Got around to it

Finally talked to my Mum about it all this morning.

I went to bed last night and the tears just streamed and streamed - I thought silently but then Big A asked what was wrong.......I didn't actually have an answer....it just felt like I had too many tears and I needed to let some out...or something

I am extremely proud and stubborn, I am so used to doing everything for myself and I find it really, really hard to ask for help - even if it's just a simple question on how to do something...

So then if I do ask for help and feel knocked back in any way, or that I've been a bother, it makes it all the harder for me to ever ask again (even if it's a different person).
I don't know why it's just the way I am

I'm pretty sure Mum can read my mind
I have had some thoughts over the last few days about the differences in the level of support that is offered to some over others in the family, and how things seem to have changed with that
Especially in regards to the grandchildren and the time spent with them
I have posted about this before so won't go into it all again

I heard Mum is having my niece for several nights over the holidays, and taking her to Hobart to see Great Grandma
I was never even offered a day when my boys were that age, not even when they had holidays from work - nothing
It was like pulling teeth - I had to ask well in advance, they would come over to our house they'd never take the boys for the night
Big A's family are on the mainland - so I never, ever got a break even just for a day
Mum has retired now but still, it hurts to think they didn't ever even offer or WANT TO

She has been going out to my brothers and doing his housework, weekly.
He is paying her to do it.
I thought it would have been nice just if she had rung me and offered with how things have been recently, she only lives 5 minutes away.
I would probably say no even if she had but when the offer isn't even there......

So anyway she called me today and we spoke for 80 minutes

I told her the latest (hadn't told her about us getting a date for Melbourne or the menopause stuff).
She said she thinks of me often, and thinks I should call in and see if I can do anything to help but just don't seem to get to it
I said that it was ok, and that I am used to doing everything on my own and not having any help (I wasn't being nasty, it's true)
Maybe I come across as too independent, and people think that they couldn't possibly be helpful??
It's not the actual doing, it's knowing that the thought was there that means the most

I can't tell her how I feel about the business with my niece, I just can't.
I htink she knows it already and tries to make up for it - which is impossible.
At the end of the day the past can't be changed, so perhaps I just need to start building a bridge.
I don't expect my niece to miss out on her Grandma, if anything I am bitter towards my step father because he calls the shots, and I feel sometimes he deliberately rubs it in my face how much time my niece spends with them, just to hurt me.

Physically I am not much better than I was last week although I am a bit less tired this morning/today

I am waking up puffy looking (my 'doesn't notice ANYTHING' 18 year old noticed it this morning, he doesn't really know what is going on, but said "are you ok Mum, you are all puffy lookin")
Also and can't feel the tips of my fingers when I first wake up, makes turning the alarm off a bit tricky.
The puffiness is lasting longer and longer into the day
I am not sleeping particularly well and can sleep for 12 hours at a time
My voice is still croaky on and off.....
My eyes look weird!!
Some of the stuff that went away a bit off the pill seems to have come back....weird....

Aside from that though....

I do have an appointment in Burnie (160km away) at 10am next Tuesday!! OMG - 10am - means we would have to leave around 8 o'clock IN THE MORNING!!!
Thank god Big A has the day off, isn't on night shift or anything that night, and is going to take me.....

My ADD friend went to see this doctor a few weeks ago and he was fine, did the usual first appointment work up but he does prescribe, and doesn't believe you wake up on your 18th birthday ADD free which will make a pleasant change
Lets hope he also doesn't believe you need to be dressed a certain way to meet criteria, or that you should be part of a certain socio economic group
There are many people that fit into main stream society that have these disorders - no need to stereotype

How's this - the public hospital here (the one that I was forced to go to and was told all that shit) is now REFUSING TO SEE ADULTS WITH ADD/ADHD!!!!
Probably a good thing as none of them have a clue what they are talking about, but seriously WTF!!!!

So I guess I have sorted a few things out.
I am still feeling quite teary and could cry easily, I'm not sure why.

G
xx