What's MAY got to do with it?

MAY

It occurred to me tonight that many of the significant events or changes in my life happened during the month of May.
I wonder why?
What is the significance of it?

May 1946 - My Mum was born
May 1971 - I would have been conceived
May 1989 - My parents separated
May 1990 - I met the Big A
May 1999 - We moved into our house
May 1999 - I was promoted to my current position with work
May 2000 - I had my first bout of illness
May 2004 - Big A decides/applies for Adult Apprenticeship

Spooky!

There would be more, but these are the main ones that I remember off the top of my head!

Wonder what will happen THIS May....?

G
xx

MeMe - Me?

OOoh - my first MeMe!

Jacqui has tagged me with an "8 Random Things About Me" MeMe....
So here it goes....

1. I sneezed when I was born

2. I knew I would marry the Big A the minute I met him

3. I wear gloves when peeling spuds cos I can't stand the feel of them

4. I haven't lived with my parents ('at home') since I was 16 - I asked mum for coffee mugs the Christmas before I left home cos I was "moving out" - I didn't drink coffee at the time!

5. I would never go to a casino or to play the pokies on my own - I know I can have an addictive personality and also know if I started going alone I would have trouble stopping

6. I can't stand eating noises - sitting next to a noisy eater drives me insane - always has! I don't say anything but cringe inwardly.

7. I only have a licence to drive an automatic car - I don't 'do' gears

8. I am extremely fussy about sorting my washing - almost OCD (sorting by colour, fabric, colour and fabric - if in doubt wash it on it's own!) - the rest of the housework.......nah......

So that's me done - who to tag?

O.K. I'm tagging: Toni & Severina & Warriorwitch

G
xx

Another Lazy But Pertinent Post...

The Ten of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in acceptance.
It's over and done in no uncertain terms.
I recognize, surrender to or accept the finality of the truth or consequences in order to look to the future or have "changed my mind."
I let go of all attachment or resistance to sustaining conditions that don't work or are out of my hands. E tu brute?
I can't move forward by beating a dead horse.
It's the last word so put a period on it and move on.
I am empowered by truth and consequences and my virtue is liberation or release from suffering, uncertainty or victimhood.

Seems like a follow on from my last post....!!!

G
xx

Queen Of Swords

The Queen of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in advocation.
I have been there, done that and can be trusted to judge, perceive or tell it like it is.
I own my authority and honor my authentic nature and wisdom but use my sharp wit responsibly and accept that not everyone will "warm up to me."
I have a sleek, keen but detached sense for quality, classic style and truth and my reputation for communicating or protecting justice, the greater good or serving as a pioneer is well-deserved.
I am empowered to endure by obligation to my code and my virtue is order.

Just a little more info...

I am adding a little more information to yesterdays post - just in the hope that it may help someone else....
I found this section of an article article and thought it explains it best - for our situation anyway....

Feeding problems are real; they are hard-wired and neurological. Their far-reaching effects are nutritional, interpersonal, behavioral and developmental, altering the sense of self and self-esteem, family relations, sociability, as well as academic and professional performance.

Problem feeders describe the one out of twenty children between the ages of birth and 10 who refuse to eat or who will only eat limited numbers of selected foods.

A condition that is also called selective eating, perseverant feeding problems, or food neo-phobia is characterized by a strong fear of trying new foods, leaving its victims at risk for malnutrition and failure to grow normally.

Problem feeders tend to demonstrate diverse clusters of traits, covering a spectrum of broader, more pervasive, neurologically-based dysfunction which compromises the person’s existence; these might include sensory integration disorder (SID),

Asperger's Disorder, Non-Verbal Learning Disability (NVLD), and/or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD.)

They typically demonstrate tactile and oral defensiveness and an overactive gag reflex.

A strapping pre-school youngster demonstrates an extreme reaction to certain foods. Not tolerating textures in his mouth or smells in his environment, the aroma of certain foods hurts his nose and makes him so upset, he runs out of the kitchen.

He spits out most foods, and typically gags, coughs or chokes during meals.

Though he was growing normally, his mother fears he isn’t getting adequate nutrition from the limited foods he is eating.

Their pediatrician has repeatedly told this mother not to worry, that her son’s height and weight were in the normal range.

