~Straws...Camels Backs and so on.....~

I am actually really, really upset - defeated - sad - nervous - insecure - in disbelief - can't stop crying :'(

I just don't need this now

I have been walking a very fine tightrope over the last year or so

And this was the last thing I needed - I feel like I have been tipped over the edge now

I'm sure this was not his intention but the timing was awful

I'm not a giver-upper but everyhting just feels too hard now

Perhaps admitting to my recent work misery has opened some emotional floodgates

He told me last night he has applied for two jobs on the mainland - just to see what happens :(

I don't get to know where - but I am guessing Tomago NSW and possibly NT or WA.

The company would fly us up to check it out if he gets an interview.

I finally felt relieved for Small Man that he may get some financial relief, and that he was brave enough to have a go at college next year which will be massive for him - and it's only that he has the security of his buddy AJ being there that he is ok with it - he is so self conscious and has extreme social anxiety (despite doing a brilliant job of hiding it) imagine moving him to a new state where he knows no-one???

I can see where Big A is coming from, fresh start etc, Possum will be looking for another job in February...

I can see a few advantages, but not enough to start packing, no yet anyway

I would need 12 months and $$$$ to get this house ready to leave - we haven't even done the new carpet/curtains and the bathrooms need both showers replaced (YES, THEY DO!!!! NO they will no 'be right')

And I wouldn't even agree to that - I could not even get my head around the idea of  anyone else owning MY HOME - rent it out possibly - but then they would get to enjoy what I have been waiting for for years - the new floor covering etc :(

On a practical note I don't feel we have enough equity in the house since recently spending 10 grand on ducted airconditioning/heating. 
We haven't even pulled out the goddam woodheater yet!!!

There is no WAY I would take up the job I am currently doing anywhere else in Aus (which would be an option) - we have the highest sales potential in Aus - and it sucks here the amount of work we have to do - so no way in hell would I do it anywhere else for even less??

Add to this the fact that nothing has changed with me physically yet - I haven't even got my results from the sleep study.

Small Man is still waiting for his surgery date - we have been waiting for this for so long I just want to get through that before anything else.

I am isolated now because of my health and the amount of work I am having to do - I just can't keep up socially as well as everything else  - I also don't 'need' a lot of people in my life (never thought I would say that) - happy with my own company at the moment, but at least if I want to go visit a friend I can - I am not the sort of person that can go up to just anyone and start chatting - without younger kids at school making new friends in a new town could be a challenge I'm just not up for right now :(

He said that we don't do anything together with friends - well he never wants to when I suggest it - the list for his 40th birthday was so long it was unreal - but he didn't want to do anything.

I am not trying to hold the man back from 'what is out there' but he tends to get some pretty romantic ideas about what life would be like elsewhere, but at the end of the day the grass isn't greener everywhere else and you make your life where you are.  

Or maybe I am just selfish?

So yeah, maybe this has finally broken me after hanging in there for so long.

 

G

x♥x

p.s. If you're not sure what I'm on about see previous two posts

Honest opinions/thoughts/feedback welcome.......I can't say a word on facebook (except via email messages).

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back ( one last thing that finally made you upset ... )