...Then Today...

Things are calmer, there has been meetings and phone calls and a lot of meeting in the middle today - acceptance of situations and of each others strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly apologies for yesterday.

It can be difficult for men to handle all of this and they have all done well.

One thing that I discovered today - the young fellow next door (about 12 I think) has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - as does his mother.

He hasn't been to school for 7 months and they are beside themselves, as we were at that stage, waiting for them to recover, waiting, waiting, then realising it isn't going to happen, and making the necessary adjustments both to your life and emotionally - it's very tough.


Is this just a freaky coincidence??


I haven't spoken with them yet, but I certainly will be.....

**WHAT IF IT'S SOMETHING IN/THAT HAS BEEN IN THE WATER??? - Parasitic type thing?? **

I might post my New Years thought tomorrow and a few bizarre things that have happened recently.

It may be just my mood at the moment but I find it interesting the people that get on facebook and say they've had a shit year and next year will be better etc etc yet they make no attempt to actually change the way they live their lives to achieve this.....
not anyone that blogs I should add, just some people I have on my 'frineds' list that maybe need to go next year!  
The negativity drags me down.


G
x♥x

...and then it got worse...

I got home from the doctor, armed with thyroxine for my under active thyroid, a new contraceptive pill for my dodgy hormones and some sleeping pills for my shit sleep pattern....and a promise to keep stress to the minimum and go back in a month and see how things are going.....

We discussed the reasons for why I am so sad.
Too much stress, guilt, feeling like I can't 'fix' things for Small Man, lack of sleep, hormones all over the place and feeling alone in it.

It seems I am not alone.

Big A is supposed to be on day shift today, so he wouldn't be home until 8.30pm
He was home at 5pm when I arrived home from the doctors/chemist

Things went bad at work today

He basically had to walk out today or resign

He is feeling betrayed and hurt with good reason

I won't go into it, it's his 'stuff'

But part of the conversation was how much Small Man's situation has been affecting him, and knowing that I'm not well and struggling...
I NEEDED to know this
I felt like I had carried the weight of this alone for the last 5 years, as that is how is has felt
It is like grief - when you realise he has spent 1/4 of his life at home, with a chronic illness
I want to scream sometimes, and have been crying at the drop of a hat at the injustice of it
I'm not happy that it has affected the Man this much, but at least I don't feel as alone
It has often felt like not only were we not on the same page, but that we are in a completely different book
We are total opposites in every way.

I have no idea what will happen with his job
We can cross that bridge as it comes I guess

G
x♥x

It was All Good Until.....

~Merry Christmas~

Better late than never?

It WAS all going well - I was still tired but working around it.

I managed a roast dinner for 15 of my team last Wednesday - roast beef, ham, baked spuds, pumpkin, peas, gravy...followed by a 12 egg pavlova and chocolate ripple cake.  I wrapped gifts for each person, and made up prizes so that every person received something for their hard work through the year....

Everything turned out perfectly (as in no disasters!) - we all had a lovely afternoon and there was plenty of food and drink for all.

While I was packing up and tidying up after the Man and my sons went to collect our new baby....Maximus...an 8 week old Birman kitten :) His name is Maximus.  He is beautiful!

My Christmas present :)

I had everything ready and organised for his arrival home.

 George isn't too impressed.  Actually he was afraid of Max to start with - now he is curious but crabby/jumpy.  I hope he gets used to him soon :( 

He is spending a lot of time outside, comes in briefly the goes out again. 

Max is desperate to play with him....

So anyway, where was I?

My tongue started to feel weird, I felt a bit hot.  

As time passed my glands were up, and my throat started to feel awful, really sore.  

I started getting a headache - a massive one in the back of my head.

Oh I know what this is, I haven't had it for the last few weeks and now it's back.

TONSILLITIS.

Bloody hell.