An older youngster with a similar problem goes all day at school without anything to eat because he cannot tolerate the smell of food in the cafeteria at lunch time. His food intake during the school day is limited to cakes and chips that he can easily eat on the playground. This same child heaves at the beach in response to the smell of seaweed on the shore.

We have experienced most of the above, the situations have been a little different - eg Small Man cannot sit at the table with Z16 when he is eating peas.
The last piece of fruit Small Man ate was a grape - in Kindergarten - he swallowed it whole so as to avoid the texture of it.
Z16 (only a few weeks ago) refused to try some cappuccino I bought for him - I bought a different brand - oh no no no no!!! His 'usual' brand changed their packaging - it was almost an issue but they had a picture on the back of the new box showing the old packaging - then an arrow pointing to the new packaging - so that was o.k.

When the boys were younger they wouldn't eat anything but bread, chips or something else out of a packet at anyone elses house - I had to have prepared the food - and always had to take food for them when visiting.
Z16 just wouldn't eat. Small Man would want to come home. They are better with that now!

Eating out is still a battle - Z16 will only eat chips - unless it's a fast food place or pizza place. Small Man has to know exactly what is 'in it' - we can't have surprise toppings - so have found food halls to be the best place - he could order a chicken wrap, with cheese and mayo - no salad - and it's all good. It was extremely difficult when all he ate was two minute noodles, potato chips, bread and biscuits.......

G

xx

Letter To The Opinionated....

To Whom It May Concern....

Thanks so much for trying to make me feel like a bad mother and doubt my decisions.

Don't think I can't read the looks you sometimes try and hide.

Thanks for all of the judgement and the sarcastic comments.

Thanks for thinking you can lecture or pressure my boys into your idea of 'the perfect child'.

For the raised eyebrows and murmurs over their (in your opinion) fussiness, stubbornness and lack of discipline....

For making comments about Z16 when he was little that he just needed a 'good smack' - even though I told you something was wrong - but at that stage I didn't know what it was - and that smacking him made him worse...

For making me feel worse for medicating - NO it is NOT the easy way out - in fact I wear a ring on my finger to remind me (as if I'd forget) how soul destroying that decision was.....
I don't seem to hear now about how wonderfully it has all worked out -
with the bare minimum of medication SAVING Z16's self esteem.
And no, he was never medicated on weekends.
It is because of people like you that we had to medicate him - for acceptance into the 'REAL' world - not the environment that I create for him, where he is accepted no matter what, and loved no matter what.

For lecturing Small Man on his eating habits and telling him he shouldn't be so difficult, shouldn't make things hard for me by eating different food to everyone else, and that he should eat what everyone else eats - even when I've told you repeatedly that this isn't his choice, that there is something wrong - I just didn't know what it was - until now.

For telling me I am making my boys 'lazy' by remembering the little things they can't remember for themselves - because constantly forgetting little things damages the self esteem and the will to try - I know - I've been there.

For those that shrug their heads and say "I don't know how you cope - I couldn't do it" - it comes across, from some people, as nasty. Guess what? I don't know any different - this IS NORMAL for me.

And to the doctors that look at me like I over feed Small Man - bite me.
And to the doctors that wanted to come up and put locks on the food cupboards - you can bite me too - and get back to school and re-do your psychology - anyone with half a brain knows that is SO WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS - I'm not even going to explain it.

And for all of the above - before you go judging me or my family - have a GOOD HARD LOOK at yourself.


Thanks for making it harder,

G.

***********************************************************

O.K. I feel better now. this has been brewing all day.
I mentioned to my doctor the other day I felt that both boys are on the Autism Spectrum - and he agreed.
I happened upon a blog, from the lovely Maddy last night.

My jaw hit the keyboard when I read about food neophobia - it was a piece of the puzzle with both of my boys that didn't fit - neophobia is a fear of new things - and with food it is fear of new food.
It explained SO much.
I spoke with Z16 about it today - and said I believe 100% that Small Man has/had this - he said "I have it too Mum". Small Man also fears new situations and change to an extent.
I then looked into other aspects of Autism that relate to my boys.
Dysgraphia - comes in different forms but is basically a big problem with handwriting. Affects both.
Delayed speech or problems with speaking/sounds. Affected both - both had speech therapy - Small Man spoke with an 'accent' until he was around 8. I still hear it slightly. Z16 speaks with a relatively 'flat' tone in his voice.

