite having been off the pill for a month or so (closer to 6 - 7 weeks) and switching to aspartame free sugar substitute (liquid - not too bad taste wise) - I have GAINED a kilogram - WTF???

And no I did not get breakfast in bed or anything like that so we can't blame any mothers day indulgences.

PAH!!


Yes, the radical decision was made to go off the pill.
If I don't have any problems with ovarian cysts in the next 3 months then Big A can go and get snipped.
I have not been ready to make this decision until now.
Big A started on about it years ago - my answer was always - wait until I am at least 35 - then we'll see.
I'm ready now.
I'm too old for chasing toddlers - getting up through the night etc.
And too used to my life as it is.
Also I think it would be unfair on the boys.
Where would we put a baby?
What would I do with it while running people to work and school etc at odd hours.
O.K. maybe Z (nearly 17) will have a licence - but what if Small Man gets a job.
A friend of mine had her third after an 11 year gap (vasectomy reversal and all) - and she is knackered and regretted it from very early after bubs arrival.
Also the possibility of complications would be fairly high for me.
If I ever ever wanted another child I would adopt overseas anyway.

So there you have it.

I will wait for my Grandchildren.

G
xx

So NOW it updates.......

My blogroll isn't updating........

PAH!

That's enough words for this early on a Saturday...

Ha ha ha!

G
xx

Refreshing!

The dietitians appointment went well.

We saw a different lady this time, that helped.

Small Man spoke with her really well, I barely had to say a word this time.

After discussing his current diet etc for around 30 minutes the dietitian summed up with:

"I won't need to see you again until after you've been to Melbourne, I have nothing to suggest - you obviously know what you're doing"

WOW!

That was such a nice feeling.

I have spent the last few days chasing up doctors, distance education and teachers (for Z16).

Still no news on the trip to Melbourne...*sigh*....or on the distance ed......*sigh*.....

....but the good news is that Z16 is doing really, really well at college.
His preliminary term 1 report arrived (two weeks ago but dopey (me) didn't see it cos it was stuck in the envelope - der!).

He has achieved a fairly equal number of 'Very Good' - 'Excellent' and 'Good' results so far, and only a few 'Satisfactory'.

I am thrilled to bits!

I also emailed his main 'teacher' or care person/VET program supervisor.
I filled him in on the ADD side of things a bit.
Z16 didn't want it included in his VET book - as he takes the book to work placement and anyone could read it - or categorise him - or assume. It is not exactly something that may create a medical emergency, like diabetes or epilepsy - so we have chosen not to disclose at this stage.

I still felt his teacher needed to know.
He replied to my initial email, where I said that I'd found Z16's report and apologised for not contacting him sooner.
He said that Z16 is doing well and is very polite and respectful toward him - and he appreciated that, and that he is up to date with his work (!!). He also said that he sometimes 'wastes time on the internet' - no great shock there.
No reply to the ADD info email as yet.

I have also been buying unsuitable mothers day cards for the MIL - then going and buying another and actually sending it - since the funny one would have been 'offensive' - so instead I bought one with a poxy old flower on it - bugger it!!!.
Hard to pick something out that isn't all "great, wonderful, loving mother' and all of that crap.

I hate it if I have to buy her card.
I used to make Big A write on it -
A: because I felt like the worlds biggest hypocrite
B: If it were my son living in another state I would LOVE to receive a card with his handwriting on it - especially if I didn't get to see him often
C: Ummm - she's not MY mother.....thank god.

Followed by Birthday cards that someone was meant to do last week (hint - not me!).

Followed by an audit last night with one SD - another one today - 500 emails - at least 8 phone calls - call backs to my catalogues dropped but not left out Monday (READ THE TAG PEOPLE!!!) - so patient - ha ha!

Really, when I'm in front of them (customers that forget to leave books out), or training a new distributor I'm all "Oh no that's oooohhhhkkkaaayyy (big smile)" but seriously, tonight I'm a bit buggered and out of patience!
I seem to be doing three times more work than I used to - and sales were down this week to add insult to injury.

Ah well, ya get that.
In the big jobs.

Ha ha ha ha!!

This was followed by picking up Z16 from town and bringing him home, getting his work clothes ready a trip to the supermarket, take Z16 to work......cook tea for Small Man...heat something up for Big A (has the flu full on now)....just the usual day here.

Not good on five hours sleep though.

G
xx

With Joy and Sorrow

Indeed.

Reading though some blogs last night on grief and miscarriage dredged up some thoughts I haven't had in a long time.

After trying to conceive for two years I was finally pregnant,
I knew something wasn't right - I didn't feel pregnant - no morning sickness - nothing.
I miscarried at 9 weeks.

At the time I was grief stricken.

I was told I HAD to go to the hospital for an immediate curette as it 'would be dangerous not to' - risk of infection or whatever.
When I arrived at the hospital I was led into exactly the same room my father was when he died, and I had to go into the room and identify him.