(We went to a friends for tea the weekend before - she failed to mention she had had a throat/gland thing going on - mind you she is one of these people that goes off if anyone comes to her house sick or sends their kids to school sick - yet she does it to me knowing what I have been through over the last year or so....for gods sake!!!)

Add to this a very bad nights sleep with an unsettled kitten crying for his mother.....and suffice is to say that I woke up feeling like absolute hell Thursday.  

Thursday night we went to Mums for Christmas eve, eve.  

Big A was night shift Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day.

Friday I felt equally as rotten., but managed to get out and get a few things ready for Christmas Day.

Christmas Day arrives - OMG - I got up at 8.30am when the Man arrived home from work, we woke the boys and they opened their presents.  

I received my first ever gift from Possum and Small Man - they actually went out and chose me something themselves...awwwww!!!

I wasn't expecting to receive anything Christmas Day so it was a lovley surprise :D

The boys went back to bed, and I went to sleep on the couch with Max.

I woke up and still felt terrible.

Actually I felt so mentally and physically defeated I was almost in tears.

The whole day was such a struggle I felt like I was cracking up completely.

I was close to tears and right on the edge all day.

The turkey was already cooked and just needed reheating - it wasn't hot enough at serving time....I couldn't get it together to serve all of the food up at once, I was losing it big time....

It was horrible to feel that way Christmas Day but I was secretly praying for it to be over.

Nothing against my family whatsoever but I just couldn't cope.

No-one really noticed.

Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

I am still not myself.

I think I am really, really burnt out, my emotions are raw and too close to the surface for comfort - I have even been a touch snappy and I'm rarely like that with the kids.

I am now on holidays until the 14th of January - except for banking tomorrow. I will do one afternoon on the 14th - one afternoon on the 18th and then don't start fully until the following week.

I'm seeing my GP Thursday so will discuss all of this with him.

G

x♥x

~ Dr Matt ~

Small Man's doctor Matt has written a book - released this year


"Is Your Child Overweight"    (link)


I am curious to read it

G
x♥x

~Cuckoo...cuckoo...cuckoo....~

Are we there yet?

Is it holiday time?

Still a few hurdles to go and then it's break time

I got my sleep study results in the mail - just report not really an explanation of what it means - they have booked me in for February to go back to the ENT 

I have my own theories on fixing the issue

Briefly the study showed I slept for 4.9 hours with 66% sleep effectiveness, I was awake between 3am and 4am - I snored loudly and frequently when actually asleep - I woke up (or my brain did) 16 times an hour on average - and I only managed 0.4 hours of REM sleep....

No apneas but some hypopneas - he did say that I didn't have any REM sleep on my back which is when apneas are most likely to occur

He noted that my sleep 'architecture' was slightly abnormal in that it took me a loong time to get to sleep - which is what the delayed sleep article thingy that I posted before I had the study was basically saying, and I could relate to it instantly......
He has called it mild upper airway resistance syndrome.

I think it has everything to do with stress and a shit sleep pattern my body has formed.....
Would prefer to look into treating that before getting tonsils and all the rest chopped out.

I went in for a 5 min appointment with my GP Tuesday to get a script repeat and he mentioned that my thyroid 'was up a bit' in my last blood test - we will be discussing all of this on the 30th Dec.


G
x♥x

~AnD AfTer ThAt~

I feel a little bit better (emotionally) this morning

After a terrible nights sleep

I must be all cried out now, who needs fluid pills?

I will never do what isn't right for all of us

Looking is not accepting

'What if?' doesn't have to be 'what will be'

Nothing is ever carved in stone

I will continue to listen to my gut instincts as they usually steer me in the right direction

And this situation will pass one way or another

Thank you Toni for listening last night - it really helped ♥

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

G

x♥x

~Straws...Camels Backs and so on.....~

I am actually really, really upset - defeated - sad - nervous - insecure - in disbelief - can't stop crying :'(

I just don't need this now

I have been walking a very fine tightrope over the last year or so

And this was the last thing I needed - I feel like I have been tipped over the edge now

I'm sure this was not his intention but the timing was awful

I'm not a giver-upper but everyhting just feels too hard now

Perhaps admitting to my recent work misery has opened some emotional floodgates

He told me last night he has applied for two jobs on the mainland - just to see what happens :(

I don't get to know where - but I am guessing Tomago NSW and possibly NT or WA.