These are just a very few that 'fit' - Z16 has grown out of a lot of his mannerisms and funny little ways - he was always ultra sensitive to sudden noise, fabric, bright light, smell.
Small Man is sensitive to smell, and has a remarkable perception of others feelings - especially towards him (which is more non-autistic).

Z16 appears oblivious to others feelings, and is very black and white - says exactly what he thinks - but is slightly more subtle than when he was younger - at school he would always say just what everyone else was thinking but were too polite to say!

Z16 doesn't seek out the company of others (doesn't ring unless prompted etc), but responds to messages/accepts invitations when offered.
Small Man was far more sociable - but the chronic fatigue makes it nearly impossible for him to maintain friendships at the moment.

Both are gifted in maths and computers.
Z16 demonstrated a precocious ability to read and for numbers early (he was counting backwards from 100 at age 2.5 and could read at age four (mostly self taught so that he could work the computer!) - he achieved a score in the top 5 percentile for the state in a literacy and numeracy test in Grade 5.
He won a statewide award for a poem he wrote in Grade 5 also.
He scored all level 5 (pre tertiary) A's for maths in Grade 10.

Small Man managed to pass grade 7 - despite only attending for around two or three weeks in total.
So I guess they are above average.

My new found information has given me a bit of closure on some old wounds of the past.
I didn't realise I had bottled up so much anger and hurt over this - until I received a phone call tonight that triggered it - and out it came!
Better out than in and all that!

G
xx

...Change is Upon Us!!

Big A

IS

returning to shift work

Oh yay!!!

And this time he IS

As apposed to the other times when it was dangled in front of us - then snatched away!
We even know which 'colour' shift he'll be on (there are four shifts red, white, green and blue) - what he'll be doing and who he will be working with....starting on May 5th - or 3rd - not sure on that bit...

Oh yay!!

It won't be anywhere near as hard settling back into shift work as it was converting to day work - it took me well over 6 months - and I hated it - and still do a bit.
This will make things so much easier for me with work too - knowing that he will be home during the week will mean far greater flexibility for me with Small Man on days that I have to go out of the house to work.

The pay rise is pretty tidy too....
Actually a lot tidy.....

*breathes a massive sigh of relief*

Which was our aim for the apprenticeship when we decided he should go for it...
It has cost us approx $50,000 in reduced wages for him to do it (lost shift allowance over four years).
We have 'managed' - just.
It's true what they say - poverty is not lack of money - it's lack of hope.
There was always the light at the end of the tunnel that this wasn't permanent.
The budgeting skills we have learnt are priceless though.
It will be good not having to struggle, we struggled majorly when we were young and first had Z16 - we had nothing - and I mean nothing - except each other - which was awesome..
Big A was driving a cab!

A month or so after my father died Big A applied to work at RT - got the job and things were much better for some time.
The job he was doing was a no-brainer (no offence to anyone else doing the job they have my up most respect, it's a good job, well paid but Big A was getting bored, down and 'over it') - and Big A is easily bored and needs a challenge - the fact that he has excelled in his apprenticeship doesn't surprise me one little bit!!

See, I can write about good stuff happening,
just had to wait for some good stuff to happen that's all!!!

Thank you to EVERYONE that has supported me through the final leg of this journey.
Your comments on this, my job, and Small Man have truly pulled me through.
Just think, when Small Man is better and certain Almighty people resign.... I'll have nothing to write about!!!

Unless I take up macramé of course - I can then enthrall my readers for HOURS with macramé tales.......

G
xx

That Was Quick!!

Returned specialists call this afternoon - he rang again when I was out (at the GP)...

We're off to the Melbourne Royal Children's in early June...

Not sure on the exact date yet...

Appointments are being co-ordinated so that hopefully we can see four different doctors in the one day.....

Successfully obtained Medical Certificate for distance education and/or inability to attend school for the rest of this year.....



NOW we're getting somewhere....!

G
xx

~Day Off~

I'm taking a day off today - of sorts.

Too many late nights/early mornings and stress.

