Letter To The Opinionated....

To Whom It May Concern....

Thanks so much for trying to make me feel like a bad mother and doubt my decisions.

Don't think I can't read the looks you sometimes try and hide.

Thanks for all of the judgement and the sarcastic comments.

Thanks for thinking you can lecture or pressure my boys into your idea of 'the perfect child'.

For the raised eyebrows and murmurs over their (in your opinion) fussiness, stubbornness and lack of discipline....

For making comments about Z16 when he was little that he just needed a 'good smack' - even though I told you something was wrong - but at that stage I didn't know what it was - and that smacking him made him worse...

For making me feel worse for medicating - NO it is NOT the easy way out - in fact I wear a ring on my finger to remind me (as if I'd forget) how soul destroying that decision was.....
I don't seem to hear now about how wonderfully it has all worked out -
with the bare minimum of medication SAVING Z16's self esteem.
And no, he was never medicated on weekends.
It is because of people like you that we had to medicate him - for acceptance into the 'REAL' world - not the environment that I create for him, where he is accepted no matter what, and loved no matter what.

For lecturing Small Man on his eating habits and telling him he shouldn't be so difficult, shouldn't make things hard for me by eating different food to everyone else, and that he should eat what everyone else eats - even when I've told you repeatedly that this isn't his choice, that there is something wrong - I just didn't know what it was - until now.

For telling me I am making my boys 'lazy' by remembering the little things they can't remember for themselves - because constantly forgetting little things damages the self esteem and the will to try - I know - I've been there.

For those that shrug their heads and say "I don't know how you cope - I couldn't do it" - it comes across, from some people, as nasty. Guess what? I don't know any different - this IS NORMAL for me.

And to the doctors that look at me like I over feed Small Man - bite me.
And to the doctors that wanted to come up and put locks on the food cupboards - you can bite me too - and get back to school and re-do your psychology - anyone with half a brain knows that is SO WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS - I'm not even going to explain it.

And for all of the above - before you go judging me or my family - have a GOOD HARD LOOK at yourself.


Thanks for making it harder,

G.

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O.K. I feel better now. this has been brewing all day.
I mentioned to my doctor the other day I felt that both boys are on the Autism Spectrum - and he agreed.
I happened upon a blog, from the lovely Maddy last night.

My jaw hit the keyboard when I read about food neophobia - it was a piece of the puzzle with both of my boys that didn't fit - neophobia is a fear of new things - and with food it is fear of new food.
It explained SO much.
I spoke with Z16 about it today - and said I believe 100% that Small Man has/had this - he said "I have it too Mum". Small Man also fears new situations and change to an extent.
I then looked into other aspects of Autism that relate to my boys.
Dysgraphia - comes in different forms but is basically a big problem with handwriting. Affects both.
Delayed speech or problems with speaking/sounds. Affected both - both had speech therapy - Small Man spoke with an 'accent' until he was around 8. I still hear it slightly. Z16 speaks with a relatively 'flat' tone in his voice.

These are just a very few that 'fit' - Z16 has grown out of a lot of his mannerisms and funny little ways - he was always ultra sensitive to sudden noise, fabric, bright light, smell.
Small Man is sensitive to smell, and has a remarkable perception of others feelings - especially towards him (which is more non-autistic).

Z16 appears oblivious to others feelings, and is very black and white - says exactly what he thinks - but is slightly more subtle than when he was younger - at school he would always say just what everyone else was thinking but were too polite to say!

Z16 doesn't seek out the company of others (doesn't ring unless prompted etc), but responds to messages/accepts invitations when offered.
Small Man was far more sociable - but the chronic fatigue makes it nearly impossible for him to maintain friendships at the moment.

Both are gifted in maths and computers.
Z16 demonstrated a precocious ability to read and for numbers early (he was counting backwards from 100 at age 2.5 and could read at age four (mostly self taught so that he could work the computer!) - he achieved a score in the top 5 percentile for the state in a literacy and numeracy test in Grade 5.
He won a statewide award for a poem he wrote in Grade 5 also.
He scored all level 5 (pre tertiary) A's for maths in Grade 10.

Small Man managed to pass grade 7 - despite only attending for around two or three weeks in total.
So I guess they are above average.

My new found information has given me a bit of closure on some old wounds of the past.
I didn't realise I had bottled up so much anger and hurt over this - until I received a phone call tonight that triggered it - and out it came!
Better out than in and all that!

G
xx