The company would fly us up to check it out if he gets an interview.

I finally felt relieved for Small Man that he may get some financial relief, and that he was brave enough to have a go at college next year which will be massive for him - and it's only that he has the security of his buddy AJ being there that he is ok with it - he is so self conscious and has extreme social anxiety (despite doing a brilliant job of hiding it) imagine moving him to a new state where he knows no-one???

I can see where Big A is coming from, fresh start etc, Possum will be looking for another job in February...

I can see a few advantages, but not enough to start packing, no yet anyway

I would need 12 months and $$$$ to get this house ready to leave - we haven't even done the new carpet/curtains and the bathrooms need both showers replaced (YES, THEY DO!!!! NO they will no 'be right')

And I wouldn't even agree to that - I could not even get my head around the idea of  anyone else owning MY HOME - rent it out possibly - but then they would get to enjoy what I have been waiting for for years - the new floor covering etc :(

On a practical note I don't feel we have enough equity in the house since recently spending 10 grand on ducted airconditioning/heating. 
We haven't even pulled out the goddam woodheater yet!!!

There is no WAY I would take up the job I am currently doing anywhere else in Aus (which would be an option) - we have the highest sales potential in Aus - and it sucks here the amount of work we have to do - so no way in hell would I do it anywhere else for even less??

Add to this the fact that nothing has changed with me physically yet - I haven't even got my results from the sleep study.

Small Man is still waiting for his surgery date - we have been waiting for this for so long I just want to get through that before anything else.

I am isolated now because of my health and the amount of work I am having to do - I just can't keep up socially as well as everything else  - I also don't 'need' a lot of people in my life (never thought I would say that) - happy with my own company at the moment, but at least if I want to go visit a friend I can - I am not the sort of person that can go up to just anyone and start chatting - without younger kids at school making new friends in a new town could be a challenge I'm just not up for right now :(

He said that we don't do anything together with friends - well he never wants to when I suggest it - the list for his 40th birthday was so long it was unreal - but he didn't want to do anything.

I am not trying to hold the man back from 'what is out there' but he tends to get some pretty romantic ideas about what life would be like elsewhere, but at the end of the day the grass isn't greener everywhere else and you make your life where you are.  

Or maybe I am just selfish?

So yeah, maybe this has finally broken me after hanging in there for so long.

 

G

x♥x

p.s. If you're not sure what I'm on about see previous two posts

Honest opinions/thoughts/feedback welcome.......I can't say a word on facebook (except via email messages).

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back ( one last thing that finally made you upset ... )

~Recurring Dreams~

I have had the same dream in different variations  

so many times over the last few years....many times

I think it happens when I feel insecure ~

It is about our home

And that we have either sold it or left it empty

And we regret it terribly

And we have the most overwhelming sense of homesickness for our house, this house.... 

And I am desperate to get back here - and that the whole thing was a terrible mistake......

I wonder what this means, if it's just a coincidence or something else??

I am so unsettled/sad today

G

xx

~Distressed....distraught....whatever~

I was going to do Small Man's leavers function post tonight

But a few other things came up when Big A got home from work

He wants to move (again) to the mainland

I don't


I did however reveal to him my true feelings about my job and the misery I have felt with it - but we both know it has to be for a while - I am not physically or mentally up to doing anything else - and I am needed here (at home).  That's not the issue - I do this job or I do no job and we can't afford to do that at present.