We had a great work meeting yesterday - aside from the uninspiring speaker.
I was very proud of my team - we had 16 people attending - which made up well over half of the numbers - take that!!!!
It's always lovely to catch up with those that I don't see as often.
It was also a change to be driven (the meeting was held an hours drive away) - rather than being the driver all of the time.
Despite this I was still in my usual knackered state last night - especially after to-ing and fro-ing Z16 from school to home - then to work - then back again at 11pm.

I have a DR's appointments today to get a medical report for Distance Education application, and an appointment tomorrow to see the High School Principal - to get a letter supporting Small Man's absences from school and the need for distance education etc....

The Specialist from Melbourne rang the other day - I was out - he's calling back.
Apparently he has arranged the psych assessment for Small Man, and after that wants us to go to Melbourne to meet with him.

Off to strip beds/wash/clean etc - did I say day off - HA! I'm just screening my calls and won't check work emails til later!
That's the best I can do...
I haven't had official 'time off' since December 2006!!!!!


G
xx

~Bye Banjo~

This morning I found Banjo dead outside his 'little house' - he looked like he was sleeping from where I stood at the back door.
Big A was home (thankfully) and had just gone to bed - he woke easily.
When he went to check on Banjo he was intact - nothing obviously wrong with him - he was only about two years old.

I'll never make a farmer!

Well, he was still a pet and part of the family - and did an excellent job of keeping the grass down in our back paddock.

G
xx

200th Post!

Well, that's come around quickly.....

I am posting some photos that I have taken recently.....and a few old favourites - you may have guessed I love black and white film, and sepia!!!



Rain, rain, rain!!!

Two shots of my 'view' whilst waiting for Z16 to finish work....

Oscar...my brothers Birman kitten....very cute baby!

Rainbow on Hamilton Island...

My niece "B"

"Winnie" - yes we do actually have two cats!!
Oscar again - not the best quality - but this one cracks me up!!!

Small Man - in the Hubbard Tank at physio

Mr Echidna - see they're not all black and white or sepia!

G
xx

Interesting...

Technically for tomorrow.......

The Moon card suggests that my alter ego is the Magnetic One, whose superpower lies in my innate ability for reflection, and that of turning the tide. Good, my efforts haven't been in vain if the tide can still turn.....
Today I feel like a natural woman. As long as I can still shave my armpits that's fine!!!
I am a goddess that reflects the mystique and magnetism of women, rising above all boundaries. 'This too shall pass.'
Shining brightly, I will overcome empty promises in the dark and dangerous liaisons.
Enjoy the thrill of the hunt and the drama when your forces of attraction are at their strongest.


My cards have been incredibly spot on over the last few days.
It's amazing how yesterdays related to the meeting I had Friday night...

My meeting with the BBB (big big boss) was an interesting one Friday night.
I finally was able to say, in front of the Almighty, what I wanted to change.

BBB's opening questions was...."Gina, are you happy??"
It was the longest I have seen her sit (with her head down) and not interrupt or speak over me....OR DISAGREE...with ANYTHING that I said.
Maybe it was good for her to hear how many of the statements she has made sound when repeated back.
I have to accept that fact that there won't be a change in management - but I have the assurance that the episodes of the past won't be repeated.
Honestly I think being made to be nice to me will be something she won't be able to cope with for too long.
I feel reassured that my area/team will be watched closely, so any radical changes/cut backs of area will be questioned.
I know my team was hoping for a different outcome, but think I can talk them around to the same acceptance I have...I hope.
TW was the star of the evening. He supported me 100% - without it sounding nasty or that we'd pre planned our answers - he didn't say much, but what he did say hit the mark.
At one stage he said "In all of the time I have worked with Gina (10 years) I have NEVER seen her so upset or affected by anything" - the care and concern in his voice said it all.
I could have gone on and on, but I was very careful with my choice of issues to bring up - sometimes you've gotta pick your battles - plus we didn't have all night - which is how long it would have taken.
At one stage I felt so angry, and upset to be finally confronting these issues in her presence - that my voice was shaking.
I was determined not to cry......and didn't.....

I didn't expect any side taking etc - what I wanted was to have my issues heard.
We'll see how things go.
One day at a time!

G
xx

True..