This was strangely soothing.

It was in the bathroom of that hospital room that the actual miscarriage 'happened' - after some cramping etc - I'll spare the details but I know there was nothing left for a curette to 'remove'.
I was sent home that day and told to come back Monday (this was Friday) - because they were too busy.

I was pregnant again immediately.
I was due on September 28th with the first pregnancy - Small Man was born on the 22nd of November (his due date too, darling boy).

I think the grief I felt was intermingled with the grief I was already suffering from my fathers death so unexpectedly two years earlier.

My mother also had a 'miscarriage' more like a stillbirth at almost 6 months pregnant.
She contracted German Measles and lost the baby.

I prefer to think of it along the lines of - if I hadn't had the miscarriage
I wouldn't have my Small Man,
and if Mum hadn't had hers she wouldn't have adopted me.

It took a long time for me to realise that not grieving, not allowing myself to only feel sadness and hurt didn't mean I didn't love and miss my Dad - it didn't mean I had forgotten about him -
I finally allowed myself to let go of the grief - it was o.k. to stop.

It took me ten years.

Maybe I was also grieving in part for my lost pregnancy, I don't know.

I still have trouble with the grief of others.
I try.
I should have all of the words, but I just can't find them when I need them.

Now I acknowledge what I have lost - but I give thanks for what I have, love and appreciate what I have.

Around the same time I had a 'friend' that terminated a pregnancy - because she was scared the baby wouldn't be 'good looking'...

Yes, you read that correctly.

She was going out with a guy that she would often say 'wasn't good looking' - umm Hello?
Some obvious statements to this - Why go out with him? and Have you looked at yourself lately?
This girl was ugly on the inside - shallow, narcissistic, jealous....and no oil painting herself to be honest.

I have never known such shallowness in my life.
I hadn't thought about this for a long time, until last night.
It still sickens me.
Suffice is to say she is no longer in my life.
No grief there!

G
xx

Gratification

The Nine of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in gratification.
The fruits of my labor already exist in my values.
My garden of purpose is perennial and forever in need of tending but I am surrounded by the results I have intended to create.
I am empowered by the splendor that is my life and my asset is personal validation.


Back again after a few 'shut down' days.

Now is definitely about beginnings and endings - I interpret the card above to mean that my hard work/tolerance/perseverance both in myself, my family, work etc have laid down sound foundations for the positives that are starting to happen.
I just need to remember that the 'garden' still needs 'tending' and maintaining - and slackening off isn't an option.

I have tried a different strategy with the Almighty - actually it was something I read on a blog about children, and how expressing gratitude at every opportunity brings the attitude you want.
So for example I receive an email telling me someones banking is overdue,
I write back "Thanks so much for letting me know...."
- I receive an email telling me that extra stationary has been ordered for one of my team
- I respond with "Thank you so much for organising this - so & so was thrilled when I told them".
That sort of stuff.
Even if it's not something requiring a thank you - I'm giving it.
And guess what?
I have requested several things that would ordinarily be denied (just because) - but no, not this week - I have actually 'gotten my own way' on a few really important things for my team.
I think this is partially due to me telling the BBB in front of her that all I want is for my team to be treated with courtesy, to be given the benefit of the doubt occasionally, and for compromise.
It certainly has improved my stress levels - to be able to go back to my team with positives, and decisions that have gone their way for a change, and for her to AGREE with my points/arguments for or against a decision.


Both boys have had the flu - and now the Big A has it - that'll be fun!!!
He has had some happenings at work, and now is starting shift Monday - night shift - oh crap that's tomorrow isn't it - crikey!!! Now he's on the opposite shift to what was originally arranged - so we'll be missing a few social events - oh well - the hermit (me) doesn't mind......

We're off to the dietitian tomorrow with Small Man - that'll be fun too - NOT - he looks at her like she's the enemy.

Well, we are talking about someone who is a 'foodie' - and we don't mess with Small Man's diet - ooohh noooo!
I think that's what he's afraid of - that she'll try and make him eat things he can't.

He did eat some cheese pizza last night - with a sprinkle of green stuff on top (some sort of fresh herb) - and he ate the green stuff OMG!!!

Thank you to Kathleen, Widdleshamrock, Warriorwitch, Witchypoo and Isabella for your comments recently,
I usually do like to respond to every comment - I just haven't been up to it in the last few days.

I think if someone takes the time to comment the least I can do is acknowledge their time and thoughts.

Maybe that's just me - I'm old fashioned that way!!

Have a great day,

G
xx

Yep, I'm All That....

The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization.

I am not my mistakes.

I can't do this alone or pretend any more.

The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine.

There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment.

It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind,
let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices.

I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.

****************************************************************
That pretty much sums up where I'm at for now.

Not much to say for a change.

Slack AS!

Last night's post I'd written a few weeks ago...

All talked out for now,

Sorry I haven't responded to all of my recent comments - I usually do....

Love To All -

G
xx