He seems to think we are in a rut and that nothing is keeping us here


My home is my security


Knowing where everything is and being in familiar environment is my security


I may not see my friends every day but we talk on the phone or online (and yes I know I could do that from anywhere in Aus)


He is concerned about Possums lack of interest in socialising - moving would just make it worse

Small Man has just gotten comfortable enough with the idea of college (mostly cos he knows he will have AJ there for the first year) that we went and enrolled him there for next year today.....


I understand he wants a change in work environment but jeezas I think I have been through enough turmoil with the kids and work and whatever to do the second most stressful thing on the list of stressful things - moving house - let alone to another state 

I do believe a major part of my sleep problem is stress and not letting out how I feel about things.  I am putting on more and more weight while eating less than 1000 calories most days which is ridiculous

Anyone with any visions of me moving in the near future please let me know
I like to be forewarned about these things


x♥x

~BIG~

The next few weeks will be...

As I am sure they will be for everyone - thank god we don't Christmas Shop any more - yes really, I'm serious.

We decided as a family a few years ago that we won't buy for adults any more - you have no idea how much stress that relieves - we buy for our sons and my brothers daughter......and something for each other.

This year we are getting a new 'baby' - an 8 week old Birman kitten - a wee brother for George :)

I am hosting my work Christmas party here - for my team ONLY - team members and their partners ONLY....I have bought them each a gift which I have had for a few months now, it's actually for the girls so will get a small gift for the few men and that's that.  I think I will do a traditional roast lunch - which is actually a lot less to prepare etc than a barbecue - and more cost effective also - just a whole lot of roast veg to cook - too easy!
I have two volunteers to help prepare desserts and set up on the day - what a lovely team I have.  
It seems I may be the only 'manager' that is having a party for their team out of 5 of us in the north of the state - see what happens when I don't organise the lot??
I think it's extremely poor of them.  You must give something back.

Life, to me would not be life if it was a life lived selfishly.
I don't mean give away all that you have
I don't mean let people take advantage of you
I mean giving a little of what you have to another
If that be a shoulder, an ear, a bed for the night (no I don't mean for a stranger off the street!), a meal, a lift to work if it's raining, whatever comes up.......
But it must be unconditional.


I have finally made the decision, and taken the steps towards: applying for the disability pension for Small Man, and organising to meet someone at the college (not the same one that Possum attended....) to discuss enrolment for next year.
Unfortunately the next available doctors appointment with our GP was the 30th December - how friggen ridiculous is that????? Thankfully, I had an appointment booked for the 20th for nothing urgent - so I will swap the appointments around so that we can get Small Man's paperwork filled out and back to Centrelink.
When I think about how I would like his life to be going - this is not even close to it - but at the same time he deserves financial independence.
He would work in a heartbeat if he were physically able.  And he's not.

I was relieved that it seemed fairly straightforward on the phone - compared to how much red tape we've had in every other area...
Big A seemed to equate this to us being 'happy about it' or celebrating in some way.  
Not at all, just accepting the situation for what it is, and how it is.
Our son has been unwell for 4 years and 9 months - with no glimpse of any change - even the lap band surgery is no guarantee of fixing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - he is just going to feel a hell of a lot better about himself - which is the goal - if it helps the fatigue then that would be a dream come true ♥
Until then we must be realistic.  
If I continue to fight against the reality I would break down completely, and be of no help to him whatsoever.  I feel like that anyway sometimes, so lets not make that any worse eh.


He has his Grade 10 Leavers day on Wednesday.
Awww.....my baby :')

Big A has to work night shift the night before and none of the lazy fucks will cover him - well that's my take on it anyway....so he will have to work 12 hours the night before then stay up for the presentation day. 
Not sure how we will organise things yet.  
I'm hoping for a small miracle between now and then, someone to come in for him so he can come home and sleep for a while first....
I will have to come home after that and pack another $8,000 order - I have organised a helper for that also - and have the out of town people coming to pick theirs up - won't hurt them to do it the once.


G
x♥x