The Four of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in recovery.
Our mutual losses or experience deserve to be acknowledged or remembered with dignity, honor, and respect even as we regroup to move forward.
I am willing to work on forgiveness and letting go of the past in order to find peace.
It's time to give it a rest.
I am empowered by stillness and my virtue is silence.


G
xx

Inching Towards Contentment

Some progress.

We have made inquiries about Distance Education.
That will mean Small Man works from home, completing work online.
Less pressure for both of us. Work will be graded and means he won't have to repeat next year.
It's just being realistic.
He won't be going to school any time soon - that's just the way it is.
So anyway, I have to get a doctors report and a letter from the principal and send an application.
Easier said than done at the moment but a priority.

Paediatric "obesity" (I hate that word) Specialist rang today - more questions, that's o.k.
Basically we need more tests (to be determined, depending on previous test results),
a psychological evaluation (to determine food 'issues' and depth of effect of illness/weight), increase in medication (to be discussed with Paed here first)
and then a consult with Specialist - he has offered to come over and meet us - that was really nice - one flight over here cheaper than two flights for us to go to Melbourne.

Two big days to get through with work,
meetings all day tomorrow (unnecessary, waste of time - but WHATEVA!)
I HATE the fact that I have to leave Small Man alone for four hours....
And then the big meeting with BBB Friday night...sigh......we're prepared.
After the meeting we have a work dinner in the 'city' (town I call it) with some nerdy work people from Big 's work that I have never met...goody...
I told TW if it all goes wrong with the meeting and BBB (and I'm a wreck) I'll have pizza with him at his house, his partner is going to Sydney tomorrow and won't be home (p.s. he's gay so no problem there!).
We'll see!

My head is all over the shop today, I'm a bit tired,
nah make that a lot tired - trying to keep myself awake to collect Z16 from work.
He has an early start in the morning, starting work placement at 8am......yawn......feel a bit flu-ish and run down, should pass quickly......could always eat a shitload of garlic tonight and breathe really hard in her direction tomorrow - HA HA HA!

G
xx

Decidedly LESS Slack....

I have scanned these.....so here they are!
The four of us above....

The happy couple!


Dopey bride trying to get out of the car in rather big dress and look elegant at the same time - FAIL!!! He he he!

Mum made my dress, veil and hooped petticoat, and the boys waistcoats - she is very talented!
I made my headpiece (from wire and gold thread), Mum made the rosettes for it.
I couldn't find antique gold shoes anywhere, so bought cream ones and spray painted them!!
The theme was ivory and gold.
We were on a pretty extreme budget, we had approx 60 guests and were married in a little chapel (by a marriage celebrant) next to a lake. It was small but sweet.

I'm pleased to have scanned these now!

G
xx

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 12th Wedding Anniversary.........

This is a photo of a photo so not the best quality (things weren't as digital back then - I only have the photo's nothing on a disk) ....but anyway!

It had rained a little, the water was still....the day went off without a hitch!
The photo of the photo is clearer if you click on it.....

G
xx

When you're hot - you're hot!!!

OK

So not only does clever clogs pass his exam on the first attempt........
He has been asked to give tutorials for others before they take the exam

It's the first time in ten years that someone at his work has passed the test first time!

*sigh*

He's a work that one! We are all so proud of him!!!

I admit I am a slightly envious of the positive accolades he receives (not because I think he isn't worthy!)

It's just that I haven't had that for so long I've forgotten what it's like :-(

But anyway.........

I was thinking about happiness today

As you do!

And came to the realisation that there isn't enough joy in my life at present - actually make that I'm not feeling enough joy

So I am wondering how I can change that.

I realised that I hardly ever smile these days

Good for the wrinkles, not good for the soul.

Not that it takes more to make me smile

Just that there hasn't been much to warrant it.

I'm not frowning either though - just expressionless.

Not feeling sorry for myself, just taking an honest 'good hard look' at myself.
And what I can change, and what I can't.

It has been another long few days though.

After getting such wonderful positive news about the exams I was feeling elated!
This was followed by a great morning with PK - talking about everything from a-z then back again - hey we even managed to get some work done on maps etc.
We had coffee/milo and cake and a few smokes - it was all good.
He is feeling really good at the moment - he has closed the book on several areas of grief and is moving ahead positively - so nice to see.

Just as he was leaving Thursday afternoon, the phone rings.....

More trouble created, more situations twisted, more drama, more mountains made from molehills............it never ends...........or maybe it will!
BBB is coming over - and is meeting with one of my SD's and I next Friday night.
To sort out this 'huge' (dripping with sarcasm) something about nothing (at her request, no doubt).
He is going to get more than he bargained for and so is SHE - the TRUTH - uncut and in person.
Let's just say a perfectly good day was ruined.
I am now stressed to the max.
I was in bed at 6.30pm last night - my nerves were shot to pieces.
Enough said on that.

I still hadn't heard from the Professor re: Small Man.
So I emailed him Wednesday.
I told him a lot more than I was able to at our appointment, quite a lot.
Many 'personal' things regarding the effects this is having on Small, and our family.
He called me that same afternoon!

He is consulting with another Paediatric expert in Melbourne - and I should hear from one of them early next week to discuss options.
Small Man seems to be a getting a little worse. Physically, not emotionally.
He catches everything that's going around, and everything that isn't - and it knocks him flat.
No school last week, we'll see how he goes this week - I'm not holding my breath.

So anyway - a mixed bag from me!

G
xx

HE PASSED!!!!

HE PASSED HIS EXAMS!

YAY FOR THE BIG A!!!!!

Now a qualified Electrician!!!

He just called me with the news....
He was so happy and excited he was shaking!!!

Only two out of eleven passed!!!!!

G
xx

Rant Over

I AM counting my blessings.


I am grateful for two teenage boys that still tell me they love me xxx (and change song lyrics to sing amusing songs about me in the car.....)

I am grateful for an ambitious practical husband that loves me despite the fact that we disagree frequently on the upbringing of our offspring

I am grateful for the discovery/invention of vasectomies which may soon mean these disagreements will not continue for another 18 years...............(more on that subject another time!)

I am grateful for the rain (my garden will live a bit longer!)

I am grateful for my blog and it's ability to withstand my constant whinging without complaint or buckling under the strain of it all

I am grateful for my blog friends who do the same - especially those that care enough to leave me their best wishes despite the fact that none of us have a clue what to say anymore - me especially!

I am grateful to have a job which is flexible - albeit hazardous to ones mental health at times


Of course there's lots more,
but these are todays things,

G
xx

Yakkedy Yak.....

I had many plans for today....

And didn't get many of them done.....

Had two field visits arranged, one had to take a rain check (cos I couldn't get there until this afternoon) - so I rearranged the other because they are both on the other side of town.

I DID manage to be on the phone for around two hours all up, sorting out the latest mess I've been forced into - maybe I've fixed it maybe not - let's see who's still with us in two weeks....

I was waiting for the Professor to call again today - so rang his secretary again and asked him to call me back. Nothing yet.

In the mean time Small Man hasn't improved even slightly.

I couldn't even get him interested in school today - he said last time he went it knocked him around so much he's reluctant to try again. I understand that. You start to fear the fatigue, and avoid doing anything that will make it worse.

Meanwhile someone else here has started crapping on about home schooling again.
I said that's fine - start looking into shift work then because I won't be able to work and home school, and keep Z16 organised for school and work, and run this house.

How about worrying about why this child is still so unwell after TWO F@CKING YEARS and not improving.
How about worrying about how it feels to be stuck at home for TWO F@CKING YEARS feeling like absolute crap and no-one is prepared to help you or fix it or tell you WHY.

How about worrying about the fact that he hasn't switched his mobile phone on for nearly two weeks and isn't interested in contacting his friends or going anywhere??????
Or what about the fact that he was in bed at 8.15pm tonight...................????

And how it's absolutely breaking my heart into a million pieces, one piece at a time......

Lets get those bits out of the way shall we????????

Yes, school is a worry. His health is a far bigger worry. His self esteem is a far bigger worry.

I know - how about making me MUCH more stressed than I already am.

That should be fun to watch.

G
xx

Your Heart is Yellow and Green

Your heart is caring and generous. You are kind, understanding, and forgiving. You bring objectivity and rationality to relationships. You're good at giving your partner freedom and space.

What Are the Colors of Your Heart?